Doc Love Dating Advice

WHAT WOULD TOM DO IF NICOLE STARTED COMING AROUND AGAIN?
                  Women Don’t Lie - Men Don’t Listen
                          Success Coach - Doc Love

Hey Doc,

I knew and dated Shakir for about three years. A few months ago she was being totally disrespectful toward me by criticizing, showing up late for dates, and even talking about other guys she might like to get to know. It got to be too much, so I decided not to take a beating and I walked out on her. It was hard because I still had feelings for her, but sometimes a guy has to do what a guy has to do.

Now I’m confused about something. A few weeks later Shakir stopped by my job just to say “Hi” and see what was going on with me. This seemed kind of strange to me, since she’d never done it before. I haven’t even tried to talk to her since she did this, which is now a couple of months ago.

Recently, out of the blue, she e-mailed me, wondering how I’m doing and
asking me to write her back. As I said earlier, this seems weird to me since in my experience girls just don’t do this sort of thing. So I e-mailed her back about a week later. She wrote back again, saying she was glad I contacted her and how much she missed my stories, told me about her life some, and then asked for my input on what I think the name of her new band should be.

Again, Doc, this seems kind of unusual. I mean, we do have a LOT in common: the same TV shows, the same taste in music, and we both play guitar.  Doesn’t this seem like kind of high Interest Level on her part, and pretty much out of nowhere?  

Am I mistaken about all this?  Or did just letting Challenge build up work that well?

Another thing, Doc. Do you think I should make a move on Shakir and try and rekindle what we had? Ever since she initiated contact, I find myself drifting toward the past we had together.

Thanks for listening, Doc.

Davis - who wants to know if he has another shot

Hi Davis,

You’re asking me for advice, right? How can you expect me to give it to you when you’re so vague about the particulars? You say you’ve been with Shakir for about three years. What does “about” mean? Is “about” 26 months or 38 months? I need to know exactly what we’re dealing with here. Does a prosecutor ever go to trial without all the evidence? No. Remember that. Having all the pieces of the puzzle makes a big difference.

Now let me ask you this. When your little Brittney Spears look-alike started dissing you, why didn’t you leave sooner? As my Uncle Jethro Love would say, “What’s the matter with you, boy – you got rocks in your head?” Why did you take all her abuse for so long? When you finally woke up and hit the bricks, it wasn’t a matter of dignity on your part. You just got weary of the beating she was dishing out. Sure, you had feelings for her. But if she looked like Oprah, a blind man would have left! And yes, there does come a point when a guy has to do what a guy as to do – next time, though, do it way, way sooner!

Now let me explain something to you, Davis. Shakir didn’t just “stop by” to see what was going on with you. The reason she did it was because she wants you back -- so she can reject you. See, you beat her to the punch and got out first. It ticked her off. What you were supposed to do was stay and endure more of the beatings. That’s what guys are programmed to do, right? And remember, a guy’s got to do what a guy’s got to do!

Now, it’s good that you haven’t tried to talk to Shakir. It’s admirable that you’ve stayed away, though no doubt you were tempted a hundred times to go chasing after her like a chump.  This girl didn’t treat you with respect, and so you did the right thing – the only thing you could do. So what it means is that you did one thing right so far. Let’s hope you can make it two.

Pal, take your head out of the sand. Of course girls do this sort of thing – get in touch with guys -- all the time! Especially when you don’t grovel like a worm. When you don’t beg and plead with her to stay, get down and kiss her feet, and offer your house to live in and some cheap jewelry, then they have to come back because they’re wondering how you can live without their abuse. Unfortunately, this is just their bruised egos talking. And Challenge doesn’t work on ego. Challenge works only on Interest Level.  

So yes, Shakir’s appearance on the scene seems out of nowhere, but it’s not indicative of high Interest Level. You just rubbed the poor baby’s ego wrong. To you Psych majors, Challenge works on Interest Level of 51% or higher. Shakir’s Interest Level is somewhere between 1% and 49%.

The name of your ex’s new band should be “You Can’t Go Back.” Of course you and she have a lot of stuff in common. Except for one thing: your Interest Levels aren’t both high. So what it boils down to in reality is that you have nothing in common. All this other stuff – music, TV shows, etc. -- is superfluous. They don’t mean a thing.

Buddy, let me try and save you some anguish here. Don’t go making a move on Shakir. It’s a waste of time. You’ve got to realize that it’s definitely over with her. What you’re going to do instead is play a little head game with her. You’ll give her something back, throw out a little bait, just enough to lure her in. Then you’ll really realize what a psycho-case you were in love with. Plus you’ll learn a lot more about women in general.

So here’s what you do. Ask Shakir to give you a call. When she does, tell her that your date is cooking a gourmet dinner in the kitchen for you and that you really can’t talk now. Throw in that your little servant girl doesn’t mean anything to you at all -- that she, Shakir, is the only one who counts. Give her a little smooch over the wire, then hang up.

Every time Shakir calls, you’re going to have a date over doing something for you. Count how many times she calls you. After five or six, ask her to get together. When she accepts the date, you’re going to call her back and break it. You’re going to be the first man in 6,000 years to ever break a date. Then you’ll wait for her to phone you back again.

But Davis, don’t ever place yourself under the illusion that this Hillary Duff wannabe has high Interest Level in you. You two are just engaged in a battle of the egos. But with the head-trips you’re going to use you’ll be playing with her for once, and you’ll be in control of what’s going on. And, like I said before, you’ll be shocked what you learn about the opposite sex.

And as far as the past goes, you’re only remembering the good parts -- not the bad ones. Remember all the criticizing? The showing up late? The talk about other guys? Like Sal “The Fish” Love would put it, “Your relationship with Shakir should have been one date and fugget about it!”

Remember, guys: once you break up, you don’t get another shot.

To send me your love questions or to find out more about “The System,” visit me at http://www.doclove.com or call (800) 404-2644.

Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, “Why do you stay with one man versus another?”

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