Doc Love Dating Advice
WOULD IT HAVE HELPED KENNY CHESNEY IF HE FLIRTED WITH OTHER GIRLS?
Women Don’t Lie - Men Don’t Listen
Success Coach - Doc Love
I’m a regular reader of your column. I think you give great advice on all aspects of dating, much better than the other love doctors out there. Now I’ve become a regular listener of your radio show as well. Please keep up the good work. Lots of us guys need it.
But I have a question that I don’t think you’ve ever dealt with.
First, let me tell you my situation. I’ve been dating Sasha for about three months now. I was unbelievably attracted to her from the start (she’s 26 and a real hottie), and though I tried my best to stay a Challenge, I couldn’t help myself from slipping into the worshipful “Nice Guy” syndrome, after which, predictably, she began to lose some interest in me.
But here’s the good thing. It’s my assessment that Sasha’s Interest Level is still at least 51%, although I have sensed it fading lately. By this I mean that she still accepts dates once a week and we have a pretty good time when we’re out. Needless to say, I’d like her to be completely in love with me, but I don’t know if that’s going to happen.
Now since I’m a good-looking guy myself, I always catch women looking at me wherever I am, even when I’m out with Sasha. So here’s my question: is it okay to flirt with these other girls when I’m with Sasha? Since her Interest Level is declining anyway, will it have a positive effect on her? In other words, if other women find me attractive, doesn’t that increase my desirability to Sasha? Or will it only hurt my cause? I’m confused on how to handle this.
I recently heard a never-married movie star with a long track record of dating beauties say that women only like bad boys. I know flirting with other girls doesn’t make me Scott Peterson, but it shows I can’t be controlled.
So far I’ve kept my flirting to a minimum, smiling back when a girl smiles at me, but I can’t tell what effect if any it’s having on Sasha since I’ve stopped short of asking other women for their home phone numbers when I’m with her. But if I’m going to lose her anyway, I might as well have some fun in the process, right? Maybe I’ll even meet someone new.
I’d like you to weigh in with your thoughts on this. Thanks, Doc.
Andre - who’s trying to kill two birds with one stone
What you’re suffering through right now is the biggest romantic affliction in America, so you can take some comfort in the fact that you’re not alone. Once a guy’s Interest Level hits 90% or above, he just loses it. He’s a goner. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “Love is a drug.”
Here’s the problem when you’re all hung up on a knockout: your head’s not right and you’re not thinking straight. It’s like the woman is a cobra who got her fangs into a mouse – you – and you’re just paralyzed. And there you are saying to yourself, “I’m so in love with this girl! I’ve never been in love like this before! I can’t live without her!” And it’s only the fourth date!
It’s great that your Interest Level is soaring around the stratosphere, but guess what? At the end of the day you guys all give in and collapse – because the drug is too strong. And the drug is called BEAUTY.
Andre, your girl didn’t lose some interest in you. She lost a lot of interest in you. Jeez, you’re bragging about a 51% Interest Level? You’re hanging by a skimpy vine from the side of a mountain looking down 4,000 feet to the bottom of the ravine and you’re proud of it? I got news for you – you’ve already slid off the mountain to 40% Interest Level. It’s over and you don’t even know it. Now Sasha’s going to keep you around just to see how much pain she can inflict on you before she finds another poor dumb fish to sink her hooks into.
And you know why she keeps accepting dates? Because she’s just waiting for the next turkey to come along. She’s bored, but maybe she likes the flowers you bring over to her apartment. Like I told you guys before, when their Interest Level is 40% to 49% they’ll still go out with you.
And by the way, what do you mean when you say you two have a “pretty good time” on your dates? Can it be any weaker? How come you don’t have a great time? That’s what you’re supposed to be doing after only a couple of months, right? Are you putting on a show when you’re with Sasha? Are you taking her to great restaurants? Or are you moping because you can feel her slipping out of your grasp?
Hey, Andre, don’t get me wrong -- if I saw your Sasha, who’s no doubt a double of Keira Knightly, I’m sure I’d be completely in love with her too. But the point is this: you had your shot, and what did you do? You blew it because you weren’t prepared. The narcotic of love softened you right up. Now you’re sitting there as immobilized as a smack freak or an alcoholic after a binge. It’s just like the fate that befell Samson when he got the infamous haircut in the Bible. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts told me, “Dog, that’s what high Interest Level does to a man!”
Did you ever think that maybe these other women are looking at you because of Sasha? If she’s as hot as you say she is, it’s definitely a possibility. But no, it’s not okay to flirt with other babes when you’re with her. You’re going to do something else. Next time you’re in a bar together, you’re going to say, “Honey – see that girl over there in the red dress? She keeps staring at you. Do you know her or something?”
Now of course she’s been checking you out the whole time. But you’re going to try and get a conversation going between her and Sasha and see what happens. You’re trying to rustle the bushes here, shake things up. Flirting will have a positive effect on Sasha’s Interest Level, but in your fix you have to do a lot more.
If Sasha’s Interest Level is 51% like you say, the attention of other women will have a positive impact for the time being. But if her interest is just flickering at around 40% to 49%, these little back-and-forth skirmishes won’t amount to much of anything. When you’re in that south-of-the-50-yard-line range, she’s just wasting your time and playing with your head.
And if you’ve memorized my principles, you’ll know when it hits 49%. But even with the power of “The System” behind you, you’re still just a puny male going up against the most powerful creature on the face of the planet – the Beautiful Woman. In other words, like Sal “The Fish” Love says, “I hope you realize how much trouble you’re in, baby.”
But sure, Andre, keep taking Sasha to places where other women can stare at you. It’s worth the shot to see if you can raise your desirability. You’re asking yourself how to raise Interest Level, which is good. But the question you’re leaving out, the more important question that should have occurred to you earlier, was how did I make Sasha’s Interest Level take a powder in the first place? What did I do wrong? You should look at your errors and do the opposite. And then add Challenge to it. But it’s probably too late.
The statement that women only like bad boys is a half-truth. Because they also dig gentlemen like Cary Grant. What Cary Grant and the bad boys have in common is that they’re both Challenges. Where they differ is that the bad boy shows up for dates with a toothpick in his mouth and thinks it’s cute, while the gentleman knows it shows no class.
Pal, you’re only fooling yourself when you say that since you’re flirting with other girls Sasha knows she can’t control you. Her Interest Level did a swan dive because she knew she could control you.
You should never hustle or look at other women when you’re with Miss Right or any date, that’s the rule. You’re not being a Challenge when you shove it in her face, you’re being disrespectful. Andre, you’ve got the right idea -- that you have to go to war -- but you’ve got the wrong weapon.
Sure, maybe you’ll meet someone new when you’re flirting. And maybe there’ll be an earthquake and a brick will fall and hit you in the head, too. The problem is that unless you toughen up and get the monkey off your back, when Miss Beautiful Number 2 comes along you’re going to play the same old record. You’re going to make the same tired mistakes, and Number 2 is going to get rid of you, too. Except that now you’re four years older, you’ve got a network of little wrinkles around your eyes, and you’re not as cute.
So this is my thought on your situation: my friend, you’ve got a lot of work to do.
Remember, guys: most men give up all semblance of Self-Control in the presence of a Beautiful Woman.
To send me your love questions or to find out more about “The System,” visit me at http://www.doclove.com or call (800) 404-2644. To hear my call-in talk show, go to http://www.worldtalkradio.com/show.asp?sid=202.
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, “Why do you stay with one man versus another?”
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