Doc Love Dating Advice
HOW DO YOU GET HER TO COOL HER JETS?
Women Don’t Lie – Men Don’t Listen
Success Coach – Doc Love
My problem is a little unusual. I’m looking to you for some good advice.
I was dating Samantha for about seven months before she had to go out of state to attend the best university business program in the country. (She’d already been accepted before she even met me.) She said that if she’d met me beforehand, she would have accepted another offer she got that was closer to home, but as it is she’s going to be gone for a little over a year. We’ve been doing the long distance dating thing for about four months now and she’s always talking about how she wants to marry me. As far as calling and e-mailing me, she is completely consistent. I fly to see her and she flies to see me once a month. Once she finishes the program, our goal is to go to graduate school in the same city. In other words, things are going fine between us, but I have two concerns about our relationship.
1. Samantha constantly asks me when we are going to get engaged. She says it in a joking way, but I know that she’s serious. My question is, how should I respond? I’m completely in love with this girl and want to marry her, but what is the correct response to keep her Interest Level up? (Sometimes I joke that we should go to Las Vegas tomorrow. Other times I’ll give her a more serious answer and say that we’re headed in that direction. But I’m not sure that it would be the best idea to tie the knot so soon.)
2. Samantha cries at least twice a week when we’re on the phone about how she wants me to pretty much drop everything right now and come and live with her. She tells me that I won’t have to pay for anything, and that I can just live in her apartment. This week she took it a step further and gave me a sort of indirect ultimatum by telling me that she didn’t know how she was going to deal with living apart from me for a whole year. “You need to move down here right now,” she said. I found myself a little panic-stricken at the idea.
Doc, how should I respond to this pressure? Our plans for the future sound fine to me as they are – Samantha finishes her program and the two of us go to grad school together. I tell her to relax about what’s going on, but she insists that she misses me entirely too much to even concentrate on her work. I really hope you can help me here, Doc, before I do something stupid.
Keith – who doesn’t know what he should do with her
Let me start off by saying congratulations, man. I have to take my hat off to you -- you’ve got Samantha exactly where you want her. Your goal should be to keep her right there.
One very positive point we shouldn’t lose sight of right up front is that Samantha said that had she met you before getting her out-of-state offer, she would have made a different choice and stayed closer to home. Do women with low Interest Level talk like that? No way – only women on the other end of the Interest Level spectrum do. So this is about the strongest indication you can have of her high Interest Level – assuming she’s telling the truth.
The right thing to do is let Samantha know that the two of you will get engaged after she comes back from school. This girl is straining at the leash like a hungry Doberman -- she’s completely gone over you and can’t wait to get back to you. And since you’re deeply in love with her, it makes sense to take that step. It’s okay to give in to your girl here, buddy. (But make sure that she understands that she still has to be a nice girl when she’s away at school, otherwise there will be no engagement. Remember old Pavlov’s dog.)
Don’t worry about keeping her Interest Level up, pal. You’ve already pumped it into the stratosphere like a helium balloon – she’s going crazy for you right now! You’re actually underrating her Interest Level, Keith. If this girl were any more nuts over you, she’d have to be committed. But don’t you go getting bent out of shape or going gaga over the situation. Hey, you’re not tying the knot just yet -- you’re only buying time by telling your babe you’ll get engaged when she gets back.
The reason Samantha’s begging you to move in with her right now is not because she’s a rigid or structured or hardheaded female, which is where most ugly ultimatums usually come from. She’s doing this because her Interest Level is hitting the high nineties. Let’s face it, man; she’s ready to pay for everything. (Gee, I’m impressed, Keith. She’s gotta be the first woman in the history of mankind to make that statement!) And so you reacted, at least on the inside – you didn’t practice Self-Control. Hopefully, you didn’t say anything to her at that moment. It’s okay to feel panic-stricken, but it’s not good to express it verbally to the one you love. As General Love puts it, “Never show weakness at the critical moment!”
But don’t lose any sleep over all this “pressure.” Samantha’s bluffing. She’s not going anywhere without you, Keith, as long as you keep playing your cards right.
Reassure her that since you’ve already got four months of being apart out of the way, you’ve only got eight more to go. You’re talking, you’re e-mailing, and you’re seeing her every fourth week. Tell her to keep her pants on! When she whines that she can’t concentrate without you being there, tell her what my cousin Fast Eddie Love would tell her: “Honey, you’re only a human being, and I understand.”
Forget about doing anything stupid, Keith – don’t do anything different, period. Just keep doing what you’re doing, because you’re doing just about everything right. Relax – you’ve got no problems. Just remind Samantha that if she’s a good, patient girl for the next eight months, you’ll reward her with that diamond. That will keep her content.
Remember, guys: it’s only okay to come on heavy after she does.
To send me your love questions or to find out more about “The System,” visit me at http://www.doclove.com or call (800) 404-2644.
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, “Why do you stay with one man versus another?”
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