Doc Love Dating Advice
IS IT YOUR KIDS SHE DOESN’T WANT – OR YOU?
Women Don’t Lie - Men Don’t Listen
Success Coach - Doc Love
April and I were together for over a year and a half. When we broke up, we still loved each other very much. Her reasoning was that I am a single father with custody of four kids and an ex-wife who is largely absent from her kids’ lives. April is very intimidated by taking on this kind of responsibility and ultimately felt she couldn’t do it. She also felt that I couldn’t give her the time she needed, and so the relationship ended.
However, we remained friends for a short while and then ceased all contact. Neither of us could take the total separation and we started to talk again and date with the agreement (at her insistence) that we are still “broken up.” However -- again her idea -- we are exclusive as far as intimacy goes. She told me that she dated a couple of guys when we were apart, but she found that their qualities weren’t as strong as mine, which brought her closer to me. We have now been “dating” again for about three months. I have been bending over backwards to show her how much I love her and that our relationship can work. I give her cards, flowers, and compliments and have been pretty much at her beck and call. I know that this can be dangerous too (too nice, too sweet, no Challenge, etc.).
Lately I’ve had a strong gut feeling that she may be losing interest in me, and that maybe she’s seeing someone else. She’ll be very loving one day and the very next day she’ll seem distant or indifferent. There have been times when it seems like she really doesn’t want that long kiss or much of a kiss at all. Once in awhile she’ll bring up the “fact” that we’re “broken up.” When I’m at her place and her phone rings, she’ll ignore it or just look at the caller ID and act paranoid. When we were “together,” her phone hardly ever rang, but since we’ve been “just dating,” it seems to ring a little more often. The other night she answered and told the caller she would call back later. She told me it was her mother, though when she was on the phone, it didn’t sound like someone talking to her mom.
However, even during her “cold” stages, April tells me that she loves me, calls me pet names, etc. She even mentions the future, i.e., “Someday we’ll have to do this,” or mention doing something together two or three months down the road. In other words, she leads me to believe that we could possibly have a long-term future together.
I always trusted April 100% throughout our relationship. But now I find myself agonizing over whether she’s lying to me or if she’s seeing someone else. I find myself overanalyzing and obsessing over every little thing she does. I wonder what she’s doing on her lunch hour, what time she’s getting home from work, and what she meant when she said something fairly trivial. I know this sounds like the ranting of a madman, but it has been really hard and love does make you crazy.
I don’t ask April questions or pressure her because I know it can make things worse. But I’m getting to a point where I feel I have to talk to her about all these things I’m feeling.
Doc, from your experience, do you think that I’m a victim of my own imagination and there’s really nothing to worry about? Or do you think she is being dishonest with me and stepping out behind my back? Is she protecting herself so that if we truly break up she won’t be as hurt? Is she stringing me along and just waiting to find someone else? Or do you think it’s the fact that I have all those kids?
Help me, Doc.
Spencer - who can’t take this much longer
You and April still love each other very much? You mean to tell me that she has 95% Interest Level in you yet goes ahead and breaks up with you anyway? I’m scratching my head here -- does this picture make any sense at all?
Know what, Spence? It doesn’t. April knew you had four kids when you started going out with her. She didn’t drop you and your four kids when she had high Interest Level in you, did she? But when a woman’s interest flags, she’s going to concoct an excuse to distance herself. In this case, it was your kids.
The only reason April’s back with you is because she can’t make out elsewhere. You’re back with her because you miss her. So your agendas are different. And by the way, if April had gone out with 102 guys instead of just a couple when she was doing her comparisons, you might have a leg to stand on. But as it is, she’s just getting started.
Your main problem, Spencer, is that you’re bending over backwards all the time. You’re what I call Wimpus Americanus, the most pathetic species of U.S. male. Doing things for your girlfriend in itself isn’t dangerous at all. But I don’t see you giving me a laundry list of all the things April’s done for YOU, other than smell good and look pouty and hot in her miniskirt!
Now let’s face reality here, guy. As the world’s top authority on women, that’s my job – to help you face reality. When April tells you about all the stuff that might happen “down the road,” it’s nothing but Womanese for chopped liver – leftovers. The odds of it happening? Zilch. See how she works your ego? With the skill of an acclaimed artist. Never will a woman tell a guy, “My Interest Level in you is only in the 30s and 40s!” She’ll blame your kids, problems in school, money worries, that her mom’s sick, everything except the real reason she’s tired of you: “My Interest Level in you is in the commode!”
From what you’re reporting, it’s obvious that April’s both lying to you AND seeing someone else. You’re overanalyzing and obsessing because your gut is telling you that everything she says is a falsehood. And she knows you’re so gone over her, so whipped, you’ll eat any crap she throws out.
Sure, love can make you temporarily crazy. But when a woman is in love, she doesn’t go crazy, she becomes submissive. She doesn’t want to see other guys. She’s consistent in her behavior. She doesn’t send confusing signals. Time to wake up and smell the jungle gardenias!
Pressuring April now isn’t going to hurt anything, Spence. Because, as “Fast Eddie” Love says, “Once her Interest Level hits 49%, it ain’t ever comin’ back!” And by the way, have you ever noticed that when a woman’s Interest Level is in the 90s that you never have to have those painful “talks?” I wonder why that is, guys? Duh!
Spencer, your list of questions tells me that you’ve gotten about halfway to the truth. You are a victim of your imagination, but there’s everything to worry about! Women with low Interest Level don’t mind lying. April’s just convalescing with you because she went through a couple of turkeys, but she’ll be out looking again soon. You finally made the truth-o-meter sing when you asked if she was stringing you along until she finds someone else. BINGO!
Let me tell you something, friend – if you owned oil wells in Texas, you could have 22 kids and it wouldn’t matter to April.
Remember, guys: when it’s over, it’s over.
To send me your love questions or to find out more about “The System,” visit me at http://www.doclove.com or call (800) 404-2644.
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the pas 30 years he has asked thousands of women, “Why do you stay with one man versus another?”
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