Doc Love Dating Advice
WOMEN SHOULD LEARN TO KEEP THEIR MOUTHS SHUT
Women Don’t Lie - Men Don’t Listen
Success Coach - Doc Love
I’ve been dating Teri for nine months now, and we’re currently engaged. I love her very much. We’ve both been divorced (I’m 34 and she’s 32), and everything seems absolutely wonderful, except that I’m having difficulty with her ex-lovers. Not with the reality of them, but, specifically, I can’t seem to get the image of her being intimate with them out of my mind. The two guys I think most about are her two most recent partners. Whenever I find myself thinking about it, I try to think about something else -- anything else, work, whatever, but it never really goes away. She didn’t date either of these guys for more than a month, and it just makes me mad that she gave away her intimacy so quickly to guys who clearly didn’t deserve it, who hadn’t earned it. As a footnote, she has been with around 30 guys in her life, and I’ve been with three women (I was married for 15 years).
We have an incredible and active romantic life, and I’m not insecure about my performance, and she tells me repeatedly that I am her best. (And no, it doesn’t make me feel better that she is good because she has had so much “practice.”) I’m not really concerned about her leaving me, or cheating on me, or desiring other men. She is a Giver, makes all sorts of special efforts for me, and is extremely loving and attentive. She does not have any communication at all with any of her exes, and I trust her completely. The issue is in my own head. On our very first date, she told me about the five or six guys she had been with over the past two years; clearly thinking it would be no big deal. She has been kicking herself for the past nine months for those five minutes of conversation.
Even now, as I’m typing this, I am picturing her with “Jack,” and it makes me want to punch something, even though she didn’t know I even existed at the time. Whenever we talk about it, it makes her feel embarrassed and “slutty,” and I don’t want to do that to her, and I’m trying to keep my moods to myself. I don’t want this to taint our relationship, because she really is the one that I plan to spend my life with. I have begun to see a counselor, but any words of advice from you would be greatly appreciated.
Marvin - who desperately wants to get rid of the ghosts
I’ll get to you in a moment.
First I have to something to say to you ladies out there. Please, KEEP YOUR TRAPS SHUT. It really amazes me that you profess to understand men; you know that they want someone relatively unsullied (even though you’re 85 years old and you’ve been out with the 181st Airborne), yet you go shooting your mouths off about your lovely pasts! Think about it: why is it that telling the guy you’re dating that you’ve been intimate with somebody else (which in some corner of his mind he already suspects) is necessary? Worse, why do you have to go and lean on it so heavily?
Sadly, this is the legacy of the Feministas. “You’re equal to any ill-mannered jerk of a man, so go on and act just like him!” they preach to you. But ladies, your guy is already wondering, “Has this girl been out with only one other guy besides me, or has she been out with 288 others?” So how does all this intimate revelation help a man feel like more of a man? How does going out with two divisions of Army Rangers make you more attractive as a female? How will it make a guy feel better towards you that on Friday night you were so happy the football team won that you jumped into the showers with them?
So please, ladies, in the future, fake it. Pretend that you’ve got a little bit of lily of the valley in you. I don’t care how tough a guy is, he doesn’t want to hear or know about your wild adventures with other guys, he wants to rationalize to himself, “You know, I don’t think this one’s been around the block a hundred times like all the others! This one’s odometer only reads 188,000 miles instead of 200,000!”
Now, back to you, Marv. Listen to me, pal: learn to live with it, or get out. Wake up -- Teri’s previous flames deserved her intimacy, all right, because they got it! What you’re really lamenting is how it should have been earned by them and wasn’t. And those 30 guys she mentioned are only the ones you know about, friend. So I don’t doubt you’ve got an active and incredible romantic life – she’s had enough practice, like you said, whether or not you like it. Or maybe she’s just a natural.
Marvin, I have to tell you that your Teri sounds like a very classy lady. It’s really elegant that on the first date this gal’s blabbing to you about all the studs she’s been to bed with in the past few months. Wow -- and you fell in love with her? You overlooked this when you decided to get involved with her? Come on, guy, something’s wrong with your head!
Now I’m not passing judgment on her or her private life. I’m not saying she was wrong for doing what she did. But if your sister were dating some guy, wouldn’t you advise her, “Sis, stop bragging about sleeping in a different house on fraternity row every night!”?
Teri should be embarrassed. She should be feeling “slutty.” That’s the problem in America today -- nobody has any shame anymore. And she should feel shame. “But her bigger problem,” as “Fast Eddie” Love would say, “is that she’s got a BIG YAP.”
Dude, this has been driving you crazy for nine months out of the nine months you’ve known Teri. It has already tainted your relationship. You can’t get shake it. You’ve got a problem. Anything that eats away at you -- and I don’t care if it’s that she cleans her teeth with a toothpick in a restaurant – is a problem. So you’re right to seek out someone who’s got a sheepskin on his wall. My job isn’t to figure out what’s going on between your ears, but I can tell you this: if it makes you miserable, it makes you miserable. You have to ask your girl, “Honey, if you’re trying to make me feel good, why would you even bring this stuff up? What’s going on in your mind?”
And now that the cat’s out of the bag, it’s going to bother you for the rest of your life.
Good luck, Marvin. You’re going to need it.
Remember, girls: down deep, he wants a virgin.
To send me your love questions or to find out more about “The System,” visit me at http://www.doclove.com or call (800) 404-2644.
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, “Why do you stay with one man versus another?”
© Copyright 2004 DocLove DotCom, Inc.
- CAN THE PATTERN OF A RELATIONSHIP EVER BE CHANGED?
- SHOULD YOU KEEP YOUR EX AS A FRIEND?
- WHAT IF SHE WON’T COMMIT -- BUT WON’T LET GO?
- WHEN IT COMES TO A DATE, DOES NO ALWAYS MEAN NO?
- HOW DO YOU GET HER TO COOL HER JETS?
- SHOULD YOU BELIEVE HER – OR YOUR EYES?
- IS THERE EVER A GOOD TIME TO RIP OFF YOUR BUDDY?
- WHAT’S THE BEST WAY TO GET A WOMAN TO WANT TO HOLD ONTO YOU?
- WHEN SHOULD A MAN SEEK CLOSURE?
- DOES LOVE ALWAYS HAVE TO BE SUCH A MYSTERY?