Doc Love Dating Advice
WHERE DO YOU GO TO MEET A GOOD ONE?
Women Donít Lie - Men Donít Listen
Success Coach - Doc Love
I know you deal mostly with the intricacies of dating and relationships, and for that reason Iím a little embarrassed to even write this letter. My problem, you see, is much more basic. But since you seem to be open to tackling most any kind of situation, Iím going to take the chance and ask anyway. Here goes.
I am a 42-year-old male who was married for 20 years and am now in the final stages of my divorce from Robin. (One child, by the way, and she lives with my soon-to-be-ex.) In all the years I was married I never cheated on Robin, and for these last two Iíve been in a state of shock. Iíve also been going back and forth with Robin (with the help of various marriage counselors) in an attempt to save our marriage. Needless to say, it didnít work.
Now that Iím completely on my own, I find myself feeling totally inept when it comes to women and dating. Instead of feeling the experience of my years, I feel dopier than an eighth-grader whoís never kissed a girl in his life. Add to this that Iíve begun to notice that the women that I meet seem to have no interest whatsoever in a man of my age. I donít know, maybe this is just my imagination. All they seem to want is vacuous guys under 30. But again, at this point this might only be my skewed vision of life.
To make a long story short, itís a nightmare out there. Iíve tried cultivating women through the Internet, but when I actually meet them face-to-face, they look nothing like their pictures. Iíve come to the conclusion that nobody is honest. Iíve gone into a few bars and clubs and forget it. My skin isnít that thick yet Ė I feel like Iím surrounded by schools of sharks.
Doc, Iím attractive (I think), in great physical shape, educated (M.A.), financially secure, humble, and blah blah blah. Iím sure youíve heard it all from other guys. Since I work out of my home, I have extremely limited work-related social activity. My question to you is, where the heck am I supposed to go to find quality women? I know that Iíll have to go through a certain number of them to find a single good one, but I canít even seem to get into the game. Remember that movie Clueless? Thatís me.
Any help you can give will be greatly appreciated, and no doubt appreciated by others like me.
George - whoíll be alone again come Saturday night
My first piece of advice to you is to go easy on yourself. Sadly, there are lots of guys in your boat, but itís not the end of the world. And youíve come to the right place for coaching.
Before we leave the subject of your failed marriage, let me just say that I think marriage counselors are great. But the Reality Factor says that thereís one thing they canít do, and thatís bring a womanís Interest Level back to life once itís gone south of 50% -- nobody can. The smart move here is to let sleeping dogs lie and get on with your life.
Now, letís start with where you are right now. When a guy is married for 20 years -- in your case, from the time you were 22 until now Ė heís locked in what I call a ďtime warp.Ē In a sense, you were forcibly pulled out of society. You havenít the foggiest notion whatís going on out there in the real world. When you reenter the dating scene, you expect it to be like it was when you were 21, but baby, itís not. Itís a much rougher, much tougher world out there nowadays. As Sal ďThe FishĒ Love puts it,
ĒRicky Nelson is dead!Ē But thatís okay -- weíll work around it. Stick with me.
George, the fact is that itís normal to be feeling dopey. Thereís nothing wrong with that. Again, think of the rock youíve been under for the past two decades. I get reams of e-mails from long-time married men between 35 and 55 who are going through divorces, and their fix is the same. To you Psych majors, youíre not a robot, so a period of adjustment to the new reality is to be expected. STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP! Youíre just like a fish out of water -- you donít know whatís going on and youíre trying to thrash yourself back into the water. Donít worry -- I will teach you how to swim.
Now, your age. George, youíre not 106. Youíre only 42 Ė thereís still hope! Sure, there are lots of women out there between 35 and 45 with fine figures made up of various surgically ďupgradedĒ body parts who walk around complaining, ďIím (relatively) young and hot, so why would I want a 42-year-old geezer?Ē
But George, 42 is not really an old geezer. There are women around between 35 and 42 who will find you attractive. We just have to find you the right one. But at the same time, you have to be packing your gear. Like General Love says, ďYou canít go into war without bullets.Ē And thatís what youíre doing Ė going into battle. If you donít have the proper ammo when you go out looking for Miss Right, youíll get squashed like a bug. The ammo you need is contained in ďThe System.Ē All you have to do is memorize everything in the Dating Dictionary.
Letís talk about the Internet. I get tons of e-mails from women, and they tell me that -- believe it or not -- guys are dishonest too! So letís have some empathy for the other half here, fellas. They ask me why you guys put up your high school pictures when youíre 50 years old. What youíre running into, George, is the same thing Ė sheís using her cheerleader snapshot from senior year and sheís pushing 45. People change with time; thatís why you always want to post the best current professional photo of yourself because itís the first thing sheís going to see when she brings up your file.
By the way, George, are you talking to Ė interviewing -- these women on the phone before you make the date to go to Starbucks? Are you finding out whether sheís really 5í8Ē, 132 pounds, and not 5í4Ē, 182 pounds? Try to get as much information as possible beforehand Ė itíll save you lots of time.
The only reason you should go to a bar or club is to have a good time with your buddy. Itís a mistake to get caught up in that scene. And forget Friday and Saturday nights. If you want to do the bars, do them on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays when the atmosphere is a little less competitive. But ultimately clubs and bars arenít really a good bet, because theyíre the only places women go to pick up guys when they have their shields up. Sounds like a contradiction to me, but thatís the reality of the situation.
George, youíve listed all of your qualifications. But are you fun to be with? Have you developed your sense of humor? That counts for more than anything when youíre trying to make a go of it in the dating game. Donít come off like a whipped loser, even if thatís how you feel. Remember my cousin Fast Eddie Loveís advice: ďIf you can make íem laugh, dude, itís party time!Ē
Where you want to go is to lunches, dinners, and meetings sponsored by various womenís groups on how to make your business better, how to be a successful entrepreneur, how to enlarge your home-based business, etc. Thereíll be women there. All kinds of women. Youíll be like a weasel in a henhouse. Sit and talk shop with them. Itís here you can develop your ďsales presentation.Ē Itís here youíll find out which of your jokes work, and which donít. Think of these functions as a great place to practice.
Other superb places to meet women are yoga class, wine-tasting clubs, swing-dance class, New Age seminars (but watch out for the whackos), cooking class, comedy improv workshops, acting class (again, be on Whacko Alert!), and weddings. You might also try some volunteer activities.
But the very best way to determine where to go, George, is by asking yourself what hobbies and pastimes interest you the most. Make a list of those. The ones that have the most women involved are where you want to be.
Remember, guys: just because youíre alone doesnít mean you have to be lonely.
To send me your love questions or to find out more about ďThe System,Ē visit me at http://www.doclove.com or call (800) 404-2644.
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, ďWhy do you stay with one woman versus another?Ē
© Copyright 2004 DocLove DotCom, Inc.
- CAN YOU ALWAYS TELL WHY SHE DUMPED YOU?
- SHOULD YOU KEEP HER IF SHE CENSORS YOUR READING?
- DOES THE AVERAGE GUY EVER REALLY STAND A CHANCE?
- WILL ďTHE SYSTEMĒ MAKE YOU SOMETHING YOUíRE NOT?
- WHAT IF SHE DOESNíT HAVE A HOME PHONE NUMBER?
- SLOW AND EASY, OR FAST AND FURIOUS?
- DO SOME MEN MAKE TELEPHONE BLUNDERS?
- WHY WONíT SHE CALL YOU HER BOYFRIEND?
- PRETEND YOU DONíT CARE AND WATCH THE FIREWORKS
- ONLY THE WOMAN KNOWS THE RIGHT TIME