Doc Love Dating Advice

                    Women Don’t Lie - Men Don’t Listen
                           Success Coach - Doc Love

Hey Doc,

I started seeing Dana two months ago, which was about six months after her ex, walked out on her and their baby. When it first started we were just friends, and eventually it turned into something that I would like to see go somewhere. Dana is a sweetheart and genuinely cares about me, and tells me that she wants to be with me. Since she has a young child I have accepted the fact that I will always be number two in her life, but that doesn’t bother me at all.

Now here’s the problem. Two weeks ago we were out on a date and her ex, who I’ll call Johnny, started calling her on her cell phone and telling her how much he missed her, how he couldn’t live without her, and how he needed her back. This really upset me because our night started off great, but then I could see that these calls were wearing on her. Since then he’s been calling her 30 to 40 times per day, telling her the same things, and acting like a selfish jackass. It’s gotten so bad at her job that last week her boss told her she couldn’t come back to work until she got a restraining order on him, which she did.

Doc, this is what it’s come down to. Dana’s ex has somehow gotten my phone number, and he leaves me messages about how his family is all he has left and he has nothing else in his life. This guy uses drugs and has no job, to boot. Frankly, I feel somewhat sorry for him. If he wasn’t bugging me so much, I’d really feel sorry for him.

So basically my question is, how I can go about letting Dana know that she needs to make a decision to choose me or him, without pushing her away? Their child seems to be the glue that keeps this absurd situation going. This is something that I have thought about a lot, as our relationship has progressed and I am at a loss for what I should do.

Thanks in advance for your thoughts.

Blackie - who’s afraid of pushing too hard

Hi Blackie,

Dana’s kid’s got some daddy. Here’s a man who walks out of his house and leaves his baby, who he allegedly loves, behind -- and I’m not talking about the older one. Wow, what a guy.

We know that you want to see this relationship go somewhere, Blackie, but the problem is that we don’t care what you want. Like I’ve told you guys many, many times before, all we care about is what the girl thinks. What’s her Interest Level -- 95% or in the toilet? So merely by the fact that you brought this up I realize that you don’t know anything.

You can’t worry about being number two in Dana’s life. She’s not in love with her child. But like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “If you want to be romantically involved with this girl, you should leave her alone until her daughter is 18, then come back.”

Now let’s get into what’s happening. Dana respects and loves you so much she can’t bring herself to turn off her cell phone. Does this make any sense whatsoever? To you Psych majors, most men rationalize slights and putdowns.

But you’re selfless, Blackie. You’re upset because Johnny’s telephone calls were wearing poor Dana down. Dude, why aren’t they wearing you down? Not because of the fact that the calls were incoming, but because of the fact that she’s taking them, and it’s blowing your love life apart before it has the chance to get off the ground.

Now look at what Johnny is doing. He’s so bad (and remember, this is the father of Dana’s kid, the man she laid down with!) that he’s destroying her job. So here’s what you should be asking yourself: what was wrong with Dana that she found this turkey so attractive going in? Why’d she pick this loser in the first place? What’s her problem? And that’s what most men don’t ask. But I’m here to make you wake up and smell the jungle gardenias.

You’re mystified by how Dana’s ex got hold of your phone number. Blackie, how in the world do you think he got your phone number? Don’t you think maybe your girlfriend helped Johnny out? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Maybe she got so sick of listening to him that she told him to call you.”

When Dana’s ex told you that he had nothing left in the world without his wife and kid, you know what my cousin Fast Eddie Love would have said? “Give me your address, man. I’ll mail you a knife so you can commit hari-kari.”

So this boy is a dope head and has no job? Wow -- now I can see why Dana digs him so much and decided to carry his baby! That clears it all up! Now I get it! Like my cousin Reverend Love would say, “It’s a match made in Hell.”

But on a more serious note, you feel sorry for the poor chap. Blackie, you should feel sorry for yourself that you’re in love with someone, as the establishment would put it, who has “issues.” But no, you’re heart is bleeding for Johnny. Let me ask you a question: what does this have to do with Christmas?

Despite it all, you want Dana to decide about you one way or the other. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Never go out with someone who has more problems than you.” This girl is supposed to bring happy times and sanity into your existence and she’s bringing you nothing but TROUBLE. Her ex is going to come over to your house with six of his buddies and their aluminum bats and they’re going to lay a beating on your car, or worse – you. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Dog, she gave out your phone number to her ex. I’d hate to see what he’ll do when she gives him your address!”

There are some men who cannot handle women. Johnny-boy is one of them. When he makes calls to his ex to the point where her boss wants to let Dana go, there’s only one conclusion you can arrive at -- this guy’s a first-class wingding. But like I said earlier, Dana’s not without blame here, Blackie. Remember the old saying, “Water seeks its own level?”

Dana’s child is not keeping this absurd situation together. It’s the baby’s mother’s high Interest Level in this nut-case that keeps it alive.  

Want my advice? Like the old cowboy saying goes, “Grab the fastest horse in town and say ‘Adios!’”

Remember, guys: if her ex is stalking her, it’s best not to get involved.

To hear my LOVE RADIO SHOW, send me your love questions or to find out more about “The System,” visit me at or call (800) 404-2644. For the past 30 years Doc Love has asked thousands of women, “Why do you stay with one man versus another?”

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