Doc Love Dating Advice
DOES GEORGE CLOONEY EVER TELL HIS DATES THAT HE SUCKED AT FOOTBALL?
Women Don’t Lie - Men Don’t Listen
Success Coach - Doc Love
I’ve been seeing Lianna for a few weeks now and I’m trying to figure out what’s going on. I know I like her, and I thought her Interest Level in me was high (mid-70s), but now I’m not so sure.
I used to work with Lianna, and she began contacting me via e-mail out of the blue. She asked lots of personal questions, so I took this as a buying signal and asked to meet her after work. She agreed. We met and had a few drinks. When the bill came she offered to pay, but I insisted. She gave me a playful bump with her hip. I had her laughing all night long and kept it light. Afterwards I asked for her home phone number but she gave me her cell number and asked for mine (ugh). She said she wanted to go out again and gave me a hug. I felt confused, like I should have tried to kiss her.
Our next date was an Anaheim Angels baseball game. Again we had a great time. About five minutes after I got home that night Lianna called. She said she just wanted to make sure I got home okay. Then she admitted she just used the call as an excuse to see when we could go out again. To me this was a sign of very high interest, but I played it cool and told her that I was busy for the next few days and that we would talk later.
On our third date, dinner at a nice restaurant, we were laughing and having a good time when Lianna began asking me some very personal questions. I tried to throw the questions back at her as much as I could. At one point she started telling me about some of her insecurities, and then said, “I’ve told you my insecurities, now what are yours?” I told her that when I was growing up I was insecure about my ability to play sports, but that I no longer felt that way.
She did the majority of the talking and I just asked questions that dug deeper into what she was saying, mostly about her insecurities and passions. At the end of the night I walked her up to her porch and gave her a kiss. It was a very good kiss, Doc. I said good night and went home. That’s the last time I talked to her.
I called twice a couple of days later and got her voicemail both times (I didn’t leave a message). I waited a few more days and called her again. Again I got her voicemail and didn’t leave a message. I called her last night and got her voicemail again. I decided that two weeks was enough to call and not get an answer, so I left a message. Was leaving a message a mistake? Did I somehow lower her Interest Level on the third date so that she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore, or am I missing something?
Aaron - who can’t figure out how he blew it
When you say you thought Lianna’s Interest Level was high, but now you’re not sure, what does it really mean? It means you jumped the gun, that’s what. Like most overeager, love-starved guys, you overrated the woman’s Interest Level. Mistake number one. And boys, it’s a big one, because it leads to all kinds of errors later on.
Let’s examine the specifics of what happened. Lianna contacted you via e-mail? Beautiful. According to Rabbi Love, “Incoming interest from a babe is the meaning of Heaven!” And it’s to your credit, Aaron that you went straight for the date without fooling around. You closed. Guys, you always have to remember to close. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “Man, it don’t mean a thing if you don’t seal the deal.” So good for you – at least up to this point.
And it was good that you insisted on paying for your first rendezvous. It shows that you’re all class, a regular Cary Grant in the making. And consider that playful hip-bump Lianna gave you a touch. Remember, though, despite all the good stuff that happened that first night, that it was just a little get-together, your short date, and your preliminary bout. Like any good fighter, you have to last nine more rounds (dates) and the performance has to be perfect. And of course that’s the tricky part.
Think of it this way: when they open the gate at the rodeo, there’s a guy sitting on top of the Brahma Bull, but most of them don’t make it to eight seconds.
You shouldn’t have given Lianna your cell phone number until you got her home phone number. When she told you she wanted to go out a second time, you should have said, “Are you sure? I think you’re a little too fast for me, baby. But I’ll tough it out and go with you anyway.” And by the way, fellas, you don’t kiss her right there in the bar. You wait and kiss her on her doorstep.
Guy, you shouldn’t have picked up the phone when Lianna called you after date number two. Another boner. Instead, you should have listened to the message she left on your machine. And played it over and over again and studied it to see exactly what it is you’re dealing with. You have to learn to not be so ready and willing.
Sure, Lianna’s ruse of using a call for finding out when you were going out again was a cute move, but you’re missing the point here. Her Interest Level might have been 95%, but again, you two have barely gotten through one date. You have to have that 95% Interest Level from her at the end of nine dates before you can say you’re in the ballgame at all. And as I said before, that’s what’s tough. Like my Uncle Jethro Love would say, “Don’t go countin’ yer chickens before they hatch, boy!”
Nevertheless, it was cool that you told Lianna you’d be busy for the next few days when she was champing at the bit. You know how many guys wouldn’t have done that? On the other hand, the rule is that any time a female’s interest is incoming, grab the date. Still, it’s not a major error that you turned her down.
But what’s bothersome is that Lianna didn’t ask you out specifically, as in “Can you go out Thursday at 8 o’clock?” So you should have pressed her. “What night?” You should have “closed her” to see how real her offer was. In other words, let’s pin this thing down right here and now and find out if it’s just a “phoney flirt” or the real deal.
When Lianna started bingbingbing-ing those personal questions at you, she was subjecting you to the “hard interview.” To you Psych majors, this is usually a tactic of women who are structured. She was thinking that since she loves you so much (though it’s only been three dates!), it’s time for you to pour it all out and if you don’t, she’s going to get rid of you because you’re not playing her game.
Aaron, you should have listened very, very closely to Lianna’s litany of insecurities, because this is the whack-job you’re going to be living with for the next 30 years! In your response to her question about your fears and anxieties, you should have told her: “Honey, I’ve got the biggest problem in the world. I go out with a girl a few times -- and I swear to you I wish I didn’t have this problem -- and they fall head over heels in love with me! I got two right now under restraining orders for stalking me after only three dates. I’m telling you, sweetie, this being popular is for the birds! Every man wants women to fall in love with them, but I don’t like it. And I don’t dig having my body used all the time, either.” And you should have done it with a straight face, and then given her your best Christopher Walken look.
When you copped to your athletic insecurities that was cool, too. You had something light and safe to say, it was no big deal, then you shifted the attention immediately back to her. Since you couldn’t come up with all the funnies you were supposed to have prepared for every single one of her questions, what you did was okay. I’m not saying it was the right thing, but at least you didn’t lose lots of face. And you pulled it out at the last minute by saying you no longer felt like a sports fairy. Of course she’s probably going to think, “If he doesn’t feel insecure, then why’s he talking about it,” but on the whole you acquitted yourself adequately.
And it was brilliant that you dug deep into what Lianna was saying. Most guys would have tried to switch the subject to football.
But leaving her a message after all those hang-up calls was a mistake, my friend. Think about what’s really going on here. This girl had your number all this time and was supposedly gone over you, right? But she got turned off, and you lost your composure. Like Brother Love says, “You thought you were standing on solid ground, my son, but you weren’t.”
How you blew it, Aaron, was that you didn’t have enough insecurities to talk about. If you depressed Lianna, she probably would have stayed with you. Then you could have been miserable together forever.
Remember, guys: if you go in fast, you can go out just as fast.
To send me your love questions, LISTEN TO MY CALL-IN TALK SHOW, or to find out more about “The System,” visit me at http://www.doclove.com or call (800) 404-2644.
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, “Why do you stay with one man versus another?”
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