Doc Love Dating Advice
SHOULD YOU EVER GIVE A WOMAN EVERYTHING SHE WANTS?
Women Don't Lie - Men Don't Listen
Success Coach - Doc Love
Dear Doc Love,
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years. He’s a great guy, very loving, respectful and affectionate and and he’s funnier than Jim Carey. He has also been a longtime practitioner of “The System” since before we met and can frequently be found sharing Doc Love'isms with guys who are struggling to make and keep a love connection. So I'm pretty familiar with your philosophy and am writing to share an insight about one of its principles.
"Women love a Challenge" seems to be at the heart of your love advice, and with that in mind, you advise men to refrain from expressions of praise or love in the early stages of a relationship. I agree, to a large degree. If a man who has only known me for a short time rhapsodizes about my beauty and professes his undying love, I feel like I'm being conned. He obviously hasn't known me long enough to truly love and appreciate me.
But once a relationship moves beyond dating into committed, long-term status, the dynamics on how and what to verbalize to a woman change BIG TIME. This is the crux of what I'd like to pass onto your readers who are interested in KEEPING the woman they may have initially attracted.
So listen up guys. What I'm about to share is actually a revelation for me as well. Because, guess what? You aren't alone in feeling you don't understand women. We women are often just as mystified about our needs as you are. It's taken me many years to fathom the primal wants of my womanhood.
Here is a simple truth I've discovered about women that, if practiced, will keep the romance alive and well for many years to come: Women respond very powerfully to sincere, specific verbal expressions of love, appreciation and desire. Why? Because women tend to be REFLECTIVE. Whatever you focus on and express to her, she will mirror back to you and become more of.
For instance, the more you see her special beauty, appreciate it and express it to her, the more beautiful she will become. The more you appreciate and express how sexy and desirable she is, the more passionate and desirable she will become. The more you acknowledge her special qualities, the more those qualities will magnify and bless your life.
When you SPEAK your appreciation to a woman, it becomes more real and alive to her. The way to a woman's heart may very well be through her EARS! And also her skin. CONNECT with her when you are speaking. Rather than a peck on the cheek and a quick "love you" as you walk out the door, hold her and look into her eyes when you say “I Love You.” Also, be SPECIFIC. Tell her how you love the curve of her hips, how her waist feels under your hands, how lovely she looks in blue.
And one last tip: The written word carries extra voltage for a woman. Most women I know would rather receive a page of love poetry written by her man, or a card with a paragraph of hand written appreciation than she would a diamond necklace.
In short, verbally EXPRESS your love, (in addition to all the wonderful ways that you already DEMONSTRATE love), with sincerity, sensuality and specificity, and you will have a glowing, giving goddess gracing your life.
Caprice – who loves sweet nothings
Great letter. And congratulations, you have the good fortune to be in a relationship with a man who religiously practices “The System.” A man who is confident, takes charge, gives you plenty of affection and keeps you laughing to boot. A real man who is neither a wimp nor a macho boy.
Most women have to compromise when they pick a partner. They have to choose between a guy who is either strong but has little or no sensitivity OR, a guy who is sensitive and affectionate but is lacking testosterone. But because you’re in a relationship with one of my boys, you get the best of both worlds. Lucky you!
Since you’ve taken the time and effort to write to me about a woman’s need for verbal acknowledgement, it must be an issue for you in your own relationship, Caprice. Your boyfriend believes in Challenge so strongly because he knows that it was a major factor in his successfully capturing your heart. Understandably, he is probably thinking, “Why should I become less of a Challenge by getting all mushy? Being a Challenge is what got me to where I am today: in a relationship with an incredible woman.”
But, as a student of “The System”, he should also know that in order to keep you over the long haul, he must provide you with respect, affection and romance. Apparently you’re getting plenty of affection and respect from him, but not the exact form of romance that you require in order to be deliriously happy in your relationship.
Your guy needs to gain a better understanding of what romance means to you. It sounds to me as if he is consistently demonstrating his love for you with his actions but he might be deficient in the verbal expression department. If he’s hasn’t been, he should be complimenting you and verbally acknowledging you on a regular basis, just as you should be doing the same for him.
He should be surprising you with thoughtful little love notes or poems every once in a while. (As long as he does those kinds of things for you less often than you do them for him. If he started doing them for you more often than you do them for him, then he wouldn’t be a Challenge and your Interest Level in him would begin to diminish. On the other hand, If he’s never doing any of that for you, then he’s not following “The System” completely.)
And as far as the “I love you’s” go, your man should be periodically telling you that he loves you. A woman does need to hear those words from her man. It’s an essential part of the romantic experience. But once again, he should be saying that to you less often than you say it to him. And, he certainly should never be parroting it back to you whenever you say it to him. That’s not romantic!
Overall, your boyfriend, Caprice, must keep in mind that a man should never give a woman EVERYTHING she wants because doing that will leave her with nothing else to discover, nothing to chase, no mystery. If you don’t believe what I’m saying just ask the average divorced guy why his wife left him and he’ll tell you, “I don’t know what happened, I gave her everything she asked for!”
So you see Caprice, in one sense, it’s good that you’re slightly frustrated. The challenge for your man is to find that perfect balance between giving and holding back so that you are feeling cherished and adored and yet still not COMPLETELY fulfilled. Even though this might not make sense to you, (as you mentioned, women have difficulty understanding themselves) this is what’s going to keep your Interest Level sky high over the long haul.
Words are powerful and romantic words, when used with discretion, can certainly enhance intimacy. The key is to never use flowery or sensual verbiage to try to raise a woman’s Interest Level. Use it only when her Interest Level is already off the charts. Then your words become a love offering rather than an appeal for approval.
Remember, guys: there’s a reason why women swoon over “the strong silent type.”
To send me your love questions or to find out more about “The System,” visit me at http://www.doclove.com or call (800) 404-2644.
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, “Why do you stay with one man versus another?”
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