Doc Love Dating Advice
CAN YOU EVER PRESSURE A WOMAN INTO LOVING YOU?
Women Don't Lie - Men Don't Listen
Success Coach - Doc Love
Dear Doc Love,
I wanted to tell you that you have yet another woman in your corner. Your advice is great. At first I was put off by the somewhat negative tone. It seemed rather combative, but now I can appreciate your directness and humor. I have referred several of my guy friends to your articles. A few have even purchased “The System.”
I am writing to you because I wanted to say that the problem of "needy men" needs more discussion. I don't think that guys are getting the picture. No man wants to admit he is needy, especially if he has a very macho profession, so he dismisses the problem as not being relevant to him.
I just broke off a year-long relationship with a highly decorated former Navy SEAL because he was simply too needy and insecure. We met via a matchmaking service on the Internet. We spent several months talking on the phone and e-mailing before we met in person. (We live very far away from each other.)
I ignored a few obvious "red flags" in the beginning. He told me that he loved me and thought we were soul mates before we ever met in person. We talked on the phone every day for hours upon hours. At first I found this to be really romantic. I loved it. My friends warned me that this was largely fantasy, but I really wanted to believe that I had finally found "the one."
Several weeks later, when we finally met in person, it was very difficult for me to fuse the "fantasy phone man" with the real person in front of me. He expected a grand romance, an instant physical connection. I was just getting used to the reality that there was this stranger in front of me that I knew only by phone.
I was only somewhat attracted to him physically, but I liked him so much over the phone that I hoped he would grow on me. He immediately sensed that I was pulling back. Rather than let me process this new dynamic, he hounded me for daily affirmations of my love for him. He would pout if I did not sound totally enthusiastic to hear from him after his 5th telephone call in one day. I told him that I felt that we were going too fast and that I needed time for my feelings to catch up.
He didn't understand that I could love him as a person (based upon our hundreds of phone hours), but not feel "in love" yet. I tried to help him understand. I sent him links to your articles...to get some clues about the negative effects of saying "I love you" too much and being too needy. That backfired big time. He just got offended and more hurt.
We visited each other every other month. Each time I tried my best to fall in love with him...but something was missing. He would talk excitedly about marriage and children with me and I would try to share that vision, but I just didn't feel it. Finally I could not take it any more and broke up with him.
He told me that I ruined his life and that I am a horrible person for having led him on. He then continued to call me every day, begging to get back together. He sent pleading e-mails to my family. He sent gifts. He then said that if he couldn't be my boyfriend that he wanted to still be my best friend and talk to me every day.
He then accused me of not wanting a "nice guy" and that I must really want a jerk. That is so untrue. I gave him the benefit of the doubt so many times because I liked the fact that he was nice. But his "niceness" turned into desperation. Ugh. I finally had to block him. I feel like I hung in there much longer than most women would. I really gave him my best shot. What else could I have done?
Lucida – who would love to hear your thoughts, Doc
Great letter. Thank you.
You’ve brought to light something very important. A guy can be as tough as a tank on the outside and still be a lost little whimpering boy on the inside. Think of the strength, the discipline, the stamina and the endurance required of a man to become a Navy Seal. It’s extraordinary. I mean you have to be one tough, almost superhuman mofo to make it. Only a very, very small percentage of men have what it takes. Most of us guys wouldn’t get past the first orientation meeting. More than half of those who even get to try to become a Seal, scrub out before they make the grade.
So here’s a guy with all that strength and all those survival and combat skills and he’s completely lost and useless when it comes to courtship. He’s a winner on the battlefield but a total loser in love. But just as he was able to become an extremely competent, highly skilled soldier by undergoing proper training, so too can he become equally successful in love.
There is one place where men can come for the intensive training in deportment and courtship skills necessary to gain mastery in love relationships. That place is known as “Doc Love’s Boot Camp for seekers of truth – leave your ego at the door.”
Bless you, Lucinda, for your kind and courageous gesture of trying to acquaint this guy with “The System.” Unfortunately, it seems, at least for now, that he’s not ready to change. He’s un-coachable. He had the ball in his hand but he fumbled it, on purpose! My bible totin’ Uncle Jethro Love would say, Lucinda, that you were “Casting your pearls before swine.” But let’s not be too harsh on him. He may redeem himself someday. Never say never.
Still, I must point out that this dude was really blowing it with you from the get-go. Before he had even met you in person he was telling you he loved you and was declaring you to be his soul mate. Geesh! He was in such a rush to seal the deal I’m surprised he didn’t propose marriage over the phone as well. Why wait? And of course, as all serious students of “The System” can see, he was spending way, way, way too much time on the phone talking with you. He was about as much of a Challenge as a tennis match with a four-year-old.
Lucinda, you could have avoided this disaster if you had listened to your own inner womanly wisdom that was speaking to you. Be honest with yourself. When Mr. War Hero raised those red flags that you mentioned, you knew right then and there, in your heart of hearts that this puppy wasn’t going to fly. You were in love with the idea of being in love but not with the man himself. You should have cut him loose while your relationship with him was merely telephonic. Instead you drew it out; and things, as you might have expected if you were being objective, got ugly.
I could end the analysis of this fiasco right here, but for the sake of decency, I have to berate this guy about one other thing. He deserves it.
First he’s so cloying and obnoxious that he leaves you no alternative but to break up with him. Then he accuses you of ruining his life and hounds you with phone calls begging you to get back together with him?! He even sends pleading e-mails to your family! Classless moron! He’s truly a lost soul. You can bet, as sure as Jimmy Dean loves pork sausage, that this loser will be repeating the same mistakes with his next love interest. Let’s all pray for him. (I’m serious.)
Next time around, Lucinda, be true to your inner wisdom and weed out the needy boys before you get involved with another one of them.
Remember, guys: neediness is unmanly.
To send me your love questions or to find out more about “The System,” visit me at http://www.doclove.com or call (800) 404-2644.
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, “Why do you stay with one man versus another?”
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