Doc Love Dating Advice

WOULD YOU DUMP SALMA HAYEK IF SHE CALLED TO SAY “HI?”
              Women Don’t Lie - Men Don’t Listen
                     Success Coach - Doc Love

Hey Doc,

I have been a follower of your techniques for two and a half years now and “The System” has become a powerful part of my dating life.  I have heard you say that on many occasions guys look to you for coaching when it’s already too late.  They don’t recognize the red flags in their relationships, and by that time, the woman’s Interest Level has dropped below 50% and they are history.

I’m writing to get your opinion on my relationship with a woman by the name of Salma. She is a 23-year-old, good-looking, first-generation, American-born woman of Jordanian extraction. (I know that’s a mouthful, but I want you to have as many details as possible.) She recently graduated with an accounting degree and is working at a nearby corporation.

I met Salma at a volunteer workshop hosted at our college. The first two and a half months went smoothly.  I would call her, set up a date and we would not see or talk to each other until the date.  She was always energetic and bright and would constantly be touching and kissing me by the end of the date. Nine dates later, I gave her a rose in a gold box.

At seven months into this relationship, I’m continuing to keep my hands to myself and let Salma chase me.  She pays for the occasional date.  I have tried to steer clear of heavy subjects as much as I could during this time.  I’m now trying to dissect what Salma’s Attitude is made of.  Here are some of the things I’ve noticed:

1. Salma likes to talk about guys hitting on her and trying to pick her up.  I’ve remained cool when she does this and have switched the subject on occasion but have stopped short of asking her not to talk about it.

2. There is no intimacy between us.  Being of a Catholic and conservative background, she wishes to wait until she is married.  

3. She is of a different culture, which sometimes makes for a very different way of seeing things.

4. When challenged, she becomes stubborn and inflexible.

5. She lives with her parents, and there is an unwritten rule as to what time she must be home at night and what activities she can and cannot do.

6. She broke a date two weeks ago because she had to help her sister-in-law set up for a birthday party the next day.

7. When I schedule dates up to five days beforehand, she will call before we see each other to say hi.

Doc, do you detect any red flags in her behavior that I should be truly concerned about? I’m stuck on Salma, but I don’t want to overlook anything that’s truly dangerous.

Samuel - who doesn’t want to wake up when it’s too late

Hi Samuel,

What you said about Interest Level was a mouthful. If a woman’s Interest Level dips from 95% to 85%, the guy should immediately back off. But of course he doesn’t see it that way. He finally gets the hint that something’s wrong when her interest drops to somewhere between 55% to 65%, but by then he’s already in more trouble than the Titanic when it met that infamous iceberg. To you Psych majors, he always reads the signs too late. But through memorization of my principles, this can be prevented.

It’s good that Salma is gainfully employed. It means you have a self-reliant woman on your hands, Samuel, and not one of the worst species of female on earth -- the Gold Digger. And she’s supposed to be energetic and bright and constantly touching you when you’re together, so that’s okay, too. If she springs for the occasional date, it means she’s a Giver. She’s not supposed to take care of half of the dates, but an occasional date is a very good sign. So far you’re doing great, kid.

Now let’s take a look at your list. You’re doing the right thing by switching the subject when Salma brings up how guys hit on her. But how often does she do it? Is it a constant theme, or was it broached only once or twice? When she lays this stuff on you, you should counter by telling her about the models who’ve been doing photo shoots outside your apartment, and can’t resist coming in and asking to use the bathroom, then hanging around and having a glass of water with you. Then check out how she reacts. In other words, rather than ask a woman not to do something -- which all mankind should know is nothing but a waste of time – just bring up how other women are always coming on to you and you don’t do a thing to encourage it.

The problem of intimacy has a really simple solution, buddy. As long as both you and Salma are okay without it for the time being, that’s all that matters. The rule is that the later you have sex, the better.

You’re not giving me enough specifics regarding where your girlfriend’s exotic culture is a problem. But she’s ultra-conservative, and that’s good. With all the wild ones running around, you’re better off with a girl who’s not partying as hard as Tara Reid.

Just how often does Salma become stubborn and inflexible? If she does it once every two or three months, you can live with it. But if she pulls that act every second or third date, like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “Boy, you got a problem!” And here’s something else -- how are you challenging her? What is it you’re trying to change about her? Could it be that you’re prodding her into an attitude? Again, I need more information, and you need to examine what you’re doing.

It’s good that Salma’s folks restrict her activities and keep an eye on her. If you need uninhibited adventure, dude, go out with a topless dancer.

But point number 6 is a different kettle of fish. You know my feelings on broken dates. It’s not so much that Salma broke the date; it’s how you responded to it that’s the important thing.

What you should have done was not called her, and forced her to ask you out. Because when a girl breaks a date, she’s telling you she’s too comfortable with you. She’s saying she knows she owns you. If Salma knew in her heart that you were going to walk, she would have said to herself “To hell with my sister-in-law!” But she knew she could get away with brushing you off, right, Sammy? She knew that you’d be waiting for her no matter what, because you can’t resist the fact that she’s a Salma Hayek look-alike, and even if she told you to jump off a bridge, you’d probably do it. Just how much of a follower of “The System” are you, my man?

There’s no problem with Salma calling you just to say hi. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “It shows that you cross her mind at least once in a while.”

No, the red flag I’d be most concerned with is that Salma digs her sister-in-law more than she digs you. And she doesn’t give a darn about the consequences because you’re not a Challenge, she knows she’s got you where she wants you, and so she can break a date without thinking twice.  

So out of your seven items here, number 6 is the biggie. Did she break the date because she’s not organized? Did it just come up out of the blue? If you’d said, “If you go to that birthday party, then we’re not going out anymore,” what would have happened? Some “three-percenters” – true tough guys – would have done just that. They would have said to Salma, “If you break a date, babe, don’t ever call me again. We’re kaput, finito. No woman ever pulls that crap on me.” And they would stand by it. If you wanted to play hardball, you could have done that, too. And by the way, how come you weren’t invited to her sister-in-law’s party?

Remember, guys: you have to learn to read her actions quicker, and more importantly; you can’t rationalize what she does just because she’s hot.

To send me your love questions or to find out more about “The System,” visit me at http://www.doclove.com or call (800) 404-2644. To hear my call-in talk show, go to http://www.worldtalkradio.com

Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, “Why do you stay with one man versus another?”

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