Doc Love Dating Advice
DOES KID ROCK EVER DEAL WITH BAGGAGE?
Women Don’t Lie - Men Don’t Listen
Success Coach - Doc Love
What’s your opinion of “damaged goods?” I guess the smartest move is to never get involved in the first place, but what if you don’t know that
I dated Samantha, a great girl with some heavy baggage, for just over a year. She’s had some terrible things happen to her, and some of them involved me. (I won’t go into specifics because I know that your column is G-rated.)
Anyway, she kept waffling on our relationship, wanting it but unable to fully commit to it. Each time that happened I pulled back and told her to give me a call when she figured herself out. After a few days she would. This back- and-forth went on for a while. She would get really into it, talk about marriage, wanting to have kids, and all that stuff. But I wanted the
relationship to prove stable before I moved into any of those areas.
Finally things unraveled and I walked. I cut Samantha out of my life cold turkey. But she kept calling. I was heartless -- I just completely ignored her. After about five months we ran into each other, went for coffee, and rekindled it. I was still angry at her and wasn’t as kind as I should’ve been. She hung in, kept giving me gifts, and telling me she loved me.
Two weeks later I ran into Samantha at a party when she was with another guy. We talked a couple days later and she said that despite what some of her friends thought was best, she was choosing me. Here’s where I finally gave in. We spent a week together talking about the future and having kids and planning holidays, and then she called me, said she was scared, and that she couldn’t do it. She said she needed to get professional help for her head.
Doc, I don’t get it. I thought I was over Samantha and doing well, but I saw something in her recently that was better than before, and I really thought I could give it a shot. Is this just because I saw her with some other guy? Am I being an idiot? What’s my play here? I don’t want to open myself to getting punched in the gut, but I think about Samantha a lot and wonder if we should be together.
How can I keep things light and fun if there’s all this heavy baggage around? Should I just let Samantha go?
Rupert - who doesn’t know if he can go through it again
When you said it’s the “smartest move to not get involved in the first place,” it’s ironic that in practically the first line of your letter you have your answer for what to do. Amazing, isn’t it?
No one knows about all the baggage a woman is carrying going into a relationship. But if you’ve memorized my principles, you will recognize problems – RED FLAGS -- a lot sooner so you can get out quicker. To you Psych majors, make your mistakes quickly so you don’t waste your time down the line!
The point is this, pal. We’re all human beings, which means we’re not perfect. Everybody has scars. Everybody has baggage. But some people for some reason want to rub it in the face of their partner. And that’s the problem with heavy baggage – it keeps rearing its ugly head.
So you’ve got a “waffler” on your hands with Samantha. Let me ask you a question, my friend – do women with 95% Interest Level in a guy ever waffle? Talk about doublespeak!
When you told Samantha to call you when she figured herself out, you finally did something right. That was beautiful. It’s exactly what Humphrey Bogart would have done.
When she stopped calling you, though, it meant that she just finally got tired of harassing you. She didn’t really change her mind about her inconsistent feelings. This girl’s still nuts, man. When she goes back and forth with you like a yo-yo, why do you answer the phone? Even though she talks about all the right stuff, she’s a wacko. Hey, it makes a lot of sense that you wanted the relationship to be stable before you got into marriage, kids, etc. with this nutcase. Duh.
It was fantastic that you completely ignored Samantha after you cut her out of your life. But when you happen to run into each other, you can’t be going for coffee like a couple of old friends. Hanging out with a person who is poison for you is like giving a beer to a reformed alcoholic. And of course that was your blunder.
I’m sure Samantha loves you, Rupert. But her Interest Level only reaches 100% when you back off. Only when you’re a CHALLENGE does this girl go bananas for you. Which means you’re pressuring her whenever you go back to her. So you’re leaving out a big part of what’s going on here. When Samantha dangles a carrot in front of your nose, you don’t go back in slowly and cautiously, you BARGE back in like a fullback for the St. Louis Rams.
When you spotted Samantha with that other guy, you should have turned around and walked straight out of that joint. As soon as you set eyes on them, you should have left. And why in the world were you talking to her a couple days later? No communication, dude! Remember, you’ve moved to North Dakota. The FBI is hiding you. You’re in the Witness Protection Program. And this loony is talking to her girlfriends about you, to boot. What do they have to do with any of this?
You “finally” gave in at that point? Like my cousin General Love says, “If you were a country, soldier, there’d be no more ground left to surrender.”
Gee, I’m shocked that Samantha said she was scared and couldn’t go through with your mutual life plans. No, she protested, she needs a shrink. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “When a cuckoo tells you she’s cuckoo, you have to believe her!”
But after all this torture and torment, you insist you saw something better in Samantha this time around. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Boy, you gotta lay off the Wild Turkey!” You lost what little Self-Control you had left when you saw her with another guy, so that’s part of what’s drawing you back. As my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You were fantasizing about what they were doing in his car.”
Are you an idiot? I think that classification is too high for where you are on the Common Sense Scale. What’s your play here? There’s an old saying in sales: “When it’s too hot in the kitchen, get out.”
Don’t try and be a tough guy and hang in there, Rupert. Avoid this woman at all costs.
Let me tell you something. You’re going to get punched in the gut if you two should happen to get together. Right there you said it again yourself. You can’t keep it light and funny when there’s all this heavy baggage around.
And like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “You can’t let somebody go who’s already gone.”
Remember, guys: when you realize she’s a whack-job, take a hike.
To hear my LOVE RADIO SHOW, send me your love questions or to find out more about “The System,” visit me at www.doclove.com or call (800) 404-2644. For the past 30 years Doc Love has asked thousands of women, “Why do you stay with one man versus another?”
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