Doc Love Dating Advice
WOULD 50 CENT GIVE HER A SECOND CHANCE TO SHOW UP?
Women Don’t Lie - Men Don’t Listen
Success Coach - Doc Love
I’m looking for some advice regarding whether or not I should give a woman a second chance to make a first impression after I was stood up on our very first date.
I met Pamela on Match.com. When I told (not asked) her that she should join me on Thursday evening at a local brewery and then come along to see a new exhibit at an art gallery, she said she loved the idea and the direct approach I used with her to set precise plans. (All of this was accomplished via e-mail; I was waiting to meet Pamela face to face before asking for her home telephone number.)
A couple of days later Pamela learned that she’d landed a prime apartment and would need to begin packing for the move to her new place. She asked
if we could change our date to a week later, and I agreed to her counteroffer.
To make a long story short, she was a no-show for the make-up date. I e-mailed her the next morning, told her how disappointed I was and that I was looking for a woman who demonstrates Integrity when it comes to keeping her commitments. A woman who truly possesses class and consideration would have either kept our commitment to meet, or let me know she wasn’t interested.
Here’s what she wrote back: “Oh my god, I am so incredibly sorry! You know I just moved and everything is scattered this week. I have never stood up a human being in my entire life and would never intentionally do so. I cannot apologize enough, or stress enough how sincere my regrets are. If you can forgive me, I’d love to make it up to you.”
Doc, intuitively, I’m done with this woman. Here are some key reasons why: 1) There is no specific reason given for her oversight, other than to say, “everything is scattered this week.” 2) I’m assuming Pamela has an electronic paper trail of our communiqués sitting in her inbox that could easily act as a set of reminders for our date. 3) Pamela says she’d “love to make it up to me,” but makes no commitment towards specifics or how she plans to do so. Wouldn’t a woman of true class and consideration put some effort into helping me forgive her via a new set of date plans? 4) As you say, a woman with a high Interest Level doesn’t forget a date with a man she’s keenly interested in meeting, right?
Doc, do I give Pamela a second chance?
Anderson - who would rather not get burned again
Let me ask you a question. Was the city working on sewers the day you got stood up by Pamela? Maybe they forgot to put up a MEN AT WORK sign and the poor girl fell into an open manhole, thereby rendering her unable to make your date. Right. But the odds of that happening were better than a girl with high Interest Level breaking a date.
When Pamela paid you a compliment on your date-planning ability, it was a red flag if I ever saw one. As the old saying goes, “Beware of Greeks bearing gifts.” Some women will compliment you when they have low Interest Level. It’s a purely off-the-cuff remark that has no basis in reality. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “She’s softening you up for what she’s going to pull on you later.”
Going for her phone number when you were face to face with Pamela was certainly the right idea, except that you missed one crucial step, my friend. You were supposed to do Starbucks with her first before dragging her out to paint the town. Anderson, you had no time in with this girl. Not even one second. You didn’t meet her at a business convention and talk to her for 45 minutes over coffee, or go out to lunch with her before asking for the home phone number. You had nothing. Like my cousin General Love says, “You committed the fatal error of counting your chickens before they hatched.”
Now think about what happened next. Pamela would rather pack dusty old books in boxes than be with a man she’s supposedly going to be in love with. She’d rather wrap up her kitchen utensils than spend time with the man she would want to be the father of her kids.
So now this girl has stood you up a second time. Let’s set our egos aside if we can and ask ourselves a question. As my cousin Fast Eddie Love puts it, “Would a nice girl with high Interest Level screw me over twice?”
After that humiliation you needed to lash out, and so you jumped all over Pamela with your disappointment over her lack of Integrity. Anderson, if this girl had high Interest Level, it would have been okay to do that because it would have hurt her and she would then have had to think about changing her behavior. But this girl had already written you off. In fact, since you never went out with her, you weren’t even in a position to get written off! You were actually written off the second she said “Sure, I’ll meet you at the brewery!” There’s absolutely no evidence whatsoever that Pamela ever once said to herself, “You know what, I can’t wait to meet this guy!” Instead of telling her what you wanted in a woman, you’d have been better off taking a picture down and talking to the wall.
It’s true that a woman of class would have kept her commitment to meet you, but you’re wrong about the second part. A woman is the unlikeliest creature in the world to come right out and tell you the truth: that she has no interest at all in going out with you. Even if Pamela had a big mess on her hands with this move, if she had one iota of real interest in you she would have been thinking to herself, “Boy, I can’t wait until Thursday night to get together with Anderson!”
Then she wrote you that heartfelt e-mail apologizing for her misdeeds. But sadly, that’s where the Womanese comes in. When she protested that she “never stood up a human being” in her entire life, what she really meant was “this week!”
Here’s what Pamela was supposed to have said to end this debacle: “Anderson, I’ll tell you what. Here’s my address. Here’s my cell, business and home phone numbers. I want you to come over to my apartment a week from Wednesday. You tell me what kind of dinner you like most and I’ll cook it for you because I want to prove to you that I’m not the kind of girl who breaks dates.” But she didn’t.
Now, on to your reasons for deleting her e-mail address from your computer forever.
On number 1, you’re dead on. “Everything is scattered” is not a specific enough excuse. I’m impressed with your reasoning here, Anderson.
You’re a little off-base on number 2, the electronic paper trail. I get so much e-mail that I have no choice but to get rid of it. Maybe that’s what Pamela did.
On number 3, you hit it right on the nose, baby. Bingo. Pamela should have come back with a solid plan to make up for dissing you not once, but twice. Right there you get an A. But here’s the thing. A woman of class and consideration would have kept the first date. You just found out a little later rather than sooner that you got all wound up over nothing.
On number 4, you’re really way off base. How could Pamela have high Interest Level in you? You didn’t pass the Physical Attraction Test, Anderson. She only saw your photo on Match.com. And we all know how pictures can lie.
Should you give Pamela a second chance? Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Boy, do you know how many guys she does this to?” There’s your answer. You figure it out.
Remember, guys: until you have a few dates under your belt, you’re not even in the game.
To send me your love questions or to find out more about “The System,” visit me at http://www.doclove.com or call (800) 404-2644. To hear my call-in talk show, go to http://www.worldtalkradio.com
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, “Why do you stay with one man versus another?”
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