Doc Love Dating Advice
WHY WON’T SHE CALL YOU HER BOYFRIEND?
Women Don’t Lie - Men Don’t Listen
Success Coach - Doc Love
I’ve been dating this fantastic girl, Julie, for about five months (thanks to your great advice) but there is one thing she does that confuses me. For instance, last night she said that she doesn’t want to make a commitment or be exclusive with anyone right now. She says that we aren’t really exclusive even though neither one of us has dated anyone else since we started our relationship. She says she’s happy with the way things are, and she’s not pursuing anyone else because she likes me and loves my company. But -- she doesn’t want to put a “label” on our relationship right now.
Julie is young (22), likes to flirt with guys and is very popular, so I can see how a “commitment” to me might make her think that it would change her life, but she made it sound like if we were exclusive that I would demand all her time and would have to be the number-one priority in her life. But I’m not looking for that; I want time away from her too so that both of us can hang out with friends.
Her definition of “commitment” and “exclusive” seem pretty serious, and I told her that. On the other hand, my definition of those two terms isn’t as heavy, and actually pretty much describes what we’re doing right now.
We already see a lot of each other. She talks to me everyday (she calls me 75% of the time). She must have high interest in me because of all the things she does for me: she’s very affectionate, laughs all the time, compliments me, invites me out, bakes me cookies, visits me at work, never turned down a date, schedules dates, invites me to hang out with her family -- I mean, I could go on and on. And she’s been very consistent since the beginning.
I just don’t understand why she won’t use the term “boyfriend.” I kind of feel like I’m dating a guy who can’t commit. I told her that she can do whatever she wants and that I’m not trying to force her into anything serious (but if she starts dating someone else, I won’t be a part of it). I asked her what she would think if I decided to date other girls, and she said she would think that I didn’t like her very much.
Should I just chill out, or should I be concerned about why Julie’s so afraid of having a “boyfriend?” I guess it shouldn’t be such a big deal that she doesn’t call me her boyfriend, but I just don’t want to spend more money and time with a girl whose mind and heart might be elsewhere.
Thanks Doc. You are a great help!
Matt - who can’t figure her out
You blew a great opportunity to establish yourself as a Challenge to be reckoned with when Julie told you she didn’t want to be exclusive. Right then and there you should have said, “Know what, honey? Those are exactly my feelings, too!” Since the woman always sets the tone in the relationship, you really had no choice but to come right back with that statement, but you didn’t. Furthermore, as Sal “The Fish” Love says, “The best way to get a woman to change her mind is by agreeing with her!” Remember that the next time Julie tells you how independent she needs to be.
But let’s look at how silly this whole thing really is. If neither of you are seeing anyone else, that’s the definition of “exclusive,” right? Julie’s just got cold feet about the word itself. If that’s her little quirk, so what? That’s why we have the Bottom Line Factor, buddy: All we ever go by is the woman’s actions. We don’t care about what she says. The problem here is that like a sensitive plant you’re reacting to her hang-up. Julie’s definition of exclusivity is obviously a lot heavier than yours, so you two are splitting hairs over definitions. But your relationship itself is great.
By the way, Matt, you could have been in a real danger zone if Julie were between the ages of 18 to 22. Because this is the age range when girls fall in love – for five minutes. (Think Britney Spears.) But you’ve got five months in with her already, and things have been going great guns. To boot, she’ll be turning 23, she’s almost a young woman now, so you should be out of the woods.
One piece of advice: it’s not your mission in life to keep AT&T in business. Let Julie talk to the answering machine and call her the next day. Do that every other time she calls. Let her think about where you are and what you’re doing. The tactic is sure to drive already-high Interest Level into the upper 90s. It works every time.
Now, pal, why is it so important to you that Julie uses the word “boyfriend” when it doesn’t really matter? It’s true, as you yourself said, that you’re acting like an insecure woman. (You further weaken your position by giving Julie “permission” to do whatever she wants – hey, who said you had to give permission in the first place?) Why are you so afraid when she won’t use the term “boyfriend” when she treats you exactly like one? Just chill out, Matt!
Finally, it’s impossible that your girl’s mind might be elsewhere because your laundry list proving her Interest Level is about a mile long. This girl’s all over you like a cheap suit. Forget about what she says. Pay attention to what she does.
Remember, guys: you don’t want to be too rigid.
To send me your love questions or to find out more about “The System,” visit me at http://www.doclove.com or call (800) 404-2644.
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, “Why do you stay with one man versus another?”
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