Doc Love Dating Advice
DID WARREN BEATTY EVER HIT ON THE DIVORCEE ACROSS THE STREET?
Women Don’t Lie - Men Don’t Listen
Success Coach - Doc Love
I stumbled on your website when I was surfing around the net looking for dating advice. I’m in a state of indecision here. Maybe you can help me out.
I moved out of New York City to a Long Island suburb about a year ago. (I’m divorced and in my forties and got tired of the hectic life in Manhattan after many years. I date sporadically, but nothing steady.) Directly across the street lived a family that included two adolescent kids. We were friendly, but only in passing. The one person in the family who made an impression on me was the wife, whose name is Alexis. She’s strikingly attractive – slim, leggy, and athletic, basically everything I dig in a woman as far as looks go. In the warm weather she ran around the front yard in skimpy outfits, sometimes a bikini, and – and I’m ashamed to admit this – I pulled out my binoculars once or twice for a better look. But since she was married, I put her out of my mind.
One morning back in the late summer a moving van pulled up to Alexis’ house and the movers began taking out furniture and other items and stuffing them into the truck. It turned out that Alexis and her husband Bill were splitting up. Here was my chance.
I’ve not seen Alexis dating at all since her husband moved out. He comes around to pick up the kids, and as far as I can tell, their separation is amicable. When I asked about it once, she just said “I’m doing great, but I wish that Bill would move on. The divorce will be final in a matter of weeks.”
Anyway, now that she’s legally free, I want to ask Alexis out, but I’m not sure exactly how to do it. She’s always very friendly to me, but our conversations never go beyond the mundane. What would you suggest that I do? How do I get across that I’m interested in her as more than a neighbor?
But see, Doc, I’m a little concerned that if I say something like, “Hey, how about dinner and a movie,” she might say no and then there I am, the loser neighbor across the street, know what I mean? Just the same, it seems a complete shame for a gorgeous available woman to go to waste when I’m in the market.
Any suggestions how I might make my move?
Grant - who’s never been faced with something like this
Well, as my cousin Fast Eddie Love would say, “There’s a little bit of the voyeur in all of us!” But you’ve got to ask yourself something, pal – why is this babe running around three-quarters naked in her front yard where every guy on the block can have a gander at her? If she was just doing it in her backyard that would be one thing, because nobody would see her -- assuming that she has a fence, of course. But doing the “Baywatch shimmy” in full view of the entire neighborhood indicates that we might have an exhibitionist on our hands here. So is this habit of hers something, or is it nothing at all? Maybe Alexis belongs on Desperate Housewives.
When the moving van rolled up that day to haul hubby’s belongings off, you must have been doing cartwheels, my friend. So here was your shot, and it was all the better because it looked to you like there was no animosity between the principals involved. There wasn’t going to be any irate ex-spouse marching across the street and punching you in the nose for trying to move in on his territory.
But the fact is, you don’t really know that Alexis’ divorce is amicable. Just because Bill is friendly and easygoing when he reports for babysitting duty doesn’t mean squat. Behind closed doors he and Alexis might be going at it like a pair of light-heavyweights. To you Psych majors, appearances – especially when it comes to marriage and divorce – can be very deceiving.
So you don’t really have any idea what kind of divorce this is, Grant. And I got news for you. Most divorces aren’t amicable -- unless, of course, they involve Hollywood celebrities. You know what the stars always say: “We’ll always remain the best of friends, and we’re really committed to each other.” (Yeah, sure. That’s why they’re already dating other people and living three thousand miles apart! Ask Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt how that whole scene works.)
Guy, what are you doing blabbing with Alexis about her ex? I’ve told you guys again and again NOT TO TALK TO A WOMAN ABOUT OTHER MEN. And I’ve also told you not to yak about serious stuff. So why in the world are you discussing her marital situation? Sounds like you didn’t pay close attention to my columns, man. What you need to do is get my book and memorize it from cover to cover. (P.S. Keep your mouth shut about things that can only mean trouble.)
There is one simple reason why Alexis and her husband didn’t make it -- because she has low interest Level in the guy. That’s the story in a nutshell. You should have never gotten on to that topic. Your job is to be the clown. Your job is to keep it light and funny. You are not supposed to be Doctor Phil and you are not supposed to talk about heavy subjects when you’re trying to get something going. That’s how guys always screw up.
Here’s what I suggest that you do. Now pay close attention, because it’s really, really complicated. Go up to Alexis and say, “What’s your home phone number?”
Now dude, the thing you don’t want to get across to Alexis is that you’re interested in her as more than a neighbor. What you want to get across is that you might be interested in her as more than a neighbor. That’s what Challenge is. I want you to confuse her.
Guys, the number-one rule in relationships is that you have to figure out the woman’s Interest Level. So just smile and ask for the home phone number, and you’ll find out.
Grant, there’s nothing wrong with asking for a date. You’d just be closing too soon if you ran straight across the street and asked her out, that’s all. Because you’re going to wait a week to call – intrigue her, like I said. So don’t go pulling the trigger too soon.
And you’re not a loser. Far from it. You’re a winner for putting yourself forward in the first place. In the long run it’s not whether Alexis goes out with you. You had the guts to ask for the order, that’s what counts here. And if Alexis says no because, say, she doesn’t care for the way you look or your personality, well then, you two are just neighbors and that’s the end of it. And from then on you act like nothing whatsoever happened. You smile, and you’re always cordial, and that’s that. No harm done. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Remember, guys: after you’re through telling her your corny jokes, remember to ask for the home phone number.
To send me your love questions or to find out more about “The System,” visit me at http://www.doclove.com or call (800) 404-2644.
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, “Why do you stay with one man versus another?”
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