Doc Love Dating Advice


Hey Doc,

I don’t know if you’re aware of the new trend of men using professional matchmakers to find their mate, but I wanted your opinion on this growing phenomenon.

There was a big article on these (female) operators in a major magazine recently, and I began to wonder if maybe I should sign on and see what they could do for me. I actually fit the profile of the type of man they service – I’m Ivy League-educated, wealthy, and much too busy with my career to actually go out and hunt down dates. I’m afraid of using the Internet to find dates, because lots of those women are crazy, and amazingly enough, I haven’t had much success there anyway. Maybe women don’t care for enormously successful men.

So Doc, here’s what these matchmakers do, generally speaking. They charge exorbitant amounts of money, around 20 grand for the “initiation” fee, plus another grand for a yearly membership to get you rolling (and they expect a marriage “bonus” if it comes to that), with no guarantee of success, I might add.

But from what I’ve read, it seems that they do a good job for a guy. They work on their “intuition” to set you up on dates with the right woman and they insist on total control (in other words, you don’t have a say in who you date, you can’t even see pictures, and you have to accept the matchmaker’s choice). They run a background check on you, visit your home, and have an “image consultant” inspect your wardrobe and make you over if necessary. They strictly screen out the gold diggers and naggers from their pool of available women, who are all upscale types. In other words, they pretty much do everything for you.

They also have an interesting philosophy. They tell you that you should already be married or re-married (in the event you’re divorced), and they believe that people should stay within their “tribes” for a mate. It’s a very traditional approach and almost old-world. I suppose at this stage of my life I find that somewhat appealing.

To be honest with you, I haven’t had the best luck with women in my life, Doc, and at 40 years old I often wonder why I haven’t been able to find the right one. There is something very enticing about the idea of putting myself into a matchmaker’s hands after all the futility of trying to do it by myself.

What do you think? Should I go for it? Do you see any downside aside from the lightening of my bank account?

Cummings - who doesn’t want to be a desperado

Hi Cummings,

Yes, I do know about these people. As a lifelong practitioner in the areas of dating and love, I make it a point to stay up on everything that’s going on out there. In fact, one of my good friends in Los Angeles laid out $5,000 for the service, in which the matchmaker guaranteed him a certain amount of dates. But my buddy didn’t do too well. When the contract was up, he came away empty-handed. But let me emphasize that this was only the experience of one guy – I’m not out to rip the entire practice.

Now let’s talk about those wacky cyberspace women. Sure, lots of gals cruising the Internet are crazy. But guess where they come from? The planet Earth -- where you happen to be standing right now. So don’t put down the Internet, like Bill O’Reilly does. Being a weirdo is not an Internet problem – it’s just a problem that some women have. The point is that you have to find a good woman, period, and there are many great ones out there. Like my cousin Brother Love says, “You gotta separate the wheat from the chaff.”

I have another surprise for you. Women do care for enormously successful men. But you Masters of the Universe have to be able to back your success up with other things – like Confidence, Self-Control, and Challenge. Without those strength qualities, I don’t care how many oil wells you own in Texas or how many skyscrapers you’ve built in New York City -- she’s going to make you miserable. Remember this: when Johnny Carson died, his wife (number four, by the way) was hanging out in another city.  

Now guy, if a high-priced matchmaker can get you hitched to a good one, it’s worth every penny she takes from you — in fact, she’s underpaid. But remember my caveat – IF SHE PRODUCES. And remember this, too: success is not getting and marrying a girl. Anybody can do that; even Mini Me. Success is keeping her in high Interest-Level heaven. Otherwise, it doesn’t matter what the matchmaker comes up with.

Of course these matchmakers do a good job of getting you dates, Cummings! Because the guy – the guy like you -- doesn’t know his butt from his BlackBerry about women and he has to keep coming back for more. After the breakup or divorce, he’s crawling back to Ms. Marriage Broker to find him another girl. It’s called built-in repeat business. If you’re going to drop all your hard-earned dough on this thing, you better know what you’re doing going in. Check out the equipment our boys are carrying in Iraq today – they have to know how to use the gadgets before they actually use them, right? Because like General Love would say, “Dating is war!”

So, she’s going to fix you up with the “right woman.” But just who is the right woman in reality? She’s a Flexible Giver. That’s what you’re supposed to ask the matchmaker for, not some fantasy girl. But you’re not going to know enough to do this because you haven’t memorized the Dating Dictionary. Accepting the matchmaker’s choice for you is okay as far as it goes. It’s like a guarantee that she’ll get you to the 50-yard line. But she’s not necessarily looking for a good girl with a Flexible attitude. So, buyer, beware.

By the way, are you going to be privy to what your new blind date brings down per year? She’ll know what you make, right? Well, don’t you want to know her job record over the past five years? You better find out whether she’s been on “hellfare” or working at the local topless joint before you go down on your knees with your five-carat diamond. Blissful blindness works only up to a certain point. Again, let the buyer beware.

The makeover and image consultant is wise. Most guys don’t know how to dress and their apartments look like hell, so that’s a good idea. But the question is, will you stay made-over and spit-shined? If so, fantastic. But if you go back to being the same old Cummings, what’s the point?

If your matchmaker can truly weed out the gold diggers and naggers, you ought to give her a hundred grand rather than just 20K. But what she can’t do for you is guarantee one critical element: CHEMISTRY. Can a matchmaker truly guarantee you that certain spark that floats your boat? And, more importantly, the WOMAN’S? To you Psych majors, only if the woman’s Interest Level is 51% does it have the potential to rise. And remember too that it’s only her Interest Level that really counts.

Telling you that you should be married or re-married is a half-truth. If you’re not truly psychologically ready to deal with a woman, the matchmaker could tell you that you should bathe in canola oil every night and it would amount to the same thing. As for sticking with the tribe, it’s generally true that it’s better if you have lots of things in common from a social standpoint. The problem is that it doesn’t always work out anyway. Actors and entertainers have lots in common, don’t they? Check out their divorce rate. Every single day Catholics break up with Catholics they grew up around the corner from. So what’s the solution? You’re going to have to find a Flexible Giver to overcome the odds, like I said before. (And yes, an old world philosophy is appealing. So go for it, Cummings. You’ve got the money and you’re going nowhere in a hurry anyway at 40.)  

Pal, I can tell you haven’t had the best luck with women from your letter. You’re being redundant. You better get “The System” and read it a few times. You’ve got a lot of work to do, Cummings. Because you’ve already met the right one, but you didn’t even know it. What’s more, you couldn’t have kept her anyway. But don’t take it personally. When you put yourself in the matchmaker’s hands, tell her you want somebody ugly and short. I guarantee you’re going to be successful and you’ll get your money’s worth.

So what do I think you should do? Gee, buddy, I’m about ready to look for a 10-story building to jump off. Are you sure you’ve read at least one of my columns?

Money isn’t the issue here. The issue is this: are you going to do the right things to make her stay if you do get set up with someone incredible?

Remember, guys: if you want to go “dating” for a potential lifelong partner, you’d better do your homework first.

To send me your love questions or to find out more about “The System,” visit me at or call (800) 404-2644.

Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, “Why do you stay with one man versus another?”

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