Doc Love Dating Advice
DOES ALEC BALDWIN EVER FEEL LIKE BEING A WIMP?
Women Don’t Lie - Men Don’t Listen
Success Coach - Doc Love
I’ve been inspired to write to you after reading your columns, and I’m going to purchase “The System” right after I send this letter. Everything you say makes absolute sense to me. Not too long ago I came out of a four-year relationship, dumped by my very first “true love.” All of your concepts explain EXACTLY why it happened! I had become besotted and obsessed with my ex. My constant chasing had killed her Interest Level, but I was too blind to see it. In short, I was a complete wimp.
I met my current girlfriend, Sheena, four months ago. I hadn’t heard of your techniques then, but my tentative actions increased her Interest Level – I was being a Challenge without knowing it. On our first dates, I was light, funny and confident. I told Sheena I wasn’t sure about getting involved. This didn’t seem to discourage her – in fact, it made her want to get involved with me. She even asked if I wanted to go back to her place and I actually said, “No, I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”
After a few more dates, she was really into me. She asked if I would phone her and I said, “Don’t take it personally. I just don’t like the phone.” From then on, she phoned me and left message after message. When I saw her, she was all over me! I teased her that she loved me but was too embarrassed to admit it. Then one evening she actually told me that she did love me. I didn’t say it back and she asked why. I said, “When I tell you, I want to be absolutely sure.”
Now, four months later, I’ve fallen head over heels. I’m becoming a wimp again. I’ve bought Sheena gifts, written e-mails, and started nagging and begging. Then I found your articles. But I’m finding it hard to use your principles because I’ve fallen hard for this girl. Going back to being a Challenge is tougher than I thought. It was so much easier when I didn’t love her! Most of all, I always want to know what she’s doing. I get insecure, wondering what’s going on.
How can I get through each day at work without worrying constantly? Most of all, how can I manage my insecurity and anxiety because I want to be in touch with Sheena all the time?
Myles - who’s desperate not to be a wimp
Lots of guys, for one reason or another, will hang back with a girl, and they don’t know it but they’re being a Challenge. What they’re going to do -- hopefully -- is continue this behavior throughout the entire relationship.
Telling Sheena you weren’t sure about getting involved with her was good insofar as being a Challenge went. But there was nothing funny about the tactic. In fact, it was heavy-handed, and we always want to keep it light and funny. What if when she brought up the topic of long-term relationships you said, “I’d love to get married, but I’m already married.” Funny, right? With this technique you don’t answer her question dead on -- you sidestep it, and then you come right back with a dose of sarcasm.
And what you should have said when she asked you to go back to her place was “If I go home with you, do you promise to keep your hands to yourself?” And then flashed her your best Jack Nicholson grin.
Same thing with the telephone deal. The point is that when a woman hits you with a hard, tough question, you have to go straight into Jim Carrey mode. Or Robin Williams’s mode. Or Vince Vaughan mode. You should have said, “Listen, honey, I’ll tell you what. When I talk to you, I want to be able to look into those big, beautiful eyes of yours. I can’t see them over the telephone line. Just go along with me on this one thing, and I’ll do everything else in the relationship you want -- honest.”
But Sheena started calling you incessantly even if you don’t have a sense of humor. Fantastic, Myles! You got her going, man! And better yet, all this attention and interest is INCOMING! She was all over you? Even better! Sheena’s Interest Level is soaring around in the 90s. To you Psych majors, this is the way it’s supposed to be. But like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Now here’s the hard part – let’s see if she acts like that 30 years from now.”
You blew another opportunity to be a funny man when she asked why you wouldn’t say you loved her. Dude, that was the perfect invitation to come back with “Because I don’t believe in impersonating parrots!”
The problem now of course is that you’ve lost control of yourself, and your Interest Level is flirting with 90% if it’s not already there. The man’s Interest Level should stay between 80% and 89%. When it hits 90%, you poor schmucks start falling apart. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love would say, “Love is a drug!”
Now you’ve regressed all the way back to where you were when you got dumped by your ex. You’re nagging and begging and groveling. After the beating you took at the hands of your “one true love,” you’ve insisted on going back to that self-destructive behavior. So the obvious question is this: Why would you go against the principles that got you there, you dunce? No doubt Sheena is a double for Kate Bosworth, and this makes your condition even worse. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “If she looked like Oprah in the morning, it would be easy for you to be tough.”
Guy, let’s clear something up. It wasn’t easier for you to be a Challenge when you weren’t gaga over Sheena. That’s a half-truth. The reality is that it was so much easier to be in control when you were tentative.
Hey, if you want to know what this girl’s up to every minute, you should become a women’s prison guard. But needing to know where Sheena is every second of the day shows that you’re already gone whether or not you know it. Your Interest Level has gone wild. It’s well into the 90s. I don’t think there’s any hope for you. Like my cousin General Love would say, “We ought to just lower the flag to half-mast, get out the bugles and blow taps. This soldier has bitten the dust.”
How do you make it through the day without constantly worrying? You have to just suck it up, pal. Say to yourself “I have to drag my Interest Level back into the 80s and get realistic here. Because I’m not the guy Sheena fell in love with. I can’t completely throw my Self-Control away over some 95-pound girl.”
How can you manage your insecurity and anxiety? Have you thought about Quaaludes? (I’m kidding!)
Remember, guys: the principles that catch her, keep her.
To hear my LOVE RADIO SHOW, send me your love questions or to find out more about “The System,” visit me at www.doclove.com or call (800) 404-2644. For the past 30 years Doc Love has asked thousands of women, “Why do you stay with one man versus another?”
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