Doc Love Dating Advice
DID NICK NOTICE CHANGES IN JESSICA BEFORE SHE DUMPED HIM?
Women Don’t Lie - Men Don’t Listen
Success Coach - Doc Love
My wife of five years, Cassia, and I recently separated, with plans for a divorce. We have had our ups and downs, mainly due to financial problems with neither of us budgeting well. We also have a two-year-old daughter.
About six months ago, I noticed something different about Cassia. She changed her clothing (more sexy), eye color (contacts), and hairstyle (again, more sexy). I thought nothing of it at first, but there was more distance between us. She wanted to go clubbing with her new female friend from work every weekend instead of being at home. Then I discovered text messages that I found out later were between her and an ex-boyfriend. She said they were just friends, but when I mentioned the messages she reacted very angrily. She lied three different times about who this “other man” was, and now says she made it all up to make me angry.
Now she says that when we met she thought she was marriage material, but she wasn’t in reality. She accused me of tricking her into marriage even though at the time I felt that she (along with her mother) pressured me. She says now that her true personality is one that only wants to date different guys. She also says she’s sorry she had to get married and have a child to realize this.
Cassia moved out two weeks ago and I’ve not called her since. She has called me three or four times to “chat.” One of those calls was at two in the morning. She said she was upset I hadn’t called to “check on her.” I said I didn’t think it was necessary because we agreed it was over between us. I think she gets frustrated because I act indifferent when she calls. She also asks if I’m seeing anyone and drills me about my personal life. I think she’s shocked because I have not come pleading or begging for her to come back. It may just be her ego making her call when she doesn’t hear from me. I have not once even asked about the other man, if there is one.
Doc, am I being too indifferent to Cassia, even though we have a daughter together? I know the fact that we have a child changes things because we have to speak to each other about her. Also, should I give the two of us another try in the future?
Shel - who’s tempted to give it another go
I hate to break this to you, but your impending divorce isn’t completely on account of financial ineptitude. But you and Cassia are the typical Americans. You’re the folks who don’t save anything, you’re deep into credit card debt to the tune of 18 to 25 grand, and you have to figure out a way to stay in love with each other. But when there’s no food on the table, Interest Level goes down. To you Psych majors, you have to very careful with your money.
At first, the vast majority of guys think nothing of the changes their women make right under their noses. If they pick up anything at all, most of them think: “Oh, great -- she’s falling back in love with me!” Here she’s undergoing a complete makeover from Plain Jane to Jessica Alba, and it doesn’t even make them blink. Like my cousin Doctor Freud once said, “You know what’s great about men? They’re so observant!”
Now just imagine…all kinds of guys are dancing slow with Cassia, rubbing their bodies up against her, breathing and sweating all over her -- and she wants to keep boogeying with them! To boot, she’s text-messaging with her ex. In other words, she’s out partying with the football team, plus she’s giving false hope to her last boyfriend! Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Hey, this girl really loves you, I can tell.”
Shel, when Cassia said her ex was just a friend, notice she didn’t say “male” friend. She happened to leave that word conveniently out. In other words, she told you three lies, and then she tried to sell you on the fairytale that it was all on purpose just to make you angry. But why did she want to make you angry? You should have asked her that question. But we already know why she wanted to tick you off. Because then it would be easier for her to leave – but in this case it looks like she never loved you in the first place.
When Cassia said she wasn’t marriage material, do you know what that meant? Like I say in the Dating Dictionary, 25% of all women who get married do it with an Interest Level of only 40%-49%. And now you two are blaming each other for the fix you’re in. Isn’t it funny when you go to court how you hear two sides of the same story and one side sounds nothing like the other? This is the same thing. What a mess, dude. I hope you’re reading my book every night.
When Cassia revealed her “true” personality to you, you should have asked her how many dates with men she needed per night. When she told you she was sorry about having to have a child to arrive at her realization, it wasn’t even Womanese anymore. It was way beyond Womanese. She was into a different territory altogether. She must really dig you, Shel.
Let me ask you this question: why do you pick up the phone at two in the morning when Cassia calls? Why don’t you let her babble to the answering machine? That’s what they’re for, don’t forget. Let her chatter away there. Then erase the message the next morning -- don’t even listen to it. Haven’t you heard enough from this prize already?
But then I can understand why Cassia’s upset, pal. Why should you be miffed that she’s seeing the ex behind your back and doing full body rubs at the local disco with all those lounge lizards? Heck, you should be calling her up and pleading with her to see you. I can’t believe how selfish you are!
But seriously, you should tell your wife how consumed you are with your wonderful, fantastic life when she tries to get in touch. “I’m really tied up, honey. I’m having a little party over here. So get back to me later, okay?” That’s what you tell her.
What makes you beautiful, Shel, is that you are acting indifferent to Cassia. Five years in, and you don’t call her. You know how many guys wouldn’t have the Self-Control to do that? Like my cousin General Love says, “Soldier, you deserve the Medal of Honor!”
When Cassia demands details about your personal life, tell her “They’re holding a Playmate shoot in the bathroom right now. In fact, Hef’s coming over to introduce himself.”
You hit it right on the head, buddy -- women simply can’t believe that they can dump a man and he’s actually surviving. Here she blows the guy off, his heart is broken, he’s got this terrible emptiness engulfing his stomach, he can’t eat, he’s losing weight, and he’s fighting with his boss, all over this 105-pound girl. But not you. Good for you, Shel.
And it’s great that you’re not talking about the other guys. Yes, it is just Cassia’s ego that’s bruised by your refusal to cave in and turn into a basket case when she tramples on you. When any other woman’s Interest Level drops from 51% to 49%, you’re supposed to beg. And that abject whimpering and whining will drive her Interest Level from 49% to 40%. Then, when she hooks up with the latest new guy, it will drop further, to 39%, and you’re out. That’s the way it works. In your case, Cassia moved out.
But Shel, you’re different. You’re doing everything right. You’re not giving Cassia the satisfaction and you’re keeping your dignity intact. When you’re around her with your daughter, be very, very affectionate toward your wife. Then grab the kid and head to Disneyland.
You’ll have to remain cordial with Cassia because of your child, but do it expeditiously. Talking about the kid is okay, but other than that, you’re getting off the phone. When she says she wants to talk about something else, tell her “Babe, you got 30 seconds. I’m a real busy man.” Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “Let her walk around wondering what you’re so busy with.”
But after all the torture you suffered at the hands of this wench, you’re thinking of getting back together with her. Shel, your wife never dug you from the beginning, so there’s nothing to go back to.
Remember, guys: make sure she’s deeply in love with you when you marry her.
To hear my CALL-IN RADIO SHOW, send me your love questions or to find out more about “The System,” visit me at http://www.doclove.com or call (800) 404-2644. Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, “Why do you stay with one man versus another?”
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