Doc Love Dating Advice
WOULD JULIA ROBERTS CARE IF YOU LOOKED AT ANOTHER WOMAN?
Women Don’t Lie - Men Don’t Listen
Success Coach - Doc Love
I’ve been dating Ben for three years and he follows your “System.” I’ve been reading your material too in order to become a better woman for the both of us.
I haven’t found in your material anything related to the subject of Internet smut. I recently discovered Ben’s Internet browser to be full of photos, links, and videos of the porn variety. I was disturbed by this – especially the frequency (nightly) and volume, and considering that our romantic moments have dwindled, I consider this whole situation indicative of a double standard. I’m a rather attractive woman ready to crawl all over Ben at any time and he is more and more often “too tired” to be romantic or has to go to bed early to get up for work in the morning. Incidentally, Ben and I don’t live together.
I fessed up to Ben about finding this stuff and asked him to stop it. I see it as disrespectful and unnecessary and bordering on sick because some of the links are clearly teens. He got defensive, of course, stating that I was too rigid in my morals and that men are hardwired to be visual and that it is all harmless. He said he would stop, but I know that he hasn’t.
Could you please address this issue in your weekly advice column? I am not sure if this is a deal-breaker for me, but it is certainly causing my Interest Level in Ben to drop. The more I read about the subject of smut, the more I’m wondering if I have an addict on my hands. I don’t need a “project” to work on – I want a man. How does one shake this garbage out of a guy’s head?
Doc, Ben wouldn’t want me drooling over the Chippendales dancers – so why the double standard?
I know you don’t generally answer women’s letters, but I truly hope you answer mine. If you do, I sincerely thank you in advance.
Damara - who doesn’t think he should have it both ways
Hold on a second here, my sister. If your Ben were truly following my “System,” you wouldn’t be writing this letter in the first place. But I’m glad you’re reading me. So right off the bat we know that you’re one smart cookie. Ben’s a lucky guy. It sounds like he doesn’t realize it, or that he’s just plain dumb. And thanks for the plug.
Actually, I have addressed the issue you’re upset about. You’ll recall from reading my book and columns that I don’t talk about sex. Ever. And there’s a reason for it – too many parents trust me to give their kids sound dating advice, for one thing, and for another, I’m not going to be like all the other love doctors out there who dwell on the seamier side of love rather than truly trying to coach men.
Now let’s be rational here. There are a few different ways to view Ben’s preoccupation. Here’s one side of it. I’ve got a married cousin who sends me pictures of Beautiful Women by e-mail once or twice a month. When I stop over at his house, I like to pull his wife’s chains. “Your husband’s a voyeur,” I joke. “He keeps sending me photos of naked women.” Now my cousin’s spouse happens to be an easygoing sort (luckily for him) and we all have a laugh over it. In other words, for those two it’s not all that important in the greater scheme of things. That’s one extreme of it. At the other extreme are the folks who say that if you even glance at such material you’re going straight to Hell in a hand basket. Everybody else in America is on middle ground on this issue.
What I know for sure is this. The general rule for guys is, when you’re with your woman, you don’t look at other women. Secondly, if you have this junk on your computer, don’t keep it where she can have access to it. So Ben messed up. Like Reverend Love says, “This whole matter should have been kept private – between Ben and himself and his confessor.”
Damara, as far as having Ben for a husband is concerned, you have to do some real hard thinking on it. If he’s looking at this stuff on a nightly basis when you’re sitting there all decked out in your Victoria’s Secret outfit, with your long legs and pouty, bee-stung lips, you have to wonder what’s going through the guy’s mind. Like the Reality Factor says, “Why is he trading what’s there for what’s not?” (To you Psych majors, plus she’s alive!)
In a sense, you went against loyalty by looking into your boyfriend’s computer. On the other hand, he went against loyalty too because he was “with” other women, a bunch of other women, Beautiful Women, and a lot younger ones than you. Given the amount of time Ben spends with his fantasies, it’s not good for him. As the old Chinese proverb goes, “Too much Neverland bad for Michael Jackson, Grasshopper.” Ben should have your photos up on his computer. He should be buying you nice clothes, taking you out to the park or the zoo, snapping your picture there and then putting them up on his computer -- not all those other babes. If I were a female, that’s the kind of guy I would want.
I certainly understand your anger and concern over Ben’s double standard. But as my cousin Fast Eddie Love would say, “Guys like new stuff.” Apparently Ben likes lots of new stuff, and he likes it every day. (By the way, is he losing weight?) Now let’s reverse the scenario. If I had a girlfriend and she was sitting around all night long salivating over pictures of bodybuilders, I wouldn’t be feeling too great about it. Because let’s face it: why would I want to see her ogling muscle-bound Macho Boys when I’m six feet eight and weigh 28 pounds?
Ben may argue that what he’s up to is all harmless shenanigans, but not at the rate he indulges. I can tell you that for sure, and I’m not even a real doctor. As far as Ben being marriage material, I’d say it is a deal-breaker for you, Damara. I wouldn’t want my sister marrying this guy.
Still, it’s hard to say whether this cybersex predilection of Ben’s means he’s truly hooked. There are just as many people on the other side of the coin who say that looking at the stuff is not addictive. (Of course they’re lobbyists for the porn industry, so take it with a grain of salt.) But we’re not here to debate this; it’s not what I do as a dating coach. Like I said before, when a guy’s in love with a woman, he shouldn’t be lusting after other women.
Damara, I’ve got more bad news for you. You can’t shake the garbage out of your boyfriend’s head. He has to do it all by himself. He’s got to wake up and say to himself, “By spending countless hours looking at these naked bodies, I’m going backwards in my life. I should be going forward.”
One more thing. The reason I’m answering your letter is because I want to help men. That’s always my first and foremost aim.
Remember, guys: if you like to look at naked women, keep the computer at least 50 miles out of your true love’s reach.
To send me your love questions or to find out more about “The System,” visit me at http://www.doclove.com or call (800) 404-2644.
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, “Why do you stay with one man versus another?”
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