Doc Love Dating Advice
IF SHE’S FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE TRACKS, CAN SHE BE A “KEEPER?”
Women Don’t Lie – Men Don’t Listen
Success Coach – Doc Love
I recently came across your website and got acquainted with some of the information on it. I have to say it made for very interesting reading, but I’ve not seen anything like my situation discussed.
I’m currently involved in a new relationship and I was hoping that you could provide some insight. About two months ago I started dating my current girlfriend, Gloria. I come from a preppy background (I’m a graduate of an Ivy League university) and Gloria is from a somewhat lower-class background. Her parents were immigrants and her family are all blue-collar workers. This is the only truly noticeable difference between us. Despite it, Gloria is wonderful to me and I couldn’t be happier with her. She does lots of things for me -- including cook! How rare is that? Anyway, things have been going really well for us.
But Doc, Gloria’s had a very rough life. Her stepfather physically abused her for 10 years, she’s been homeless, old boyfriends have treated her like crap, etc. She projects a hardened, bad-ass image in public, and only reveals her soft, caring interior to me. To me, that’s a sign that she really does care for me. She’s been very expressive of her feelings, telling me that I’m wonderful almost every day. I’ve been expressive of my feelings towards her too, but with some guarded caution.
So the “I love you’s” have not been exchanged yet. I’m pretty much spending every night at her place (except for two to three days a week when I’m out of town). I do a lot for her around the house, compliment her, spend quality time snuggling, hugging, and so forth. Doc, I’m ready to exchange an “I love you,” because that’s how I feel about her.
But…something has been holding me back from going all the way, and I think it’s because of that class difference I mentioned. I worry that somehow the difference in her background will come out and have a negative effect on our relationship somewhere down the road when we’re deeply involved.
So I guess my question is this: considering the discrepancies in our backgrounds and the progress we’ve made in the last two months, where do I go from here? Can a difference in backgrounds ever be overcome? I know your feelings on the “I love you” issue, i.e. -- who should say it first, and I somewhat agree. But in this instance, we’re not talking about the typical girl, if there is such a thing. I really do love this girl, Doc. Despite the fact that it’s only been two months, we’ve spent lots of great time together and she has treated me better than any girl I’ve ever been with.
Your opinion and time is appreciated. Again, loved the website and I look forward to hearing what you have to say.
Kirk – who wants to know if he’s being over-cautious
Your problem isn’t saying “I love you,” or the fact that Gloria comes from the so-called “wrong side of the tracks” -- your problem is that you’re seeing entirely too much of her.
Now, on the other hand, if you’d been going out with Gloria for six months, everything you’re doing now would be just about fine. But what you should be doing after six months, you’re already doing after only two months. You’re getting way ahead of yourself. So the way I see it, you’re already “anti-Challenge” by a good four months. You’re giving too much of yourself away to this girl. What’s the hurry, Kirk? You should be spoon-feeding yourself with Gloria instead of gorging yourself on her. Know what happens when you eat an entire gallon of Ben and Jerry’s cherry vanilla ice cream in one sitting? You get sick to your stomach.
It doesn’t bother me that Gloria’s got a “hard edge” in public; as long as you’re not Arnold Schwarzenegger running for the governorship of California or in the field of public relations, you’re going to be okay with her. If, as you say, she takes off her armor for you, and she’s a flexible giver – and from what you tell me she sounds like one -- then you can live with her tough public persona. Besides, when you tell me she’s “hard,” you’re giving me a generality -- and generalities don’t work when it comes to the principles of “The System.” These techniques demand specifics, clues, which lead to hard evidence. Let’s not condemn Gloria before we have something really solid to go on.
Now of course that “negative effect down the road” you’re afraid of is certainly a possibility. But you wouldn’t have to fear it so much if you slowed down and took your time with Gloria. If you date her for a year and a half and she’s perfectly well-behaved with all your friends and at social affairs, then what’s the problem? “The System” says you have to get the first nine dates in – that’s your beachhead, and then you go out with her for another year and a half. After seventeen or eighteen months, she’ll be asking you to buy her an engagement ring. As far as the “I love you’s” go, you utter that phrase to a woman for the first time when she asks “Will you marry me?” Then you can finally say “I love you.” And that will be the first time you say it.
Kirk, as my cousin “Fast Eddie” Love would advise, you have to yank on the reins and yell out “WHOA…!” You’re going way too fast, buddy, for such a short time together.
Remember, guys: anybody can be nice for two months.
To send me your love questions or to find out more about “The System,” visit me at http://www.doclove.com or call (800) 404-2644.
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, “Why do you stay with one man versus another?”
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