Doc Love Dating Advice
WOULD LENNY KRAVITZ SNOOP ON HER E-MAILS?
Women Don’t Lie - Men Don’t Listen
Success Coach - Doc Love
I’ve read all your material and followed your techniques with much success these last couple of years. In all my flings and relationships until now, the woman had a higher Interest Level in me than I did in her, so I never had any problems. I was also the one who ended every relationship.
My current girlfriend of six months, Amber, 24, moved in with me three months ago. (I’m 31, by the way.) She’s the cousin of a good friend of mine, so when she needed a temporary place to stay, I offered my apartment. We were already romantically close, and since I know her family, there didn’t seem much harm in my offer. As a live-in girlfriend she is supportive, she cooks and cleans, and she follows me everywhere I go. She is always romantic when I want to be romantic, and she has very much made my apartment her home. She also talks about our future together. To remain a Challenge as best as I can, I always allow Amber lots of freedom and stay out of her way, which is hard because she is a solid “9” and gets a lot of attention from guys everywhere we go.
If the Bottom Line Factor states that “Only a woman’s actions truly reflect her feelings toward you,” then I have no worries. But there’s a problem.
Amber is super-friendly with everybody and can’t seem to say “no” to anyone. For instance, she is in regular communication with her ex-boyfriend of five years (she ended it about a year ago). She never talks to him or e-mails him while I am around, but I have tracking software on my home computer that registers all inbound and outbound communication. The guy loves her and wants her back, and although she doesn’t suggest they get back together, she is very affectionate with him and seems almost nostalgic. My guess is she still has feelings for him but knows that he is not “right” for her. By the way, they don’t see each other because he lives in another city.
What’s more, Amber also communicates with several other guys she’s met and dated over the years, some from as far back as college, and is flirty with all of them. Considering that she lives with me, I feel that this shows a deep lack of Integrity. What do you think, Doc? Is she using me while keeping her options open, or is this just how 24-year-old girls act nowadays? Or does Amber have a serious character flaw that would warrant me ending this relationship?
Martin - who is seriously confused by her facade and starting to feel used
First of all, let me point out that coming into this thing with Amber you were definitely on the right track. And this is what I try and teach you guys: as long as her Interest Level is higher than yours, you’re not going to have any problems. But guess what? Most of the time it isn’t higher. Most of the time it’s the other way around, and you poor schmucks are facing mind games, head trips and that ugliest of all emotions, rejection. (And, Martin, the fact that you ended every relationship before Amber was a very good sign. That, or you dated a lot of Cocker Spaniels and Labrador Retrievers!)
Now, let’s examine where you went off the track. The first time was letting Amber move in with you after only three months. Dude, where the heck’s the fire? It’s too soon to be fitting a noose around your neck. That’s the problem here – you definitely rushed it. You just don’t go out with someone for three months and move in with her or marry her. PERIOD. That’s the rule. The same goes for offering your apartment as a crash pad. BIG mistake. Way too heavy. It shows you’re available – too available. It shows you’re gaga over this babe, and the only thing that can do in the long run is erode Interest Level.
Remind me to keep you away from my daughters, Martin. And if her family has any class, they’re not going to like the fact that their little princess is living in sin. Some upstanding son-in-law you’re going to be! As Brother Love likes to say, “Remember, if you want to preserve it over the long haul, you have to be conservative.”
Nevertheless, sounds like you’re made in the shade, pal. You’ve got a real sweet deal going. Amber cooks, cleans and follows you around. Does she wag her tail, too? Well, so far everything is fabulous – so far.
But she’s communicating with her ex. Before she moved in and she told you about all the old boyfriends, it was an indication right then and there that something was off. It was a HUGE RED FLAG. Why would you want to get closer to a broad who still has her exes on her mind? Think about it. Amber told you she ended this thing a year ago? No, she didn’t. That’s just the Womanese talking. That’s the BIG LIE. The truth is, it’s still going on. She’s still playing with this sucker’s head!
So you caught on to Amber a little too late. But when it comes to your computer tracking equipment, I have to say you’re the greatest! Fantastic! Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love would say, “Now you’re cooking with gas!” You’re thinking like a real love detective on Love And Order! That’s what I want from you guys – the hard evidence. With hard evidence we can crack a case.
But you’ve got to learn to correctly interpret that evidence. You tell me Amber’s “nostalgic” with ex number one. You say she’s “very affectionate.” What do you mean by that? Does she tell him “I miss you?” You’ve got to define your terms more specifically. What exactly is she doing? Does she say she’s ready and willing to come back and cook and clean for him, too? Whatever -- she’s gabbing with the guy anyway. I don’t care if they’re talking about the price of tea in Mexico, they’re still talking. It doesn’t make any difference. To you Psych majors, there are no clean deals.
Thank God the ex lives in another city, Martin. But how about all the other guys she’s talking to in town that you don’t know about? What about the guys who don’t have computers and don’t believe in cybersex?
What I think is that you’ve got a moneymaking machine here in Amber. You ought to list this girl in the back pages of the Village Voice and the girly magazines and put her to work! But seriously, your girlfriend has a problem. It may be lack of Self-Esteem, it may be lack of Integrity, but since I don’t own a sheepskin in abnormal psychology, it’s not my place to say. But the point here is that you knew going into this thing that she was in contact with the exes. So what’d you go and do? You tried to knock them out of the saddle by coming on heavy – i.e., moving fast -- which is anti-Challenge.
From what your evidence tells us, you’re probably not dealing here so much with a matter of low Interest Level from Amber as you are something else. We can call it a character deficiency, or something like that.
Still and all, like Sal “The Fish” Love says, “I don’t care if she loves 50 guys – she’s not in their apartment. She’s in yours.” So it all depends on how you’re built. It depends on what you’re capable of putting up with. If it were me, I wouldn’t want her talking to other guys. It has nothing to do with jealousy. It has to do with RESPECT.
Remember, guys: when they have low Self-Esteem, one guy isn’t enough.
To send me your love questions or to find out more about “The System,” visit me at http://www.doclove.com or call (800) 404-2644.
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, “Why do you stay with one man versus another?”
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