Doc Love Dating Advice
SHE KEEPS CHATTING ON THE NET WITH HER EX -WHAT DO I DO?
Women Don't Lie - Men Don't Listen
Success Coach - Doc Love
I am a big fan of your column, and I have been doing my best to learn and use “The System.” I would like to ask for your advice on this situation I am going through with my girlfriend. We have been dating for about six weeks or so, and we seem to be hitting it off real well. We’re pretty serious for a couple in their late twenties who’ve only been going out for that long.
My problem is that I am jealous of her e-mail relationship with her ex-fiance. After breaking up two years ago (she initiated the break up), they recently decided to reconnect and be friends. They e-mail each other regularly and chat on Instant Messenger. She has told me about this and assures me that they are just friends and that she has no romantic feelings for him. She says that they do not see each other or talk on the phone.
I told her that I was a little bothered by it and that I thought it was a little strange. I asked her, “Don’t you think that this could turn into more than just e-mailing after a while?” However, I didn't want to make too much of a big deal about it for fear of appearing too insecure and jealous and hence less of a Challenge. She told me that she knows it’s a little strange but that she hasn’t known me long enough to stop “chatting” with him because it bothers me. And I again said that it does bother me but that it is up to her to decide whether to stop e-mailing him or not.
What do you think Doc? Should I persist and insist that she stop the e-mail relationship, or should I trust her when she tells me that it is nothing to worry about? I really like this girl, and I don't want to appear to be too controlling and insecure. But I can't help thinking that there will be trouble down the line if she and her ex fiance continue to chat via e-mail. But then, again, if I appear too jealous and insist that she stop, she could simply tell me she stopped and continue e-mailing him. Know what I mean?
Please help me out. I really don't want to screw this up, and I could really use some expert advice.
Stan – who’s sick of all this chi-chat
You’re smart not to buy into what your girlfriend says when she tells you that her e-mail relationship with her ex is no big deal. This kind of situation is like a termite infestation, if you don’t nip it in the bud, you’re gonna have BIG trouble later on.
But before we get to outlining a strategy to deal with your problem, I want you to understand something very important that you’re just not getting. Something’s rotten in Denmark. Or as my Uncle Jethro Love would say, “There’s a dead cat in the closet, and all the air freshener in the world ain’t gonna make it go away.”
What am I referring to? Take an objective look, Stan. Your girlfriend is giving considerable time and attention to a guy that she REJECTED! Why would she do that? The answer is that she’s addicted to getting all the male attention she can. She doesn’t care that she’s stringing along this guy that she once dumped. She doesn’t care that her continual e mailing with this guy bothers YOU. She doesn’t care about ANYONE else’s feelings.
She wants what SHE wants, and SCREW everyone else. She’s a woman who just can’t tolerate the idea of possibly having to emotionally go it alone, so she keeps potential ‘backups’ in her orbit, feeding them just enough to stay hooked. Talk about a lack of integrity!
Stan, what would happen if you tied the knot with this gal and then later wanted to go bear hunting in the backwoods of Montana for fourteen days with your buddies? How comfortable would you be leaving her alone? What would a woman like this be doing during that time while she was left unsupervised? Sitting at home alone reading Nancy Drew stories? Visiting girlfriends to exchange recipes? Or, …going out to nightclubs, just to dance of course. Get my drift?
All right. But let’s see what we can do. Despite missing a crucial element here, you did great when you didn’t get uptight and throw a Macho Boy tantrum or give your girlfriend any ultimatums. You calmly and honestly told her that you were bothered by her behavior and what did she do? She dissed you. To you Psych majors, she did him wrong. Fine. Now we’re going to take a different tack. Or, as my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love would say, “When they don’t want to see your side of things, it’s time to play hard ball.”
I don’t want you to try to reason with her any further. No need to get into any more debates. Now your actions are going to speak louder than your words. You won’t appear controlling or insecure if you make your point non-verbally. Here’s the plan: I want you to stop taking your girlfriend out on the weekends. This will be a strategy of withdrawal. No more weekend dates with her, for now. That includes Friday, Saturday AND Sunday. You’re only going to see her on a Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday.
If your girlfriend has any brains at all, she’ll put two and two together and realize that her selfishness has caused you to withdraw. Then we’ll find out how high a priority you really are on her list. If she doesn’t change her behavior after this, then she’s not really as “serious” about your relationship as you thought.
Remember, guys, if you’re going to go the distance with her, there can’t be any boyfriends in the background.
To send me your love questions or to find out more about “The System,” visit me at http://www.doclove.com or call (800) 404-2644.
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, “Why do you stay with one man versus another?”
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