Doc Love Dating Advice
CAN TAKING IT TOO SLOW GET YOU INTO TROUBLE?
Women Don’t Lie - Men Don’t Listen
Success Coach - Doc Love
I’ve been studying “The System” for a while now, and am just starting to implement everything I’ve learned. I took a dating hiatus after breaking up with my girlfriend of four years, but your book really helped me move on and inspired me to improve myself in preparation for my next relationship.
About a month ago I met Diana at a friend’s birthday party. Our first two dates went great. I kept it light and positive and let her do all the talking. I also made sure to take her out on weekdays. By the third date, and even during the second, she commented on how she didn’t know a lot about me and asked why I was being so mysterious. I used humor to explain myself and that seemed to buy me more time, but it got me wondering how long is too long to avoid those probing questions women tend to ask, especially about the ex-girlfriend? Also, if you let her do all the talking for the first 60 days, won’t she think you’re lacking in personality or substance? Banter can only take you so far.
Now I have to admit that after the third date I made the mistake of talking to Diana a couple of times over the phone. She would call and want to talk for hours. Since the third date went so well, I felt compelled to give her some phone time. It was during these conversations that she started asking me how she could go about capturing my heart. I took this to mean she wanted to go steady, but it wasn’t even close to 60 days -- it wasn’t even 30 days yet.
I told her that I liked the way things were going and that with time she might get what she wanted. She asked if I was seeing anyone else and I said no, but she didn’t believe me. (In reality, I wasn’t dating anyone else and wanted to date her exclusively also, but I wanted to do the right thing and not move in too fast.) My question is, how long should a guy wait before agreeing to date exclusively? I know we should wait for the girl to ask, but what if they ask relatively early in the dating process?
Since then I’ve seen a few red flags from Diana, indicating Inflexibility and lack of trust. She’s also very judgmental and has a quick temper, which she warned me about but I’m just starting to see now. Most of this stems from the fact that she thinks I’m seeing other people. This makes me think that she may be a future nag and I’m actually thinking about ending things before I get too involved, despite my own high Interest Level in her. But I have to wonder if I brought out these traits in Diana by moving too slow.
I hope you can answer my questions since it looks like I’ll be asking for more home phone numbers soon.
Rock - who wants to get it right
Know what you should have said when Diana complained about your cool demeanor? “Specifically, honey, what would you like to know about me at this point? And by the way, I really take it as a compliment; you’re calling me a mystery. Because between you and me, I think guys talk too much.” Just like Bogie.
So you had to use humor to get off the hook, huh? Dude, get used to it -- you’re going to be pulling out the light repartee and parrying your wife’s interrogations after 30 years of marriage! And anytime a woman brings up your exes, here’s how you deal with it: “One had no Integrity, one was too structured, and one was a Taker. Does that answer your question?”
You don’t have to worry about being perceived as lacking in personality and substance if you keep your mouth shut, fella. Remember the old cliché “Silence is golden?” It happens to be true. And when you do open your trap, keep it light and funny and positive, like you tried to do at first. Because banter is going to take you everywhere, Rock. The key to women is BANTER. Just keep practicing.
The real problem here is Diana herself. I don’t mind a girl calling you and sniffing around for attention after three, four, or five months, but this babe’s doing it way too fast. She should be practicing a little Self-Control and saving the conversation for face-to-face dates. You felt compelled to give her phone time? Like Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Why lay a guilt trip on yourself?” Don’t ever feel forced to do anything when it comes to a female. Just go by the book -- the Dating Dictionary -- and the book says never talk for hours on the phone. When she asked how to go about capturing your heart, the perfect answer would have been “By not talking for hours on the phone!”
No, I don’t like the fact that this girl is already gone after just three dates. I’m happy that she has 95% Interest Level, but she should be controlling her tongue. She’s pushing it entirely too hard. So the good part is that she’s pushing too hard – and the bad part is that she’s pushing too hard. She’s not giving the relationship any room to breathe.
You did hit the bulls-eye once, though, pal, and that was when you told Diana, “With time you might get what you want.” Perfecto. You get an A+ for that one. Because you stayed a Challenge. You told her that she has to work to get you. Even if you said it half-jokingly, you got the point across and she should have listened. But when Diana asked if you were seeing someone else, you missed an opportunity for the perfect retort: “Well, not that many.” That’s what you should have said.
Notice how she’s pressuring the crap out of you during all this, buddy? Jeez. You have to be feeling more pressure than Michael Moore’s toilet seat.
How long should you guys wait before agreeing to date exclusively? After she asks you, that’s when. But you don’t want to do it after three or four dates -- you want things to unfold naturally, give it a couple of months at least. To you Psych majors, you have to get to know each other. In your case, Rock, you and Diana are still strangers. She’s just someone you met at a party, and she’s still basically a stranger. This girl has high Interest Level, but no Self-Control. And if she has no Self-Control, that means she has problems in other areas. It’s the fin of the shark.
If she asks that question too early in the dating process, stall her. Tell her “I’m shy,” or “I’ve been hurt.” They’re the excuses they always hand to us guys, right?
Finally, you mention that Diana has a quick temper and that she warned you about it. And you’re just mentioning it NOW? Man, I’d hate to have you around in case of emergency, Rock. You’d let the house burn down before you got around to dialing 911. This little item should have been brought out before you talked about anything else! Her hissy fits don’t stem from anything you did – she was a hothead before she met you, so don’t lay another guilt trip on yourself. She’ll be a hothead after you get rid of her, too. As Fast Eddie Love says, “What you see is what you get!” You didn’t bring these negative traits out of her, guy. They were all there before you ever set eyes on her.
The point is this: you can only move too fast with women. You can NEVER move too slowly.
Remember, guys: If you want to get it right, follow “The System.”
To send me your love questions or to find out more about “The System,” visit me at http://www.doclove.com or call (800) 404-2644.
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, “Why do you stay with one man versus another?”
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