Doc Love Dating Advice
DO YOU THINK ALEC BALDWIN EVER HAS TROUBLE GETTING DATES?
WOMEN DON’T LIE - MEN DON’T LISTEN
SUCCESS COACH - DOC LOVE
I stumbled across your website when I was surfing the web on the lookout for dating advice. I’m not looking for any dating advice – I’m interested in tips for middle-aged guys back on the singles scene for the first time in 20 or 30 years. I’ve noticed that there are other love doctors out there who talk about what to do when you’re on a date with a woman, but none of them seem to address how to actually get dates, and that’s really what I’m interested in. You probably deal with younger guys most of the time, but I thought I’d try you anyway.
I’m fiftyish, have all my hair, am reasonably attractive and in okay shape. I was married for nearly 20 years and went through a divorce that wasn’t all that bitter, but frankly, Doc, I feel a bit bruised and very vulnerable out here in the world all by myself again after so much time in a relationship. I never cheated on my wife, but the fire went out of the marriage and we both decided to end it before it got nasty. I have one son, by the way, who is a teenager. He’s still living with his mother.
So here’s my current situation. I have a relatively isolated job, as a freelance writer of public relations materials for firms here in the suburbs of New York City, so I don’t really meet a whole lot of women. In fact, I don’t meet very many women at all. I have absolutely no clue where to go to meet them, either. I belong to the local YMCA where I ride the exercise bike and occasionally attend a Yoga class, but the women are mostly elderly and unattractive or show no interest in me whatsoever.
Which brings me to my next area of concern. I know it’s not realistic, but I’m drawn to women young enough to be my daughter and don’t have any interest in middle-aged women like myself, even if I could find them. Doc, let’s be honest -- who wants a 48-year-old divorcee with a saggy butt, emotional baggage, an ax to grind or a brood of obnoxious kids? I know I don’t. The problem is that the younger women, say age 35 or below, don’t even look in my direction, and when they do, they call me “Sir” or “Mister.” I’ve started joking that when girls call you “Sir” or “Mister,” you know you’re old – and in trouble. So you might say I don’t want the old ones and am afraid of the young ones. Worse, it probably wouldn’t work out with a young one anyway, right?
So, man, I don’t know what to do or where to go to get back into this thing. Help!
Vaughan - who hates to think that it’s already over
First off, whether a female is 18 or 80, the gig is still the same. If you’re a 55-year-old divorced doctor and you meet an elegant 50-year-old divorcee at the country club, you’re still going to have to say, “Caprice, what’s your home phone number?” By the same token, if you’re a 19-year-old and you’re three sheets to the wind at a college frat party, you’re still going to have to ask that sorority sister, “Hey, Caprice, what’s your home phone number?”
So the game is always the same, pal, and I cover it all. If you love women, I’m your coach.
Now, you can’t just be in “okay” shape to be competitive out there in the dating world. (“Okay” shape usually means that you really look like a cross between Alec Baldwin before a diet and the Pillsbury Doughboy.) “Okay” shape doesn’t cut it when you’re 50 and a member of AARP. You have to be in perfect shape when you’re as old as you are. Make sure you shave every day, use deodorant, shine your shoes, and have a premium membership to the health club (and you use it). You’ve got to look like you’ve stepped out of Esquire or GQ just to have a fighting chance.
By the way -- what do you mean you attend a yoga class “occasionally?” When you’re in any kind of exercise class, you have to go all the time – it’s called a routine. You don’t drop in and out of a class. Right there it shows me you have no discipline and no real interest in taking good care of your body.
You should feel vulnerable, dude. You lived with someone who beat on you like a drum for 20 years! But in your wife’s defense, you probably deserved it because you were a WIMP. And by the way, Vaughan, you didn’t have a “relationship” – you were just living with a cold body. P.S. You both didn’t decide to end it – SHE decided to end it, okay, big fella? (Do you faithfully visit your son and talk to him on the phone a couple of times a week? You better. Don’t forget – you may be a swinging bachelor again, but you’re still his dad.)
So, females show no interest in you, Vaughan? Welcome to the world of being over 50 -- and three-quarters of the way over the hill! Your interest in younger women clearly demonstrates why your wife loved you so darned much. Guy, you can’t even get a good-looking 50-year-old to go out, and you want her daughter? Don’t you think maybe there’s a little more to it? Okay, then, I’ll tell you what you do: go buy yourself a 145-foot-yacht and dock it in Monaco. Then you’ll get that 25-year-old with the killer body. And, like Sal “the Fish” Love would say, “Don’t forget the drugs!”
But Vaughan, I have to set you straight on something. There are tons of great 48-year-olds out there who look 38 and whose bodies are 28. When people get divorced, it means there are more women on the loose, and since there are more women than men in the world the odds are in your favor, especially if you’re living near New York (according to the latest man/woman ratio statistics, anyway). So guys, keep in mind that a fine woman is out there for you, in spite of the fact that the gravitational pull of the earth’s center has been giving her wrinkles for the last 15 years.
All the stuff you’re moaning about – obnoxious brats, sagging asses, axes to grind and the rest of it – are unfortunately part of the deal when you hit a certain age. You should have picked the right one when you were in your twenties, though it’s evident to me that you wouldn’t have known what to do with her.
But we’re not going to give up the ship because like I said before, we like women. But having said that, my friend, I can’t tell you how much work you have to do.
Want to know why the young chicks aren’t looking in your direction? Because you don’t look like a 50-year-old model who looks 35, that’s why. Maybe you’re one of those geezers who looks 64, did you ever think of that? How’s your posture? Are you still walking erect? What you should be saying to those young honeys who call you “sir” is, “Are you available for adoption?” (To you Psych majors, it only works in biker bars!)
The only thing you’ll have to worry about with the young numbers, Vaughan, is the fact that you’ll never have one. But if you did happen to convince one to go out with you, I’m sure that by the time her tummy was full of caviar and lobster and Dom Perignon it would work out alright, and she’d be telling you that she had a big day at work tomorrow. (Which, by the way, is why she’s yawning and complaining that she’s tired.)
So, buddy, you’re back in the twelfth grade – at square one. I can tell from a guy’s letters what he knows or doesn’t know. Most guys come to me with a little bit of something on the ball, but you don’t know anything.
Here’s the doctor’s prescription. First you’re going to study the Dating Dictionary for four straight weekends at the library wired on coffee and with the cell phone turned off. Then you’re going to join Toastmasters. When you’re not at your job or sleeping or sweating at the gym, you’re going to be at Toastmasters. You’re going to do this for six months. And the reason you’re going to do it for so long is because you’re so far in the hole.
You’re going to introduce yourself as a love doctor. When someone in the audience asks what you mean by that, you say that you study women. You have a great job, but studying the opposite sex is your hobby. And that you give guys advice; you don’t charge anything, and now you want to give speeches on it. You’re going to give talks on topics like “Closing the Deal” and “How to Handle the Woman’s Counteroffer.” As you talk about these things, you’re going to find yourself getting better and better at my techniques.
By then you’ll be speaking in the next town over from yours, and then the next town over from that. Half your audience will be women. One day you’re going to notice a nice-looking 49-year-old who just had plastic surgery on her fanny staring at you. And that’s how it’s all going to start.
Remember, guys: when you go out for a fight, you gotta go out packin’.
To send me your love questions or to find out more about “The System,” visit me at http://www.doclove.com or call (800) 404-2644.
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, “Why do you stay with one man versus another?”
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