Doc Love Dating Advice

                          Women Don’t Lie - Men Don’t Listen
                                  Success Coach - Doc Love

Hey Doc,

I’m an avid reader of your materials. Your fundamentals have allowed me to court a number of different girls that I would never have had a chance with before. Now I feel like a dating superman. I can’t believe how well women respond to this stuff! It’s amazing! Thank you!

About six months ago, I met Shelby, the girl of my dreams (well, she is on the inside, at least). For months I kept our relationship at the “friendship” level. Finally I decided to give a romantic relationship with Shelby a try. She has an Interest Level in me of at least 90%, a great Attitude, we have a mountain of things in common, and she is a total Giver (she could be the “Giver” poster girl!).

But here’s the problem. Her looks. There are many guys who would find Shelby attractive, but I’m not totally knocked out by her. She is not my dream girl on the outside. Sure, I could just move on and try and find a woman who does have everything I want, but the chances of finding a hot-looking one who is unstructured, has 90% Interest Level in me, shares my faith, all of my interests, and who is a Giver seem pretty darned slim.

In all those areas my Interest Level in Shelby is at least 95%. In the looks department, though, my Interest Level in her is only in the 60s. I love this girl dearly, but it’s difficult when we go out. It always seems some Beautiful Woman is catching my eye and then I feel very sad that I am with someone who does not turn my head in that way.

So the question of the hour is this. What is truly more important – looks, or your “big three” (Giver, Interest Level, unstructured)? Should I just forget about the fact that she is not my ideal of perfection and stay with her because of her other qualities, or should I move on and try to find someone who I find very physically attractive?

The answer may seem obvious to some, but I am lost! Help!

Wallace - who wishes she were Julia Roberts

Hi Wallace,

Here’s your problem in a nutshell. You want a B+ and you got a C+. That bothers you. So what do you do? Do you throw all those good qualities out the window because Shelby’s not perfect? Or do you challenge yourself and say, “Why do I really need somebody better looking?” Shelby’s attractive, right? She might not be an A, but she’s attractive enough when she gets slicked up. So what’s the problem?

Let me draw you a little illustration here, guy. Let’s pretend you’re on a sea cruise and the ship goes down and you and Shelby, the only survivors, swim to shore, which happens to be a desert island. You’d sure as heck want to be with her then, and within six months she’d be the most beautiful girl in the world because, of course, there aren’t any other girls around.

But when you go to the beach, or the pool, or you go downtown and see those dream babes coming out of the stores and offices, your mouth drops open and the drool drips out. The problem is that you know nothing about what’s inside that “10.” You don’t know whether she’s had more guys than J-Lo, Madonna, and Julia Roberts combined, how many abortions she’s had, how much cocaine she’s done in her life. You don’t know how insecure she is or whether her father was a jerk (and, sorry to say, she’s going to treat you the same way as he treated her).

There are a couple of things going on here, dude. One, the old story of the grass always being greener elsewhere. Two, the fantasies and demands of the male ego. Look in the mirror. Are you all grown up? Or are you a good-looking 36-year-old who looks 28 and who’s never grown up because he’s never had to carry on a conversation? You’d better appreciate what Shelby has on the inside, because if she has everything you say she has, she’s a definite keeper. And remember – you know nothing about all those other Scarlett Johanssons, and most of them are TROUBLE. Bet on it.

There is something that bothers me in your letter, though. You had to talk yourself into digging Shelby, pal. Some guys have this problem. I tell you guys in my Dating Dictionary to only fall in love with somebody who loves you, but you’re not loving this girl back and that’s why you didn’t go out with her for months. And that’s a good reason to get rid of her. “The System” says you go right after a girl once she’s gone over you. If that opportunity slips by, it’s over and everything’s changed. There’s a different karma involved once the moment has passed. That’s why you have to close when she falls in love with you. To you Psych majors: CLOSE, CLOSE, CLOSE.

I mentioned your problem to my cousin Fast Eddie Love, and he said that if you’re not satisfied with Shelby’s looks, “Just give her a nip and a tuck – if you’re rich!” And of course that’s another way to look at it. Because you’re absolutely right, Wallace: finding all Shelby’s sterling qualities in a woman who looks like Nicole Kidman would be like hitting the moon with the rock from a slingshot.

Let me tell you something, buddy: if you were dating that Beautiful Woman, you would get to know her true personality, and by then if she wasn’t a Giver and Flexible and unstructured, she wouldn’t look so pretty anymore. She’d turn downright ugly. The Victoria’s Secret model would go from an A to an F -- because you know the real her.

Remember, guys: if she doesn’t pass the Physical Attraction Test, don’t try to force yourself to like her.

To send me your love questions or to find out more about “The System,” visit me at or call (800) 404-2644.

Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, “Why do you stay with one man versus another?”

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