Doc Love Dating Advice
DOES JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE EVER HAVE TROUBLE WITH HER ROOMMATE?
Women Don’t Lie - Men Don’t Listen
Success Coach - Doc Love
I’ve read your columns for a while, and just recently purchased your book.
Thanks to your techniques, I hooked Vanessa and we’ve been together for over a year now. We love each other, Doc, and for the most part the relationship has been fine. Vanessa is Beautiful, Self-Reliant, and has a good overall attitude. So far, so good.
Our biggest sticking point is her best friend and roommate. This girl is always whispering dirty little things to Vanessa and tries to break us up so that she can have my girl all to herself. My problem is that Vanessa stays friends with her. For instance, the roommate couldn’t pay her share of the rent once, so she moved in with her boyfriend, and then, when they broke up, she moved back, without ever paying for the month she missed. THE WORST PART IS VANESSA LET IT HAPPEN!
This is the sort of thing that happens all the time. Vanessa is just too soft a touch. Doc, I would love to neutralize this situation somehow without having to take out a contract. It seems like this issue will eventually come between Vanessa and me, and it keeps me feeling really insecure about our whole relationship.
One other thing. Sometimes Vanessa is very flakey with me. When she’s around, she shows 90% Interest Level in me, but when she’s not, it can be like pulling teeth trying to get her to hang out. Still, she calls me most of the time. This has been the pattern throughout our entire relationship.
Doc, what do you make of it? It’s possible that I am too available because whenever Vanessa calls I answer (but I keep the conversations short). Should I cut back on my availability? Will that set her straight? What do I have to do to get rid of the leech who’s sucking the blood out of my girl and get more power in this relationship?
Tiki - who feels like he’s fighting a war
There’s really only one thing you can do when you have to deal with Vanessa’s roommate from hell. Go with the flow and defuse the situation with humor. What have I always told you guys? Keep it light, keep it funny. Like Doctor Freud once said, “Can you imagine Cary Grant getting bent out of shape over some babe’s ditzy friend?”
So let’s say the roommate hisses to Vanessa, “I don’t know why you like this guy. He’s not even that attractive.” You come back with this to your girl: “Hey, baby, when I look in the mirror I see the spitting image of Quasimodo – I don’t know what she’s talking about!”
Or if she whispers behind your back, “Vanessa, why do you even go out with Tiki? He’s never going anywhere in life,” you shoot back: “Are you kidding? I’m planning on collecting unemployment the rest of my life and sleeping under the freeway. If that’s not going places, I don’t know what is!”
The point is to let the nasty stuff roll off you like water off a duck’s back. Make a joke of it. If you give no resistance, the roommate has no target to fire at. It’s one of the oldest tricks in the world.
And for now, at least, you don’t have much choice, Tiki. Vanessa likes this gal-pal of hers. As the Reality Factor says, you have to come to grips with it instead of fighting it. She’s not going to get rid of her, no matter what you say. To boot, they live together. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love puts it, “You gotta be slick to outwit them.”
Now, I just can’t believe that Vanessa’s roommate would skip on the rent. Impossible! I find it hard to accept that any woman would pull such a sleazy ruse! Why, it must be the first time in recorded history that a female used someone!
But of course you know why that happened -- because your girlfriend’s an easy touch. The good parts of Vanessa are that she’s sweet and naïve and a Giver. The bad part is that she can’t tell a good person from a user. But is that the worst thing in the world, Tiki? Better to have a woman with a good heart than…well, than someone like her roommate.
So, a soft touch is what you’re going to marry. Everything else about this girl is awesome, right? Can you learn to live with her one flaw if the rest of her is perfect and she’s Beautiful? That’s what you have to ask yourself. And that’s what “The System” is all about: finding out who the girl really is and whether or not you can put up with her.
But remember this. When Vanessa marries you, she’s not going to be living with the dreaded roommate anymore. If she wants to go out with her girlfriends, fine. If she wants to have the roommate over for a cup of tea and crumpets, go and have a beer with your buddies. Get out of the house for a couple of hours.
You’re going to have to work with this situation, that’s the point here, buddy. If Vanessa wants to keep this thief as a personal friend until she gets screwed over again, fine. Just don’t let the roommate take you out. Like my cousin General Love says, “Boys, never take a bullet indirectly.” And when Vanessa brings it up, tell her, “You know I really like this roommate of yours, honey. You should have another girlfriend like her.” Then walk around the block and bang your head against a brick wall. Just don’t do it in front of her, like Macho Boy would.
Tiki, if you wiped this infernal roommate off the face of the planet, you’d end up paying an even heavier price than you’re paying now. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Your girlfriend would visit you three or four times in jail, then she’d run off with the prison guard. And if not him, then another jailbird when he gets out on parole.” You’re not going to hold onto Vanessa by blowing her roommate away, man. So taking out a contract is out of the question.
Your girl has been all over you for a year and she’s great. She just happens to have horrible taste in girlfriends. You’re going to learn to live with it or you’re going to have to walk. But like my cousin Rabbi Love once said, “When you find the next girl, you’ll have something else to kvetch about.”
If you’re pulling teeth to get Vanessa to hang out with you, then you’re begging, my friend. When she calls you up, let her ask you out. If she doesn’t ask you out within five minutes, tell her you’re busy and you’ll talk to her later. Then wait until she begs you to go out.
And if this babe calls you most of the time, Tiki, you’ve already got the battle almost won. Force her to call you ALL of the time by staying off the phone and not phoning her. That way her attention is always incoming, and her Interest Level will go up via CHALLENGE.
The way it is now, of course, you hop to whenever Vanessa calls. You’re like a paramedic -- on duty 24 hours a day. The only difference between you and them is that you’re on duty seven days a week, too. Paramedics get three days off.
So yes, cutting back on your availability will set Vanessa straight. And there’s one surefire way of claiming power in your relationship: by building up the roommate to your girlfriend. To you Psych majors, it’s called reverse psychology.
Remember, guys: there’s no such thing as a clean deal.
To hear my CALL-IN RADIO SHOW, send me your love questions or to find out more about “The System,” visit me at http://www.doclove.com or call (800) 404-2644. Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, “Why do you stay with one man versus another?”
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