Doc Love Dating Advice
WOULD SPIELBERG LET KATE CAPSHAW GO SAILING WITH HER EX?
Women Don’t Lie - Men Don’t Listen
Success Coach - Doc Love
Many thanks for the great work that went into “The System.” I have studied the book the last few months, and continue to review it and your columns on askmen.com. As a result, I’ve had increased Confidence and success. I am tall, good-looking, and well-educated. It’s usually easy for me to start a dating relationship, but I end up being a wimp.
Here’s why I’m writing. I’ve been dating a cool woman, Alicia, for a month now. She lives 100 miles away, but we’ve spent each of the last three weekends together. I’d say her Interest Level is between 70% and 90%. She calls me, pays for things, and is constantly complimenting me, telling me I’m great and so forth. She scores well on Flexibility and Giving (I’ve changed plans at the last minute a few times and she hasn’t complained, she’s lent me money, is a good tipper, etc.).
Integrity’s the potential problem. Several months before we started dating, Alicia was involved with a wandering sailor, who was apparently the first guy to satisfy her romantically. She made plans to go sailing with him in Australia in another month. She gained points for telling me about the guy, though I had to interpret some Womanese to get closer to the truth. I told her this past weekend that I want to be with someone who knows she wants to be with me, and that I have limited tolerance for this kind of thing, specifically because there was always another guy or two in the picture with my last girlfriend. She also said she is feeling confused, and not sure if she’s going to go through with her plans.
In a nutshell, I’m having a hard time deciding if I want to keep seeing Alicia for the next few weeks before she goes, or if I should just let her go now, telling her she can call me when she gets it straight that she wants to give a relationship with me an honest shot. I think that if I could keep practicing your techniques, a few weeks apart would be a good thing. On the other hand, I’m not sure I can keep my own Attitude, Confidence and Self-Control up with this other guy hanging in the background, in which case I should get out now. Alicia hasn’t badgered me with it, though after our talk this past weekend, I made it clear I didn’t want to hear any more about other men in her life. Today on the phone she ended up briefly talking about her arrangements when she leaves. I told her I didn’t want to talk about it any more, and the call, which had been light and bubbly, ended on a bumpy note.
I would greatly appreciate your thoughts on this one.
Scott - who wishes he’d laid down the law earlier
You said a mouthful in your first paragraph, pal. The wimp disease is the biggest problem in America today. Now you’re not going to hear this on the Oprah show, but let me enlighten you on something: women lose respect for guys, because as they date and he falls in love, the poor jerk goes along with everything she wants, trying to be a nice guy, until he turns out to be – instead of a man -- nothing but a needy, bend-over-backwards-to-please-her WIMP. This is why the American female falls out of love so often and why you guys need me to straighten you out.
That said, it’s a no-brainer that you shouldn’t be seeing this girl three weekends in a row. You’re giving her way too much time – too soon. You’re already on the way to burning yourself out here, guy. I realize that it’s hard to establish something with a hundred miles between you, but that’s exactly why I tell you guys not to date anybody over 30, 35 miles away. What distance does is kill the element of Challenge, because the only time you can see the girl is on weekends, or you have to make all those stupid phone calls to her during the week.
You say that Alicia’s Interest Level is somewhere between 70% to 90%? Well, which is it? There’s a big gap between 70 and 90, buddy. That’s simple arithmetic, if you made it out of the public school system in one piece. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “At 70% she’s touching your arm three or four times on a date, and at 90% she’s playing with your leg all night.” See the difference?
Sure, Alicia scores well on Flexibility and Giving – because you’ve only had three dates! Britney Spears is great for three dates too, Scott. What’s the average time you two spend together on a date – four hours? Eight hours? And you’re already giving away the store? You’ve canonized her the second coming of Mother Theresa? Like most men, Scott, let’s rush into rejection!
Integrity’s not the potential problem here, dude. YOU’RE the potential problem -- for coming on too heavy. We’ll find out about Alicia’s Integrity later, but first we have to make sure she loves you after 60 days. Then we’ll get into her personality, her hang-ups, and all the rest of the garbage that comes with her.
The sailor satisfied Alicia because he was wandering -- don’t you get it? And why does she gain points by telling you that she’s going to break your heart? That she’s going to fly halfway around the world to be with another man? Have you considered a career in masochism?
In the end, you brought this situation on yourself, Scott. You had a chance to knock Popeye out of the box, but you came on too heavy. You killed off any last vestige of mystery you might have been.
When Alicia told you that she might not go through with her plans for Australia, I ran straight to my bookie and laid down a cool thousand bucks that she would go through with them. Instead of telling her to get back in touch when she makes up her mind, you could just disappear, have you thought of that? Don’t answer your phone. No e-mails, no e-messaging, nothing -- until she’s at your door, pounding on it and crying to be let in. (This is after she gets back from her romantic trip, of course. Hopefully, she won’t go, but we know will, all right.)
Remember, guys: when you do everything right, you don’t have to lay down the law.
To send me your love questions or to find out more about “The System,” visit me at http://www.doclove.com or call (800) 404-2644.
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, “Why do you stay with one man versus another?”
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