Doc Love Dating Advice
ARE GUYS NAÏVE?
Women Don't Lie - Men Don't Listen
Success Coach - Doc Love
I must start by saying I love your articles. My problem is that I'm seeing a 19-year-old. I'm 27. We love each other very much, and have the same outlook on life. She went traveling for 3 months to Alaska, backpacking and hiking, which I totally supported, since I have traveled to almost all the continents.
I am a little worried, not because she was sharing a tent with two guys. I'm not jealous at all. During the trip she was allowed to come back to base after a two-month mark, during that time I had written to her she had also written to me, telling me how much she loves me. So after another month of no verbal communication, she came back and she called and said that she's changed so much, and that she now has a totally different outlook on life.
Now I don't know what that’s supposed to mean. She says that she's missing me and can't wait to see me and also that she loves me a lot. I am meeting her in a few weeks. She lives in the mid-west, and we are going to embark on a road trip together for 10 days! I would like to know how to handle the situation for her to get adjusted to me. I know that she will have changed.
I have plans for us to go to India, hiking the mountains in a couple of years, which she's not aware of yet. I also would like to add that the relationship before she left was solid as a rock. I may be just feeling funny but I guess I need some re-assurance in how to tackle the situation, since I've not seen her for just over 3 months, and she has to get back to reality. I love her very much and I know I can make this work. Any guidance you can give, Doc, would be great.
Thank you so much for listening.
John – who is feeling a little funny
Let me begin with this caveat. Most women who are between the ages of 18 and 22 are very fickle with their affections. They fall in and out of love at the drop of a hat. To make an emotional investment in a female who has such a lack of maturity and life experience is a risky proposition. At the tender age of 19, she’s got more oats to sew than Quaker’s.
But, John, you’ve not only been emotionally reckless, you’re also pathetically naïve. Your ‘true love’ has been sleeping with two guys in a tent for THREE MONTHS and you’re not concerned at all? Hey, I’ve got some extra Enron shares that I can sell you at a discounted price!
And another thing. Why weren’t you included in her Alaskan adventure? A girl who was truly in love with you and you alone, wouldn’t take off on a trip where she couldn’t even write to you for two months. She’d either take the trip with you or, she wouldn’t go. Three months in the wild is a long, long time, and, it’s an eternity to a 19-year-old. It would be impossible for a girl with true high Interest in you to tolerate being away from you for a quarter of a year.
And yes, what exactly was that supposed to mean when she told you that she now has “a totally different outlook on life”? After those words passed from her lips, you were left baffled and bemused. I’ll bet you’ve been ruminating over what she said ever since, imagining the best case scenario versus the worst case scenario.
But you could have avoided having to marinate in a stew of doubt and confusion. You could have instantly liberated yourself from limbo. How? By asking your girlfriend what she specifically meant when she said that she’s “changed so much.” In relationships, there’s a time to lay back and there’s a time to get aggressive and do some serious interrogating, like a cop from Internal Affairs. This was one of those times when you should have pinned your partner down, John.
Although you didn’t get an explanation out of your girlfriend, I’ll bet you a new pair of hiking boots that when she told you “I’ve changed so much”, that was Womanese for “One of my tent-mates has shown me what ‘The Call of the Wild’ really means.”
So before you start packin’ for your ten–day road trip, you must first get your Alaska lovin’ lassie on the phone and have a truth-telling session with her. You need to find out where her heart’s really at before you hit the road with her. She may indeed end up revealing that her feelings for you have changed and that she wants to “just be friends” now. Maybe not, but if that is the case, wouldn’t you rather know before you spend ten days and nights with her?
If she does insist on shifting your relationship to a platonic mode, I don’t recommend that you take that trip with her. Unless you’re up for a vacation filled with constant anguish.
Remember, guys: When they throw a zinger at you, you’ve got to call ‘em on it, right when it happens.
To send me your love questions or to find out more about “The System,” visit me at http://www.doclove.com or call (800) 404-2644.
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, “Why do you stay with one man versus another?”
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