Doc Love Dating Advice
ONLY THE WOMAN KNOWS THE RIGHT TIME
Women Don’t Lie - Men Don’t Listen
Success Coach - Doc Love
I’ve been dating Eve for a few months now and I’m a little confused. Our romance really took off one month into our relationship, but only recently did she reveal to me her “secret”: that she is still legally married and waiting for her divorce papers to come through. (She was married for three years, and has been separated for six months.) She does not contact her ex; in fact, he does not even know where she lives. (No kids, by the way.)
I see Eve twice a week, and she stays with me at least one of those two times. We have great fun together and she is extremely affectionate with me. She has hinted many times to friends and family that she has long-term plans for me.
This past New Year’s Day I made the Jack Daniels-induced blunder of asking if she wanted to be my girlfriend. She politely said she was not ready, so I quickly switched subjects. Two days later we went out again, and she told me how only now is her life finally settling down again. (Her divorce is finally coming through, she bought a car, moved out of her Dad’s home into her own place, and just got a job.)
Eve shows a lot of interest in me (even all my buddies who’ve met her agree), but she is reluctant to commit to being my steady, even after acknowledging that she is not seeing anyone else, and wanting us to be more romantically close than ever.
At the same time, sometimes she makes comments that reveal she appreciates being single and spending time with her girlfriends. She mentioned that her ex was a control freak who did not let her have friends, and moved her to a solitary house in a small town.
As a result, I’ve pulled back a little. But recently, on my birthday, Eve came to my place and gave me over $100 in gifts, even though she’s not doing so great financially.
Doc, I want Eve to be mine. What should I do? Is it worthwhile to wait and keep being a Challenge? Am I rushing, or am I wasting my time? Finally, was the fact that she didn’t tell me she was married a simple sin of omission, or should I be more concerned about it?
Tracy - who needs some expert guidance
First of all, calm down, guy! You’re in much better shape here than you realize. Let me explain.
I don’t think a woman should have to spill that she’s going through a divorce on the first date. I don’t think it’s any guy’s business – and, vice-versa, any girl’s business. As Interest Level climbs in a relationship, then it’s the proper time to bring up that sort of information. And Eve has done just that. She’s been appropriately open and honest. She isn’t hiding anything. Remember, it’s not like the two of you have been together for a year and a half and she’s been holding out on you for some shady reason. In other words, the point when she told you about her marital situation was in proportion to the time you’ve been dating.
The reason Eve’s so affectionate with you is because her Interest Level’s way up in the 90s. No kids? Doesn’t see her ex? This is very rare, my friend. You got a pretty clean deal on this one, Trace. I hope you realize how lucky you are.
Instead, you’re going after the wrong thing. You’re looking for a negative because she won’t verbally commit, but her actions indicate her real feelings, which is all that counts. Eve could tell you that she hates you, but as long she’s with you all the time and nobody else, that’s all that matters! And the icing on the cake is that she’s spending on you when she’s not flush. I’ve got news for you, pal: women don’t do that unless they really dig you.
The fact that Eve is freshly separated is what’s scaring her. She’s just getting out of a legal bind with what sounds like an abusive spouse, and when she hears you insisting on new ties, she freaks a little. (Can you blame her?) As long as you get your two days a week with her and she’s all over you like white on rice, don’t panic. And don’t pay attention to her chatter, because it’s just that – nervous chatter.
To you Psych majors, the woman is supposed to ask you to be her boyfriend. This is where you’ve got it backwards, Tracy. The only right time to find out if she wants to be your steady is when she brings it up, not the other way around. That way there won’t be any mistakes and misinterpretations on your part.
You mention that Eve’s getting her life together. Hallelujah! You gotta love this girl. Just look at all the proactive things she’s doing to become independent and self-sufficient. Some women milk their divorces (and their exes) for three or four years, but Eve’s moving right on with her life, and not wasting any time doing it. She knows that making mistakes is okay when you try and fix them quickly. She got rid of her husband and fortunately he’s not hanging around causing problems. And you still get your two days a week together. This one’s an ace, buddy.
You have to learn to ease off the verbal pressure, dude. Girls want to have girlfriends. Eve’s husband was against that. And so when you bring up the notion of a commitment, she fears she’s going to lose her freedom again. (And by the way, she just mentions the girls in passing -- she’s not talking about them every five minutes or for hours on end.) It’s good that you’re sensitive to what the lady’s saying, but your interpretation of her words is off.
As my cousin “Fast Eddie” Love would say, “When it comes to a good woman, don’t look a gift horse in the mouth!” And you’ve got a good one here. That $100 worth of gifts says it all. She came to your place, she’s broke, and she’s spending money on you. Now, is this girl a Giver or what? Does this girl have high Interest Level? The answer is YES.
What you should do is this: stay a Challenge, keep your mouth shut, and stop trying to rush the girl. She likes you a lot. You have nothing to worry about. Let her ask you for a commitment.
Remember, guys: only women know the right time.
To send me your love questions or to find out more about “The System,” visit me at http://www.doclove.com or call (800) 404-2644.
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, “Why do you stay with one man versus another?”
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