Doc Love Dating Advice
DOES HEF EVER HAVE TO PROTECT HIS HEART?
Women Don’t Lie - Men Don’t Listen
Success Coach - Doc Love
Recently I had to make one of the hardest decisions of my life -- to break up with my girlfriend of nine months. I find myself second-guessing whether I did the right thing. I often feel sorry for the person I break up with. This leads me to try and make the relationship last longer than it should.
Here’s the story. I’m a traditional, confident, attractive (I’m a former model) med student in his mid-twenties. My parents have a model marriage, something I hope to emulate one day. I somehow got mixed up with a girl I thought was traditional too. Shannon was sweet, funny, delicate, and morally sound. She claimed to be very religious and went to church on a regular basis. I was amazed to find such a great-looking girl with a solid background. She chased me relentlessly and of course I was a Challenge and only responded to her pursuit on occasion. I made her laugh, and kept things light.
As she became more comfortable with me (around the four-month mark), she showed red flags that I made the mistake of ignoring or choosing to live with. For instance, I found out that she would go to wild parties and sometimes got intoxicated to the point where she almost passed out. Talk about classy -- a 120-pound girl taking shots like a sailor! I was shocked, but didn’t react. She cried, and said she made a mistake. She told me she wouldn’t do it again.
Then I found out that her ex-boyfriend still called her and professed his deep feelings for her. He did this even though she told him she felt nothing for him, and that she was deeply in love with me. I asked her why she still talked to him and she responded that they have common friends and that as a Christian she didn’t want to be “mean.”
It turned out that she’s the type of girl that loves attention. I know all women do, but Shannon seemed really in love with it. She would dress scandalously, brag about turning heads at social gatherings, or shocking her boss and customers at her job since she works in retail. I understand that this is part of life, but I didn’t like the fact that she seemed to enjoy it so much. To top it off, she claimed that when she has children, she’d never change a diaper or wake up if the baby’s crying at night. Some great catch, huh?
You’re probably asking why I stayed so long. Well, she promised she would change. However, with time her true colors always shone through. It was like I was dealing with a Jekyll and Hyde character. On one side of the coin was this very sweet church girl, and on the other a party girl who craved attention and getting her own way. Very confusing.
Anyhow, I got tired of being disappointed and realized the situation had no long-term potential. It got so bad that I didn’t trust her whenever she went out. I’m not possessive or jealous, but I don’t think it’s too much to ask for someone to control herself. When I did end it, she kept calling me until finally I had to change my number. I’m not going back to that hell-hole.
I guess what I’m asking, Doc, is what I should do to make sure this never happens to me again. I was raised to expect the best in people and that given the right circumstances, people can change. But it seems to me that when people change, the changes are usually superficial, and they go back to whom they really are. I’m a good guy, and I know I deserve better. I just want a nice, sweet girl.
Ben - who wants to protect himself in the future
Breaking up with a girl shouldn’t ever be a tough decision. It should be a piece of cake. Your problem is that you didn’t leave sooner. This goes for most guys out there.
But you’re sitting around feeling sorry for these castaways. Why, Ben? Do you think they sit around feeling an ounce of sympathy for you when they cut your heart out with a razor? Guy, as my cousin General Love always says, “Dating is war!” If you let a bad relationship drag on, you’re just fighting reality. And my principles are all about facing reality – the sooner the better.
Guess what, man? Shannon might have looked clean and wholesome at the start, but down deep, she’s nothing like your dear old mom. She went to church all right, but apparently not enough. It only seemed like she had a solid background, but unfortunately for you, appearances was where it ended.
But it’s great that you responded to Shannon’s pursuit of you at first. Some guys would have held back and rubbed Challenge in her face, but that’s not the rule. You should give in once in a while. Setting an inconsistent pattern means she’s never going to be bored. This is great – so far.
Because Shannon’s true colors came out at the four-month mark. In other words, you stayed an extra five months for nothing. You threw away five months of your life and money and you probably lost some of your sanity in the process over a ding-dong. Was she worth it?
