Doc Love Dating Advice

  CAN SHE BE TRUSTED WHEN SHE’S LIVING IN ANOTHER COUNTRY?
                              Women Don’t Lie – Men Don’t Listen
                                      Success Coach – Doc Love

Hey Doc,

I started studying your ideas more than six months ago and it’s helped me a lot. I met Reva in June. We’ve been dating since then and I have always abided by most of your rules and kept myself a Challenge. Things were going pretty well until two weeks ago.

Here’s my problem. Reva recently got a hot new job that will require that she move to Baltimore. Since we live in a Third World country, this is a bit of a problem.  But the new job is a very nice opportunity, and I agree that she can’t let it pass because it’s an opportunity she’ll never get in our country. I have to stay at my university until I graduate in 2005, so I can’t move with her. I feel so good about Reva that I was mentally preparing myself to let her go by herself to America and try to keep the relationship going by telephone while she decides to either move back here or I finish my studies and move to be with her. In the meantime, I figured, we’d travel back and forth to see each other.

Last weekend my girl revealed to me that there was someone else in Baltimore. She went out with this guy when she was there for two weeks last summer. After a few talks about this situation, Reva admitted to me that they were intimate once. All this happened before we met, so it doesn’t count, and I can’t really make an issue of it.

But Doc, Reva tells me that this guy is the only person she knows in Baltimore and she wants to spend time with him because he can show her around places she doesn’t know, etc., and blah blah blah. (Like your principles taught me, this is Womanese for “she is insecure.”) I told her that I appreciated her sincerity, but that I don’t want her seeing the guy if she wants to stick with me. We argued, and later she told me that she would do everything possible not to see him. On the other hand, it would be nearly impossible not to see him since he works at the same place where she’ll be employed. But I maintain that it is entirely possible not to have to date him despite that fact.

The way I see it, there are three options for Reva:

1. Stay with me in our country.

2. Refuse that particular opportunity and look for another job in the United States.

3. (The one I like best.) Stay loyal to me, forget the other guy, and do as we planned until I’m through with school.

What do you think I should do, Doc?

Anthony – who doesn’t know whether he should let her go

Hi Anthony,

Things were going well with Reva until two weeks ago? I’m sorry to have to enlighten you, but you’ve had a problem all along and just now noticed it. And you should have picked up on it a lot sooner, especially if you read my articles. I’ve said it again and again: men see things too late. Her Interest Level is going south faster than George W. Bush’s popularity, and you guys are oblivious!

Reva’s planned move to the United States is not just a bit of a problem, guy – it’s a massive problem. As my cousin, Sal “The Fish” Love, would say, “If you saw the Grand Canyon, you’d probably call it a gopher hole!” It goes back to the notion that women don’t lie, and men don’t interpret properly.

According to you, your girl’s prospective job is a “nice opportunity.” Now there’s your biggest mistake -– you not only went along with the idea, you pushed it. If Reva was shooting a bazooka at you, you’re the kind of guy who would hand her more ammo! (Your kindly intentions to keep the relationship going no matter what is, of course, based on the assumption that Reva’s Interest Level is at least 51%. Because if it’s 49% or less, you’re on the wrong road, Bruce Lee!)

Next, you tell me that Reva was “intimate” once with this fellow in Baltimore, but you “can’t make an issue of it.” While you shouldn’t make an issue of it to her, you have to ask yourself, if she was intimate with him once, why is she not making more of an effort to keep away from him? Why is she not sparing you the heartache? Think about what this is saying to you, Anthony! Duh!

So -- this other guy is going to be Reva’s Baltimore cicerone (in Italy that’s what they call a tour guide cum gigolo!)? Notice how she rationalizes her behavior here. She’s telling you in essence that she’s got high Interest Level -- in him! Know why she’s being so hard on you? Because of her low Interest Level in you. This guy’s the only guy she knows in Baltimore? I think I’m about to cry! Tell her to tough it out! But my guess is that it’s already too late to win this horse race. When a woman says it’s “nearly impossible” not to see another guy, it means -- as Fast Eddie Love would say – “The odds are 8 to 2 she’s going to see him!”

Again, Anthony, you only got half of the situation right. I keep reminding you Psych majors: you’ve got to be a love cop on “Love and Order.” You can’t afford to miss the clues that are staring you right in the face! And once you’ve got them, you have to learn, like Sherlock Holmes, to interpret correctly. But don’t take it personally – it’s an acquired skill.

Now, let’s examine your three options.  Actually, there are only two. Know why? Reva’s not even thinking of staying in your country with you, pal. She’s thinking about Baltimore, and her new life there -- without you! And when she thinks about it, there’s a great, big smile on her face because of that Interest Level problem I talked about. Regarding the second option – that she should find another job in the U.S. – well, the odds are better that she’ll get eaten by a bear in one of our national parks. The third option is an illusion, a pipedream, because of the other guy. What you should have done was added a fourth: “Reva, raise your Interest Level into the nineties, and we’ll take it from there!” Because unless her Interest Level is in the stratosphere, you’re in trouble. My job is to raise her Interest Level in you, and, more importantly, to keep it there forever so she never wants to call a divorce lawyer.

Remember guys, if she wants to move away, it’s time to play – with some other girls.

To send me your love questions or to find out more about “The System,” visit me at http://www.doclove.com or call (800) 404-2644.

Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, “Why do you stay with one man versus another?”

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