Doc Love Dating Advice
DON’T BLAME “THE SYSTEM” – BLAME YOUR INCONSISTENT BEHAVIOR
Women Don’t Lie – Men Don’t Listen
Success Coach – Doc Love
About a year ago I met Carrie, who at first I thought was the shy, innocent type, but slightly interesting and very pretty. For four months or so we were friends, nothing more. Frankly, I wasn’t all that interested in her. One time she asked about my love life, and I told her, truthfulIy, that I was going out with another girl. From that moment on she fell for me. I continued dating the other girl until things weren’t going well anymore with her. Then I stopped calling the other girl and that was the end of the relationship. Now I was officially “free,” and while Carrie had high Interest Level in me, my Interest Level in her had not risen. But some weeks passed and we started dating. At that point I began to realize that she was a really great person, and I began to slowly fall for her. I had never heard of “The System,” but I was instinctively acting the way I felt, and without knowing it had been quite a Challenge for her.
For the first month or so we went out four to five times a week, and we began a long-term committed relationship. I’d never thought of settling down, but Carrie really got to me.
As in any relationship, the first three months or so were very sweet; there were no problems, and we were very much in love. We’ve been together for six months now. The only problem I had was with my friends, who kept telling me I’d changed, and didn’t want to go out with them and act stupid like we usually did. About a month ago, I realized that what they’d been telling me was true. I wanted to change this pattern and regain my manly, careless, beer-drinking side.
At about the same time, I learned about “The System” through a friend. Suddenly I realized that I was doing lots of things wrong in my relationship with Carrie, starting with excessive “I love you’s,” showing my jealousy, talking about my insecurities, and being completely open with her.
Immediately I began to change my behavior and reverted to my old self. Before I did, Carrie was apparently happy and her Interest Level had remained steadily high. Now that I’m more of a Challenge again and have corrected what I was doing wrong, she is unhappy most of the time – complaining that we don’t see each other as much as before and that I don’t seem to love her as much. She even told me recently that there have been more bad times than quality times lately, which is not true.
Paradoxically, since I’ve regained myself, I’ve been able to keep her Interest Level even higher than when I was whipped and controlled. I really don’t know what I’m doing wrong, because when I was whipped she seemed so happy, but it was really exhausting for me. Now I’m happier than ever, but Carrie claims that I don’t love her as much and she seems to be having trouble.
Doc, I’m deeply in love with this girl and want to do whatever it takes to keep her, but I still have my own needs, and want to hold onto my Integrity and Confidence. I’m somewhat desperate about this situation. I don’t want to go back to being whipped, but at the same time I want to make this girl happy. I need your expert advice.
Douglas – who wishes he could backtrack to the beginning
First of all, here’s a tip for you. Anytime a girl asks you about your love life, tell her you’re going out with a bunch of different girls; don’t tell her you’re going out with only one. It’ll make you seem more desirable, and she won’t have to feel like a homewrecker.
Pal, you’re seeing this girl way too much. It’s all right to see a girl two or three times a week, but only after she’s already head over heels for you, and much later in the relationship -- not straight out of the starting gate. The key here is that at the beginning of a relationship, you’ve got to spoon-feed your time to her. Think about it: if you get married, you’re going to be with this girl until you’re 85 years old! What’s your hurry?
Now, let’s cut to the core of what you did wrong with Carrie. You’re telling me you went from being a Challenge to her eunuch, and now you’ve gone back again? No wonder Carrie’s unhappy – you’re tossing her emotions back and forth like a yo-yo! Like most men when their Interest Level goes through the roof, you got dopey and forgot all about being a Challenge, Douglas. Carrie then got used to your so-called “whipped” behavior, and now that you’ve retreated in the opposite direction, she’s looking at nothing but a wimp who exhibits inconsistent behavior. When a guy is Confident, he is consistent. Carrie’s looking for consistency in your actions, and your actions are anything but. You need to be steady, you need to be true, you need to be balanced, you need to be centered. You need to be the same on the last date as you were on the first date.
Remember John Wooden, the legendary basketball coach who won 10 NCAA championships? If you watched his players and didn’t know the score of the game, you’d notice they played exactly the same whether they were 20 points up or 20 points down. They never panicked when things threatened to get a little out of control on the court. Wooden’s teams were always balanced, centered, and unruffled – all the qualities you failed to display to this girl. Wooden transmitted his rock-steady qualities to his players, and were the reason his teams were as incredibly successful as they were.
I hate to break this to you, guy, but Carrie’s Interest Level may have appeared to be high, but it was really heading due south. When a woman’s Interest Level drops from, for example, 88% to 85%, the man doesn’t sense it. When he finally wakes up to the fact that something is wrong, her Interest Level has already plummeted into the sixties – or lower. So from the time he actually picks up on trouble, he’s already 20% to 30% behind the rockslide.
The point is this, Douglas – you spoiled Carrie, and now you’re trying to reverse yourself. What you did was like handing candy to a child, taking it away, and then being upset when the kid cries! You had poor Carrie gorging on cheap Gallo wine like a thirsty drunk! What you needed to do was spread your love out over a long period of time. And another thing -- Carrie is not your mother and she’s not your therapist -- she’s your romantic lover, so why were you trying to turn her into those things? No wonder she was losing interest.
I want a guy to have high Interest Level in the girl he goes out with – almost as high as hers. But if you find that you’re tired, if you’re feeling drained, then your body is talking to you, and your body never lies. It’s telling you that you’re doing something wrong. What you should have done, instead of pulling a quick 180 on Carrie, was slowly decreased the amount of time you spent with her, gradually cut down the “I love you’s,” told her you were busy at work, and gone out with your beer-drinking buddies and had fun. But you can’t suddenly pull a 180 on any person in any relationship, because it shows you to be no better than a fickle little girl. No wonder Carrie is asking herself: “Is this a guy, or a light switch?”
Remember, guys: you have to be consistent.
To send me your love questions or to find out more about “The System,” visit me at http://www.doclove.com or call (800) 404-2644.
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, “Why do you stay with one man versus another?”
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