Doc Love Dating Advice
THE PROPER EXECUTION OF THE `FIRST KISS`
Women Don't Lie - Men Don't Listen
Success Coach - Doc Love
I have a problem that I need some help with. I don’t know how many other guys have trouble with this. But even though it’s kind of embarrassing, I’ll just tell you what it is, in hopes that you can help me out. The thing is, I never know where, when and even exactly how to first kiss a girl, any girl who I’m out on a date with.
Once I get past that first kiss and I know that she’s attracted to me, I’m fine. But it’s that first, potentially awkward kiss that I really have trouble with. I’m not good with timing at all and it seems like there are so many ways to get it wrong. I’ve had some bad experiences in the past where, when I went for the kiss, my date said something like, “What are you doing?!” and seemed offended.
I’ve also had more than a few experiences where the girl would kiss me back but almost reluctantly or with a kind of feeling like she was just being polite and then she would like change the subject and start asking me questions about something un-related. At those times I’ve always felt like I just didn’t do it right, like if I had been more suave and sophisticated that I would have gotten a better response.
So, do you have any tips on the proper execution of the first kiss? There are so many questions that come to mind on the topic. How long should you wait before you make your move? Should you always give her a nice compliment before you go for it? How do you know when the timing is right? Besides making sure that your breath is fresh (which I do) are there any other crucial do’s and don’t’s that you recommend? Please let me know what you know about this Doc. I respect your wisdom.
Clint – who needs some pointers
No reason to be sheepish about your question. You might feel like you’re the only guy on the planet who has this dilemma, but you’re not, at all! Most guys are confused about these very same issues, at least at some time in their lives. Why? Because good mentors and role models for proper deportment with women are hard to come by.
Some guys have a natural, effortless mastery with women, but they are a minority. And most of the guys who ARE highly skilled and confident with women aren’t usually motivated to take the time and caring to help other men become more successful with women. The way most of us learn how to ‘do it right’ is by trial and error – lots of error and always on trial.
All right Clint. Here is some priceless information that will make a big difference for you. The number one rule of proper first kiss execution, is that you must be certain that you have built a strong sense of COMFORT for your date BEFORE you make your move. She doesn’t HAVE to be in an altered state of blissful romantic anticipation, but she MUST feel physically and emotionally comfortable with you in general and particularly at the moment of truth.
Things that diminish a woman’s comfort level are: any talk of sex or comments about her body, staring at her breasts, complaints about ex-girlfriends, driving too fast, an environment that’s too hot or too cold or unsafe in any way, a lack of privacy, loud noises, obnoxious room mates, creepy insects, bothersome pets, and a dirty,dusty house, to name a few things. Talking about anything negative, whether it’s how much you hate your boss or the last horror flick you saw, is also going to make her uncomfortable.
The way you build comfort is by keeping the conversation positive and light and by getting her to laugh as much as you can.
Also keep in mind that as you’re about to go for it, YOU may not feel comfortable at all. But that’s normal. After all, YOU’RE the one who’s about to risk rejection, not her. But all that really matters is that SHE feels comfortable. SHE has to feel comfortable or forget it.
The other crucial key to proper first kiss execution is: DON’T SAY ANYTHING. The easiest way to appear suave and sophisticated when you first make your move is to do it in silence. For instance, say that you and your date are sipping tea on her couch after the two of you have been out for a lovely meal. Try to get a couple of good one liners into the conversation if you can. Then make sure that she’s finished saying anything she might have been sharing with you, give her a big smirk of a smile, and then silently and sweetly, lay one on her.
Don’t try to justify your actions with a compliment. Don’t try to excuse or explain what you’re about to do. Don’t try to motivate her by telling her much you like her. Don’t ask her permission to kiss her, which she will perceive as weak and begging (unless her Interest Level is off the chart from the get-go)
Remember, the classic male archetype of women’s romantic fantasies is “The strong SILENT type.” As my Uncle Jethro Love used to say, “You can’t wind up saying something that lowers her Interest Level OR her comfort level if you simply don’t speak at all, now can you?” So be Mr. Nike, and without a word - just do it.
Sometimes that first kiss happens magically and effortlessly, as if you and your date were actors in a romantic film with all the elements in perfect alignment. But more often, things don’t flow so perfectly. Many times, going for that first kiss is like trying to change the dust bag on an old Hoover, no matter how careful you are, things get a bit messy. That’s OK. If the Interest Level is there, she’ll be happy that you went for it, regardless of any lack of elegance in your approach. To you Psych majors, when they like you, they help you AND they give you the benefit of the doubt.
Clint, If you had told me that all women whom you try to kiss, respond negatively to you, then I’d really have to grill you to find out what you were consistently doing to turn them all off. But since you are reporting that some women DO respond positively to your overtures, then I’d say that the only problem with those other women was that they simply had low Interest Level.
I think you’ve been judging yourself too harshly. It’s normal to be rejected more often than you’re accepted by women. Dating is a numbers game and that’s just the way the game works. It’s not that unusual for a woman to respond in a non-enthusiastic manner when you give her the smooch test, but the next one just might suck your tongue out of your head.
So after you’ve tried my suggestions, Clint, write me back. I’m certain you’ll have some better experiences to report. And the next time a woman whom you’ve just kissed for the first time acts offended and says to you, “What are you doing?” just tell her, “I’m trying to bring a little sunshine into your life.”
Remember, guys, always make certain that she’s comfortable before you make your move.
To send me your love questions or to find out more about “The System,” visit me at http://www.doclove.com or call (800) 404-2644.
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, “Why do you stay with one man versus another?”
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