Doc Love Dating Advice

WOULD MARKY MARK MIND IF SHE BROUGHT A FRIEND ALONG?
                           Women Don’t Lie - Men Don’t Listen
                                   Success Coach - Doc Love

Hey Doc,

Here is my saga, which I will call The Story of a Guy Who Just Doesn’t Get It.  I am your basic “nice guy” and can’t seem to recover from the syndrome, even though I did buy The Dating Dictionary and am in the process of memorizing it.

One night recently I dressed up and went to a dance club with a don’t-give-a-damn-about-meeting-anyone attitude. I ran out of cigarettes and asked a lady I was standing near if I could have one of hers.  She obliged and initiated a conversation with me.  

I found out that Michelle had been divorced from a mentally abusive husband and that she was out having fun for the first time in a long time.
We danced, and afterwards she commented that we danced great together and that she should give me her phone number so we could do it again sometime. Using what I had learned in your book, I gauged her Interest Level as very high, maybe 90%.

I called her the next day, talked for two hours and found out that she was busy that week getting her son ready to go back to college, but that the following week she was available for a date.  We agreed to have dinner.

I took her to a really nice place and we had a great time.  She was touching me, commenting on my cologne and the fact that it was wowing her.  We closed the place down and she invited herself for a date the next night.  When we got back to her place, her daughter was there so we went out on her deck and talked.  When she walked me to my car, I moved in to kiss her and she not only allowed it, but also kissed me again. By now I gauged her Interest Level at 90% plus.

Now, here is where I began to lose it. The next night she invited me to meet her at the same club where we initially met. I did (probably a screw-up), and she kind of put me through the jealousy test by bringing along a male friend. I believe I passed the test with flying colors by telling her that it was no problem that he was there, and when she said she would probably have to dance with him, I told her that it was her choice and I didn’t have a problem with it.  She did dance with the guy, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on the vibe that was happening between us or the two of them.

Well, Michelle and I have seen each other since, and when we’re together she mentions future dates we might have.  But suddenly she seems to be holding back when I go to kiss her. I have the feeling that I’m starting to lose my grip on the situation.

Doc, what did I do wrong here? Do you think this “friend” of hers is really a boyfriend? Why do you think she went cold on me?

Lebron - who’s still in the process of learning

Hi Lebron,

Well buddy, I can tell from your letter that you’ve made it all the way to page 3 of The Dating Dictionary. As my Uncle Jethro Love says, “You better get your butt back in the study hall. You got a long way to go, Cowboy!”

But you did start off on the right foot with Michelle. Your don’t-give-a-damn attitude was perfect. Every guy should have this fantastic attitude when it comes to life, and especially women. So you get an “A” for that one.

Now the next part is just as great. I always tell you guys that you have to ask for the home phone number – but in this case, Michelle offered it. For a change, the woman faced the possibility of rejection. For a change, the offer was incoming. That you didn’t have to beg her is a huge deal! Hallelujah!

But Lebron, you should have asked her why she wanted to give it to you. And you could have said no -- tested her a little bit. Checked whether you could have run her Interest Level up a couple more points. But no, like most lonely, horny guys you grabbed the bait and swallowed the hook. You should have told her no -- then of course told her you were kidding and taken the number.

Still, the good part is that her Interest Level was 90%. The bad part is that it was 90% for only about two hours! To you Psych majors, you have to get to two months to see whether you have anything solid!

Alas, here’s where it starts getting ugly. You called her the very next day? What did you do -- ask her to go to the jewelry store with you and buy the engagement ring? Guy – slow down! You talked for two hours on the phone? If you have to do that much yapping, it’s better when the two of you are sitting face to face in a small, cozy booth at a restaurant or your arms are wrapped around her while you show her how to use the pool cue.

When Michelle invited herself for a date the very next night, you should have told her you were busy. Hey, you guys are allowed to be busy too, you know. You don’t have to do everything she wants when she wants it. “I’d really like to, but I’m busy” -- that’s what you should have said. But no, Lebron, apparently you didn’t make it to “S” -- Self-Control -- in my book. You had to go rushing in like a baby who can’t control himself when he sees a piece of candy.  

When Michelle kissed you at your car, that was great, too – you closed. Most guys don’t have the guts to close. But since this girl likes you so much, you might have even thought about not kissing her as a possibility. Hold back a little. Make yourself more of a CHALLENGE rather than a desperate pushover who acts like he just got out of Riker’s Island. (That’s the greatest thing about my principles – I give you guys options. There isn’t just one way to do this stuff.) So now her Interest Level is 90% plus – for eight hours! (Still two months to go!)

Unfortunately, now it gets really ugly. When you showed up at the club at her invitation, it was practically telegraphing to this girl that you don’t have any kind of life. When she brought her guy “friend” along, what you should have done was this: as soon as you set eyes on him, you should have not even acknowledged Michelle, but instead turned around and started hustling every girl in the joint -- and I don’t care if she looked like Rosie O’Donnell. And you should have gotten as many phone numbers as you could – and made sure Michelle was watching. And then you should have gone home.

But instead you told her that it was no problem that her guy-pal was there. Gosh, why didn’t you just hand her another stick so she could beat you to a pulp at the same time? Ayn Rand calls this syndrome “sanction of the victim.” Like most men, you don’t even know you’re doing it. Dude! WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE! Where the heck are your agates? Or are you a girly-man?

And when you said you didn’t have a problem with her dancing with the fellow, did Michelle also ask you if you minded her going to the hotel with him? Would that have bothered you? Would it have bothered you if she asked you to be the best man at their wedding? Or could you still keep your smiley face on?

I hate to break this to you, Lebron, but the vibe you were picking up was strictly between Michelle and her friend.

So, she talks about lovely future dates. A little Womanese, huh? Kind of like when the actress Minnie Driver says that “just because you’re not with someone doesn’t mean you don’t love him.” BULL-FLOP! (By the way, would it be okay if Michelle brought her other boyfriend along the next time you went to the movies?)

You’re not losing your grip on the situation, guy. Actually Michelle’s Interest Level went from 91% to 49%. That’s what really happened.

So what you did wrong was not getting The Dating Dictionary earlier. And I think the guy she brought on your date is actually more than a boyfriend. She went cold on you because she found someone a whole lot better.

Remember, guys: you just can’t read it -- you’ve got to memorize it, and then internalize it.

To send me your love questions or to find out more about “The System,” visit me at http://www.doclove.com or call (800) 404-2644.

Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, “Why do you stay with one man versus another?”

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