Doc Love Dating Advice
ONCE YOU’RE OUT YOU’RE OUT
Women Don't Lie - Men Don't Listen
Success Coach - Doc Love
A couple of months ago, before I was a student of "The System", I made the critical mistake of confessing my amorous feelings to a co-worker.
She initially suggested that we have lunch together and we went out to lunch several times. When we were together, she didn’t hesitate to reveal many personal things that I know she had not told others, so I thought she was wanting to get close to me. Then one day I told her that I felt very loving feelings for her.
The next day at a company get-together she completely ignored me the entire time. So at the end of the event I approached her and told her how much I had enjoyed spending time with her. I told her that if there was something I did wrong, to please tell me.
She denied that there was something wrong at first, but I insisted that she tell me because I didn’t believe her. After I PUSHED her to tell me she finally said that she was worried about the fact that she may have given me the “wrong impression” by being open with me and she was telling me this because we are such “good friends”.
When I was PUSHING her for the truth is when more gushings of my feelings for her came out. (If I had kept my trap shut, I am confident that things would be much different now.)
After this incident, I came across “The System”. I then poured on the Challenge and became “too busy” to hang out with her.
She then started spending a lot of time with another guy that works with us. I later found out that they were dating and she had insisted that they keep it a secret from co-workers.
The funny thing is that one would think that she would want to be alone with this guy, however, she would take the opportunity to invite me to join them and she would never make this offer to others. Of course, I would politely make up an excuse and decline.
Months have passed and I have watched this other guy do things to lower her Interest Level. This includes, catering to her every whim, sending her "thank you" e-mail with pictures of flowers and captions of "love", etc.
Whenever we talk at work she is extra friendly and she actually seems nervous around me. She also makes suggestions about having more lunches together, which I haven’t taken her up on yet.
My question to you is do you have any explanation for her behavior towards me? Usually when a girl wants to be "just friends" she is just saying that and would not care if the friendship continues. Also, I have never seen this level of nervousness in a woman that wants to be “just friends”. (If we had been "friends" I could understand this behavior however, I only knew her for less than a month before the "incident.")
I still have very strong feelings for her but I don’t feel like setting myself up for rejection again. I’m pretty sure she thinks of me only as a “friend.” But on the other hand, maybe I have a chance since I’ve been such a Challenge with her. What do you think Doc?
Monsoor – who is sold on “The System”
I’m glad that you’ve gotten ‘plugged in’ to ‘The System” and that you understand how and why you made the mistakes that you did with your co-worker. I can tell by your enthusiasm that you don’t need a big pep talk to motivate you to play it cool the next time you’re together with a girl you really like. You have a real appreciation of “The System” and its power, and that’s going to keep you on track in the future.
Now allow me to fine-tune your understanding of the events that transpired.
First of all, you made a naïve assumption when you decided that this gal had confided things to you that she hadn’t shared with anyone else. How could you be sure that that was true? How could you have possibly known whether or not she had recently poured her guts out to someone else, just as she had done with you? When you assumed that you were the only one, you were being run by your ego rather than being objective.
You further misinterpreted her behavior by assuming that she was confiding in you because she had romantic interest in you. It’s true that a woman will not bare her soul to a guy unless she feels very comfortable with him. And it’s important to always maintain a high level of comfort for the woman whom you’re courting. But here’s what you need to understand: High comfort level does not equal high romantic Interest Level.
A woman can feel so comfortable with you that she actually will confess things to you that she really, truly never has told anyone else, ever. (Sometimes you can wind up hearing more than you’d ever want or need to know.) And she can share all of that without having any physical or romantic attraction to you whatsoever. There are thousands of Teddy Bear guys out there who women regularly use as their therapists, who, sadly, will verify what I’ve just told you.
If your lovely co-worker had had high romantic interest in you, she would have been suggesting that the two of you have dinner together rather than only lunch. A woman with high Interest Level wouldn’t be happy going out only for lunch at work. As my cousin “Fast Eddie” Love would say, “When a chick is gone over you, she wants to be wined and dined.”
Later, when she invited you to come along on her lunch dates with that other guy, she was trying to use you as a buffer. Since she wanted to keep her affair a secret from her co-workers, it would have made things look much more innocent if she’d had a third party along. She needed a stooge and she nominated you. Pretty brutal, huh? (I doubt that any other love doctor on the planet would have called that one!)
The reason she acts nervous around you now is most likely that she has low self-esteem and she can’t handle the fact that you rejected her as a “friend.” Your rejection of her as a potential girlfriend has nothing to do with it. It’s just that she can’t stand not being liked by someone she sees a lot.
Looking back, as you know, you should never have spilled your guts out to her. And you could have easily tested her Interest Level and saved yourself from a lot of needles confusion, by asking her out for dinner. But asking her out now is pointless. Once you’re out, you’re out.
Fortunately, you have me as your coach now, and next time around you’ll do much better, Monsoor. Still, you can appreciate the fact that you’ve learned some valuable lessons from this experience.
Remember, guys: You only get one shot, so don’t blow it.
To send me your love questions or to find out more about “The System,” visit me at http://www.doclove.com or call (800) 404-2644.
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, “Why do you stay with one man versus another?”
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