Doc Love Dating Advice
HOW WOULD DEAN MARTIN HAVE HANDLED HER DADDY?
Women Don’t Lie - Men Don’t Listen
Success Coach - Doc Love
I’ve read several of your articles and have to say they make more sense than half the junk I see on the Internet about relationships. Thanks for the help you’ve given to millions of other confused and bewildered men.
That said, I have a situation I have no idea how to handle. I met Morgan about three years ago and we’ve been talking off and on. I discovered three things that I deem to be significant factors about her: 1) She’s considerably older than me (about 10 years; originally I thought she was only maybe three or four years older). 2) She has a kid. 3) Her last boyfriend beat her up very badly and she said she had trouble trusting people afterwards.
When we got to know each other a little, she said, “I’m really starting to trust you.” So I asked her out and she said, “Why don’t we try being friends for now and see how that works first?”
She got very busy with parenting and other things shortly thereafter and I forgot about her and pursued other women. For the next year or so I’d run into Morgan occasionally. During one of our encounters I asked for her number again since I’d lost it, and she gave it to me. I gave her a kiss on the cheek just to test her reaction. I saw her the next night at a dance club and she was all smiles when she saw me. However, before I could ask her to dance, I went to the bathroom and when I came out, she had left.
Recently I saw Morgan at another club (she was by herself) and I was dancing with some other girls. She came over, gave me a hug, and asked for a ride home since she had car trouble. I gave her a ride and we spent the evening together. I didn’t try to kiss her because I had a cold and didn’t want to seem like a jerk. When I was going home, she said “Thanks, that was the most fun I’ve had in a long time.”
I called later in the week and asked her if she wanted to attend a social function with me. She said she was under her dad’s supervision
(she and her kid are living with him and he’s got control issues), and it was his decision. She said she’d call back but she didn’t. Two weeks later (when I’d given up on her) she left a message on my machine asking me to call her.
Doc, we get along really well, but I’m not sure if Morgan likes me, or just wants to be friends. Any ideas what I should do?
Paul - who can’t figure her out
Thank you very much for the compliment, and you’re right about all the junk on the Internet. And I want to tell you something about those other love doctors. If you don’t see or hear the word CHALLENGE discussed, that so-called expert is only giving you two-thirds of what’s involved in dealing with women. Everybody knows about Confidence. Everybody knows you have to have a sparkling sense of humor and be clean-cut and shine your shoes to be a hit with the girls. But most guys don’t know how to have a balanced relationship. With the man being forced into the position of being the aggressor, Challenge balances the relationship out so you don’t go overboard.
Now, let’s examine what you’ve got here with Morgan. Why are you two talking “off and on?” Like my cousin Brother Love says, “In dating there shouldn’t be any in-betweens that leave either one of you in a state of limbo.” In other words, when a relationship flies, it flies. You ask her for the home phone number, you wait a week to call her, and you go out. There’s a real process involved. There’s no “off and on.” When there’s “off and on,” you’ve got a problem right off the bat. “Off and on” is a big no-no when it comes to dating. “Off and on” means you’ve got nothing going.
Next, let’s tackle your facts. Morgan’s age in itself doesn’t mean a thing. What matters is how old you are, pal. If you’re 11 or 12, you’ve got a problem -- unless of course she’s Mary Kay Letorneau. What I don’t like is the fact that Morgan’s 10 years older than you, because like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “When the bickering and arguments start, you don’t stand a chance in hell of winning.”
Since Morgan has a child, you have to be brutally honest with yourself and ask, “Can I love this kid as much as my own?” (Most guys can’t, so you have to give fact number two serious thought before getting involved.)
Fact number three, her boyfriend beat her up. Odds are the jerk just didn’t punch her out once and without a buildup. Usually abusive boyfriends and husbands swear at their women first, or they throw things, or they slap them around a little before graduating to the really ugly stuff. Morgan is what I call a woman, who, sorry to say, indirectly accepts being treated badly. And that is very, very sad. (Are you sure Morgan is clinically sane? Maybe instead of you she needs some professional treatment. Guys, you have to start with a woman whose head is screwed on straight to begin with.)
That said, being friends first with a female is okay as far as it goes, but you have to do what “The System” says if you want to win this gal. You can’t pay attention to what the woman says. Her true intentions will come out in her actions. Guys, you have to follow the Dating Dictionary.
What I find extremely curious is that during one of your “off” periods you “forgot” all about Morgan. That tells me your Interest Level was low, low, low. We never talk about the man’s Interest Level because generally it doesn’t count, but if your Interest Level is below 50%, you don’t really dig the girl. And you lost her number because you had moribund Interest Level.
Buddy, you didn’t go according to my principles on this girl. You have to ask yourself some hard questions about why you’ve been off and on with this babe in the first place. Maybe you’re not really all that into her, did you ever think of that? Maybe you two are just using each other because neither of you have anything better to do with yourselves.
Gee, you kissed Morgan on the cheek! Whoa! Slow down! Pretty bold of you, Paul. Like Sal “The Fish” Love says “That’s like kissing your grandmother!” We don’t conduct the grandmother test, dude. We administer the date test. To you Psych majors, that means on the mouth.
The fact that Morgan split after she bumped into you at the dance club is a strong indication that she likes you, obviously. You go to the bathroom for five minutes and she can’t wait to get the hell out of there? Gosh, this girl has really flipped over you! (Uh, right. And I’ve got this bridge over in Brooklyn that’s a steal….)
Guys, you never want to go out with a girl who has car trouble. Because when she’s got car trouble, that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Again, you Psych majors, there are other troubles lurking in the background, rest assured.
Paul, it’s decent of you that you didn’t try and kiss Morgan when you had the sniffles – you shouldn’t run around giving people diseases. Gee, that was darned thoughtful of you. Regarding the function you invited her to, you don’t ever ask a girl if she “wants” to do something -- you just ask her if she can make it. Forget talking about “want.”
Wow, it’s great that Morgan’s old man has control issues. She got rid of Psycho Boyfriend, now she’s living with Psycho Dad. Very nice. I’d say you two are on your way to a real healthy relationship! And it’s another good sign that she didn’t call you back when she said she would. Paul, you’ve just got it popping on all cylinders, don’t you? (And by the way, if her old man has such control issues, what is she doing slow dancing with every guy in sight at a nightclub?)
So, you and Morgan get along really well, huh? You call all this inconsistent behavior getting along really well? Heck, you’d have better luck with J-Lo.
Remember, guys: when the girl is a mess, move on to a new adventure.
To send me your love questions, listen to my call-in talk show, or to find out more about “The System,” visit me at http://www.doclove.com or call (800) 404-2644.
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, “Why do you stay with one man versus another?”
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