So, Shannon almost passed out at parties. And those two guys with her were helping her to recover, right?
But I can just hear her tearful explanation afterwards: “Oh, Benny, I slipped and made a boo-boo! This is the only time it’s ever happened! I never make an ass of myself at parties, honest! Somebody mixed those drinks really strong! When I came to, those two guys were just helping me over to the couch to sleep it off!”
I got news for you, Ben – Shannon didn’t just start drinking like a sailor. She’s been pounding it down like Popeye for a long time. And you’re a medical student? Man, am I ever going to feel comfortable the next time I have to go to the hospital for a diagnosis!
So, Shannon told you she wouldn’t ever do it again….You know what’s really sad, Ben? Not that she’s a liar, because that goes with the territory. What’s sad is that you believed her. You bought into the BIG LIE. Why? Because you wanted to. You thought you had a conventional, conservative girl and you were going to stick to your guns come Hell or high water. Your male ego and pride led you astray. And, pal, you lost five precious months of your life because of those two words – EGO and PRIDE.
Shannon and her ex don’t have friends in common. She’s got low Self-Esteem and she’s addicted to the strokes. One man isn’t enough for her. She has to have at least two turkeys eating out of her hand.
But okay, she’s a Christian and she didn’t want to be mean. Whatever happened to when it’s over, it’s over? There’s no reason for Shannon and her ex to be communicating. The reality is that Shannon is being mean. She’s being mean by being disrespectful to you, the one she loves so much (theoretically), and by stringing her ex along and giving him false hope. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “She’s some catch, all right!”
When you describe how Shannon gets off on her various states of undress, one thing becomes very obvious to me – she’s a flasher. This girl’s in the wrong place -- she should be working one of the Vegas strip clubs. She sure as heck doesn’t belong in church! To you Psych majors, when you fall for a knockout, you have to expect her to get away with murder.
Know why Shannon will never change the baby’s nappy? Because she knows you’re going to do it! Why should she lift a manicured finger when she can get some flunkey to do the dirty work for her?
Shannon’s behavior isn’t confusing at all, Ben. The girl’s a whack-job. And like I tell you guys up front: no Mercenaries, no Feministas, and no whack-jobs. You’re opening yourself up to a lifetime of misery if you don’t heed my warning on this.
Dude, the reason you were disappointed in Shannon is because you were expecting too much. This babe didn’t have what you thought she had. You were okay with her for four months, but then her real self came out. And you should have said to yourself, if I want to be in love with a flasher and I want to get up at 2 a.m. to feed the baby, then I’d stay with this girl. But you have to think of the cost.
Still, you wasted five whole months, like I said before. Five months you can never have back. But it could have been worse if you’d have refused to open your eyes.
But hey, why didn’t you trust Shannon? All she does is get bombed and pass out after 15 shots of Jack Daniels! Gee, what’s so bad about that? After all, she’s got a bunch of guys rubbing her arms and forehead when she goes unconscious, but they’re just trying to bring her around – at least I think that’s what they’re doing!
Nevertheless, I want to award you the Congressional Medal of Honor for not caving in to Shannon’s pursuit at the bitter end and having the guts to get your phone number changed. You know how many guys wouldn’t have done that? You know how many desperadoes would have turned right around and walked straight back into Shannon’s arms?
To make sure this never happens to you again, buddy, memorize my principles, and then get out after four months! Sure, people can change, but with this girl you’re not just talking about the way she applies her lipstick. She’s got major problems that need attention, starting with her binge drinking.
But one essential thing we never mentioned is that this girl has to want to change. If she ever gets to teach a course on the Bible or give a speech on modesty and decorum, she has to be able to do it with a straight face. Otherwise, like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “Fuh-get about it, baby!”
Remember, guys: the prettier they are, the easier it is for them to hide their flaws.
To send me your love questions, LISTEN TO MY CALL-IN TALK SHOW, or to find out more about “The System,” visit me at http://www.doclove.com or call (800) 404-2644.
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, “Why do you stay with one man versus another?”
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