Doc Love Dating Advice

            Women Donít Lie - Men Donít Listen
                Success Coach - Doc Love

Hey Doc,

I was involved in a relationship for four years with my ex, Terri. Things ended on a sour note, but I guess they always do, donít they?

What happened was that Terri cheated on me, so I put an end to it. I later found out that she also cheated on me another time as well. At the end, I was trying so hard to make it work that it was extremely tiring. Who wants to be in a relationship when your partner cheated on you, right?

About a month or so after our breakup I started to pick up some heavy vibes coming from one of our mutually close friends, Vanessa. Even when I was with my ex I always felt that Vanessa was interested in me, but I didnít feel right doing anything about it since she and my ex were tight friends.

Well, itís been about two months now and Iíve been seeing Vanessa occasionally. Sheís ready to move into a heavy relationship with me as soon as I say the word. Things couldnít be better between us, but the problem is that my ex has been calling me, telling me that she is sorry about what happened, that she never meant to hurt me and that she wants to work on being friends again so that we can be back to where we once were. She wants me to end things with Vanessa. To make it even more interesting, Vanessa wants me to stop talking to or seeing my ex.

Can it really work with someone who was a mutual friend of a guy and his ex-girlfriend? Or are there too many issues to ever make the transition smoothly? I have a lot of things in common with Vanessa, but my ex was a big part of me. On the other hand, why should I care about someone who nearly destroyed me?

If I let Vanessa go now, there might never be a chance of rekindling it with her. At the same time Iím concerned that our connections to my ex might be too much and her memory will be hovering over both of us forever.

Doc, what would you do if you were in my position?

Pepper - who doesnít know if he can overcome the past

Hi Pepper,

Itís interesting that you say things always end on a sour note because the goal of ďThe SystemĒ is to have a woman want to keep you for the rest of her life. And now that people are living into their seventies and eighties and nineties, thatís a very long time not to get bored to death with someone. To you Psych majors, you have to always be on top of your game if you expect to keep her in love with you forever and not end on a sour note at least once in your life.

Nevertheless, it was you who ended the relationship with Terri. Great. Perfect. According to my cousin Rabbi Love, ďYou did the right thing, my son. And I hope youíre dating lots of other women.Ē

So, your ex had more than one fling behind your back? Like my cousin Sal ďThe FishĒ Love says, ďIs this girl a community project or what?Ē

What were you trying to make work at the end? Your relationship with Terri is busted. There was nothing to make work. The contract between you and her is null and void. Itís finished. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, ďOnce the woman cheats, itís finito, bro.Ē But most guys are weak and will give her another shot at screwing with his head. For your sake I hope youíre not a Wimpus Americanus, Pepper.

Dude, Iím happy you picked up heavy vibes from Vanessa. You deserve something good after being betrayed by someone you trusted for years. As my cousin Fast Eddie Love would say, ďIsnít revenge sweet?Ē And she and your ex were as tight as twins? Thatís even more reason to go after Vanessa!

Pepper, itís not a problem at all that your ex is calling and begging to talk to you. Actually, itís predictable. Just donít pick the phone up and donít call her back. End of problem.

Remember, man, Terri is only telling you about two guys she fooled around with. Like my cousin General Love says, ďHopefully she wasnít playing with the entire battalion when you werenít looking.Ē

Vanessaís right. You shouldnít be talking to or seeing Terri. Sheís ancient history and sheís bad for your head. So make the break, Pepper. Tell your ex that Vanessa and you have something great going, that you donít want it messed with, and that you and she had a good run but itís over. Then itís thank you and goodbye.

But you have another problem here, buddy. You have to figure out how you turned your ex off. Because you donít want it to happen again. You have to figure out why Terri came to hate and resent you so much she couldnít wait to be with another man. Did you try to turn her into your mommy? How much of a Challenge were you, Pepper? Or were you smothering Terri like a blanket until she ran screaming into another manís arms?

Of course it can work out between you and Vanessa. Terri and she are squabbling over you because, as my book says, ďKitty Kats Kompete.Ē But there wonít be any problems with Vanessa as long as you keep her Interest Level up in the 90s like it is now. When she stops fawning over you, then youíre in trouble.

Your ex might have been a big part of you, but, as you just said, sheís your EX. As in ADIOS. As in OVER. As in DONE. It goes without saying that you donít want someone destroying you, but the better question is, why should you care about someone you canít trust?

So feel free to make a go of it with Vanessa, Pepper. Donít worry about whose ghost is hovering over you. Youíve been reading too many psychology books -- thatís your problem.

What would I do if I were in your position, pal? Iíd fall in love with Vanessa. But make sure you know what youíre doing this time around. Because you only get one shot.

Remember, guys: if she strays, donít give her a second chance to do it again.

To hear my LOVE RADIO SHOW, send me your love questions or to find out more about ďThe System,Ē visit me at or call (800) 404-2644. For the past 30 years Doc Love has asked thousands of women, ďWhy do you stay with one man versus another?Ē

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